Manna for Marriage

Category: Build Your Marriage

  • Everyday Vows for Lifelong Marriages

    Everyday Vows for Lifelong Marriages

    Perhaps you wore a gorgeous gown or a dashing tux when you stood before God and spoke your vows. You chose someone—out of all the people on the face of the earth—to be “the one” for you. You made noble promises on a glorious day.

    And then you began the daily business of marriage. You packed the gown or returned the tux, and you filed away the vows with special-day memories.

    But you probably want the same thing that I want: day-by-day efforts that grow into a decade-by-decade success. If we want our daily decisions to create lifetime legacies, then this is what we must do: every day, we must choose our spouses again. Every day—maybe even every hour—we must choose again.

    Every day, we choose to be committed to our covenant partners. Every day, we choose to make them our top priorities. Every day, we choose our spouses—out of all the people on the face of the earth—to be “the one” for us.

    Every day, we can make five “I will not” commitments to our spouses:

    [X]  I will not use sarcasm.
    [X]  I will not consider divorce as an option.
    [X]  I will not tolerate self-pity (in myself).
    [X]  I will not reject you.
    [X]  I will not abandon you.

    Those are marriage-saving vows.

    And every day, we can make five “I always will” commitments to our spouses:

    [√]    I will always be for you, not against you.
    [√]    I will always value you.
    [√]    I will always look past your faults to see your needs.
    [√]    I will always serve you.
    [√]    I will always honor you.

    Those are life-giving vows.

    These ten daily commitments build immense strength into our marriages. They provide security, and they promote success.

    It is our everyday commitments that turn our altar vows into fleshed-out realities. They turn wedding-day hopes into lifetime marriages of promises kept.

  • The Double-Layered Foundation that Every Marriage Needs

    The Double-Layered Foundation that Every Marriage Needs

    What did you pack for your honeymoon? A bathing suit and flip-flops? A few warm sweaters?

    Whether you went to Mexico or to the Poconos, surely you remembered to take this with you: your list of expectations.

    No one goes into marriage without that!

    Some lists are longer than others, and some are more colorful; but each list is a variation on this theme:

    I expect my spouse to meet my needs.

    Once the wedding is over, we take that list of expectations and try to build a marriage on it. But, as it turns out, that list creates a lousy foundation for a marriage. The first big storm can tear it into heartbreaking strips.  Even ordinary breezes can eventually shred those expectations into disappointing little scraps. As a foundation, our list of expectations fails to offer any kind of strength or stability.

    But the Scriptures tell us about another, very different foundation, one that is solid and unshakeable. This foundation has both a primary and a secondary layer of strength.

    1. The primary layer is complete reliance upon Christ.

    It is Christ who is our Need-Meeter. He is not only the creator but also the sustainer of our lives. He is our provider and our protector.

    God may or may not choose to use our spouses to meet a need in our lives. It does not matter how God chooses to meet our needs. He will meet our needs. He is our Source.

    Regardless of the actions of others, we are completely secure in the care of God; we are completely unthreatened. Our well-being is not vulnerable to the actions of others because we are completely sheltered in the protection and provision of God.

    This is the mindset which gives us strength, frees us from fear, and releases us from the need to control. Our underlying, Rock-solid foundation is this: we rely upon Jesus as our Need-Meeter.

    In fact, here is an amazing thing:

    God says that He will be our Covenant Partner. (See Isaiah 54:5 and Hosea 2:16, 19, NLT.)

    God is willing to enter into a covenant with each of us personally in which He promises to be the One who provides for us, who protects us, and who meets our every need.

    • God will be unshakeable in His loyalty to us;
    • He will be steadfast in His faithfulness to us;
    • He will be fully trustworthy in His commitment to us; and
    • He will be unfailing in His love toward us.

    This means that we don’t have to panic when a spouse fails us. We do not need to retaliate or manipulate. When a spouse disappoints us, we don’t have to feel desperate.  If a spouse misunderstands or dismisses our needs, we don’t have to feel vulnerable. There is no need to run, withdraw, or scheme.

    God will not fail us. He very well may meet our needs through our spouses, but He is not limited to that. God can meet our needs in any way He desires as we remain yielded to Him. The LORD is our Shepherd; we have everything we need!

    2. The second layer of this foundation is a commitment to serve our spouses.

    We usually think that our marriages are where we go to get our needs met; we think that marriage is where we are nurtured and renewed. Perhaps we believe that our spouses should be our soulmates—able to understand our hearts, able to comfort our hurts, and able to fill up all the holes in our souls.

    Sometimes there is even a Christian version of this:

    My spouse should minister to me so that I can go out and minister to other people. If my spouse will be good to me, then I can go out and do a lot of good for the world.

    But here is the truth: our marriages are our places of ministry. In fact, our marriages are our priority places of ministry.

    When someone is considering marriage, these are not the questions to be asking: “Is this person my soulmate? Will this person meet my needs? Does this person make me happy?”

    A better question to ask is this:

    Is God calling me to serve this person as his or her spouse?”

    This calling to our spouses will become a solid foundation on all those days when they do not feel like soulmates or do not meet our needs or do not make us happy.  It does not matter. We are there to serve, and that commitment does not change.

    We have been assigned by God to minister to our spouses. Their reactions and their behavior do not change our assignment at all. Their actions may alter the way we best minister to them, but the goal of ministry is a constant.

    This second layer of foundation can be poured only after the first one has been built into our lives. Once we know that God is meeting our needs, then we are free to serve our spouses. Without this foundational security, people can give to someone else, but they must then receive back. Most of our natural giving is actually only bartering.

    But when we know that our needs have already been provided for, then we can truly serve another person. Even if we have greater neediness in our own lives than our spouses do, we can still commit to a marriage of ministry because we are confident that Christ takes care of all of our needs.

    Without the first layer of foundation, the second one is merely good intentions without the strength to fulfill them. It is because God meets our needs that we are able to serve others.

    We can trade in that list of expectations for a double-layered foundation able to withstand any challenge. On that foundation, we are able to build marriages of strength, beauty, and success.

  • 10 Simple-but-Powerful Ways to Build Your Marriage

    10 Simple-but-Powerful Ways to Build Your Marriage

    These are not the foundational principles of marriage.

    These tips are one-sentence nuggets of practical advice. They are easy to understand, sometimes difficult to implement, but absolutely transformative.

    1. No sarcasm.

    “Yeah, right!”

    No, really.

    Sarcasm is a nasty attitude dressed up in decent words. After we take the first step of sarcasm, it is only another step to fully exposed nasty attitudes, revealed now through ugly words. But if we are vigilant in never taking the first step of sarcasm, we will prevent a multitude of hurt feelings and painful regrets.

    Both my husband and I entered marriage with the sharply honed tongues of firstborns, quick on the verbal draw. Thankfully, we adopted the “no sarcasm” rule as newlyweds. Since then, every one of our 27 years of marriage has been blessed by the effective muzzle that this policy has kept on our tongues.

    Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless – that’s your job, to bless. You’ll be a blessing and also get a blessing.” (1 Peter 3:8-9, MSG)

    2. Use your best manners.

    Are you more polite with your boss, with your pastor, or even with strangers than you are with your spouse?

    Raise the level of courtesy in your marriage, and you will raise the level of friendship and enjoyment.

    People sometimes get the twisted notion that love means spewing your unfiltered thoughts and unguarded words. Marriage is not a relationship license for sloppiness. Marriage is a relationship responsibility for attentiveness. You can “let down your hair” without “letting it all hang out.”

    Relax? Yes. Be genuine? Of course. Be rude? Never!

    At the core of good manners is respect. When you saturate your marriage with respectful behavior, you suffocate many irritations and hurts.

    If you will use your “fine china” manners with your spouse, you will then enjoy the gourmet delights of honor and esteem.

    Love is not “rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5, ESV).

    3. Become fluent in the love language of your spouse.

    Your spouse has one particular “language” in which he or she best communicates love. The five languages are acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and physical touch.

    If your husband’s language is acts of service, you can give him a hundred handwritten cards with profound declarations of love, but he will not feel loved until you help him in the yard or run an errand for him. If your wife’s language is quality time, you can wash her car and take out the trash every week, but she will not feel loved until you sit across from her, linger over a cup of coffee, and look into her eyes.

    Chances are good that your spouse’s primary language is not your language. It is important not only to speak your spouse’s love language, but also to listen in that language. Translate for yourself so that you can receive your spouse’s expressions of love to you.

    It takes just one of you becoming bilingual to communicate love effectively–but it does take one.

    Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages is one of the most helpful books on marriage that you can read. If you aren’t familiar with the love languages, learning about them will benefit your marriage dramatically.

    4. Do not assume your spouse’s motivation.

    We may think that we know exactly why someone did what he or she did, but God warns us not to go there! Only God knows the heart.

    When you think he left the toilet seat up (again!) just to annoy you, or when you think she is late (again!) just to spite you, reject that condemning thought, and choose to believe the best. If you need to deal with a behavior, then do that, but don’t drag motivation into it. Your interactions will be more pleasant and more productive.

    Assuming wrong motives quickly becomes a bad and dangerous habit, costing you the energy and misery of inner stewing.  However, if you will develop the habit of assuming your spouse’s best intentions, you will be incredibly blessed: you will think more clearly, and you will enjoy your spouse more.

    Give it a try for thirty days. You won’t go back.

    5. Fast and pray on a regular basis for your marriage.

    Many years ago, I heard Shirley Dobson say that she prayed and fasted for her marriage. Her comments resonated with me because I thought that if our spiritual enemy would like to destroy any one marriage, it might be the marriage of Dr. James and Shirley Dobson, well-known for their efforts to support Biblical marriage. I suspected that Shirley’s behind-the-scenes prayer and fasting was a critical strength in the Dobson marriage, so I determined to bring that same practice into my own marriage. (The Dobsons have been married now for almost 55 years, and I am not aware of even a hint of scandal in their marriage.)

    The idea is not to twist God’s arm or to try to impress Him.  The goal is to line up your heart with God’s heart. Through that unity, immense power is unleashed.

    Fasting sharpens our focus on prayer. Not everyone is able to fast from food, but all of us can eliminate something from our diet or from our routines, inviting God to grab our spiritual attention in a more intense way.

    How do you fast? Here is the focus that helps me: I say to myself and to God that I need Him more than I need food. Over and over, I say that my marriage needs God more than I need food.

    As I acknowledge my great need and desire for God, I create a spiritual openness which God then fills with Himself—like a hunger being filled with food. Awesomely, He responds with His guidance, His power, and His presence.

    6. Avoid correcting your spouse.

    Do not correct your spouse in public, unless it is truly important. Does it really matter to others whether your vacation was last September or last October? People will probably not remember the specifics of your spouse’s story, but they will remember the fact that you continually corrected or even embarrassed your spouse.

    Even in private, be slow to correct unless you know that your spouse would appreciate it. Many times, the details are not important, but your relationship always is.

    My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be … slow to speak …” (James 1:19, NIV).

    7. Pray together as a couple.

    If you knew that there was one thing that lowers the divorce rate to 1 in 5, would you be interested? How about 1 in 10? What about 1 in 100? Would you believe 1 in 1,000?

    Dr. Greg Smalley references a 1997 Gallup poll showing that the divorce rate for couples who pray together plummets to less than 1 in 1,000. Wow! I don’t know about you, but praying with my husband sounds like a practice that I want to build into my marriage! (1)

    It can be intimidating to pray with your spouse. If that is your situation, start with small steps. For example, simply hold hands with your partner, and pray silently for a minute. Your prayers together can grow gradually from there. Stick with it, and you will be amazed at the rich benefits you will gain as you pray with your spouse each day.

    8. Speak the “gender language” of your spouse.

    In Ephesians 5:33, God has these instructions for us: Each husband “must love his wife as he loves himself, and [each] wife must respect her husband” (NIV).

    If you are a man, go overboard in being affectionate with your wife. Keep this posted in your brain: “Give love–unconditional love.”

    And if you are a woman, go all-out in expressing respect to your husband. Keep this posted in your brain, “Give respect–unconditional respect.”

    A fantastic book on this topic is Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs.

    9. Know the password to your spouse’s heart.

    The secret code to a woman’s heart is “security.” If a man can continually express to his wife that she is unshakeable as “number one” in his heart, he will be meeting one of her most critical needs.

    The secret code to a man’s heart is “success.” If a woman can continually express to her husband that she sees greatness in him, she will be meeting one of his most critical needs.

    These principles are developed by Bill and Pam Farrel in their book The Marriage Code: Discovering Your Own Secret Language of Love.

    10. Make and accept bids.

    Dr. John Gottman is known around the world for his forty years of extensive research on marriage and relationships. Twenty-five years ago, he began watching and recording the daily interactions and conversations of hundreds of couples.

    He expected to see successful couples involved in countless small examples of self-disclosure and personal sharing.” What he discovered, though, was not what he expected.[ii]

    Successful couples spent most of their time talking about ordinary things that seemed to make no difference to anyone, such as ‘breakfast cereals, mortgage rates or the baseball game.’ They rarely talked about their deep, inner feelings.”[iii]

    Here is what was important: successful couples made “bids” and responded to them.

    “Bids” are any type of invitation to connect, such as a comment or a touch or even just a look. After one person makes a bid, the spouse then accepts the bid by some type of positive response. Again, it can be a simple comment, gesture, or even facial expression.

    Successful couples make countless bids back and forth; each accepting the other’s bid. Their bids often look remarkably inconsequential. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that the bid is made and accepted.”[iv]

    For example, perhaps your spouse remarks one morning that there is a beautiful red bird sitting on the back fence. If you take the time to look at the bird yourself, you are accepting the bid, and building your marriage. However, if you ignore the comment about the bird, or respond harshly, you are refusing the bid and damaging the marriage.

    Day after day, as a couple creates many of these bids, offering and accepting, they are knitting together a very strong relationship. Each interaction may be small, but they are powerful when woven together. Likewise, a series of refused bids, however small, becomes a very destructive force in the marriage.

    Responding to bids is so significant in a relationship that Dr. Gottman learned that he could predict with high accuracy the success or failure of a relationship by this factor alone.

    Just as a bird builds its nest, bit by bit, so you can build your marriage, bid by bid.

    (1) http://www.smalleymarriage.com/resources/qa.php?catID=28&resID=14
    [ii] http://www.news-sentinel.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20140604/LIVING/306049975/1008
    [iii] Ibid.
    [iv] Ibid.

  • The Love Chapter (Adapted from 1 Corinthians 13)

    The Love Chapter (Adapted from 1 Corinthians 13)

    1 Corinthians 13*

    If I speak to my spouse using tactful “I feel” messages and skillful conflict-resolution strategies, but I do not love, I am like a clanging cymbal or a car alarm that won’t shut off.

    And even if I have an advanced degree in marriage counseling and understand the mysteries of why people do what they do and have all knowledge of psychology, and even though I read a mountain of books on relationships, if I do not love, I am nothing.

    And though I bestow all my good efforts to fulfill my duties, and though I burn up every drop of energy in being a great spouse, if I do not love, I gain nothing.

    hearts of love

    Love is patient even when a spouse does not change. Love is kind even when a spouse is thoughtless. Love does not envy someone else’s marriage. Love is not impressed with its own marriage skills.

    Love does not save its best manners for company but instead uses its “fine china” manners with a spouse, treating him or her with honor every day. Love does not insist on getting its own way but works to see things from another’s perspective. Love is not irritable or exasperated. (You cannot get its goat!)

    Love keeps no record of wrongs because love does not take offense. Love does not see a spouse’s failures or sins as personal affronts. Love knows that a spouse sins against God and against God alone (Psalm 51:4). Love forgives and refuses victim mentality (Proverbs 12:16, Ephesians 4:32).

    Love refuses to think resentful thoughts about a husband or wife; instead, love insists on seeing what is good and giving thanks. Love does not delight in any threat to the relationship, but rejoices in what heals and strengthens the marriage.

    couple in love

    Love always protects a spouse (his or her ultimate good), always believes that a spouse is priceless and made in the image of God, always trusts the promises of God, and always is confident that God’s grace is deeper than any need. Love never shuts its heart, never forsakes its covenant commitment, and never rejects a spouse.

    couple in love

    Love never fails. But prophecies that “you should move on with your life” will fail; the tongues that call your spouse “a jerk” will cease; and the knowledge that “you deserve better than this” will vanish away.

    When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became married, I had to put away childish things, such as name-calling and pouting and choosing what feels easy.

    For now we see through a hazy glass, and there is much that we do not understand about our spouses, about ourselves, or about God’s ways; but then, face to face with God, we will know fully what glorious things He has been doing through our marriages, just as He knows fully how to love us well now.

    Scrabble letters spell L-O-V-E

    And now faith, hope, and love remain; but the greatest of these is love.

    *adapted from various translations of 1 Corinthians 13, including the KJV, AMP, AMPC, NLT, and NIV

  • The 10 Commandments for Marriage

    The 10 Commandments for Marriage

    When God designed marriage, He created a physical relationship which would illustrate God’s spiritual relationship with His people. The covenant of marriage parallels the covenant of union with God.

    When God made a covenant with His people at Mount Sinai, He clarified the guidelines which would best nurture a healthy relationship. The Ten Commandments were given as principles which would guard the covenant.

    Just as there are principles which protect our relationship with God, our Covenant Partner, so there are principles which protect our relationship with our earthly covenant partner. The guidelines are very similar since the two covenants are parallel relationships.

    May I suggest, then, the Ten Commandments for Marriage?

    The Ten Commandments for Marriage

    1. Thou shalt have no other lovers in your life.
    2. Thou shalt have no affections or priorities which displace thy spouse.
    3. Thou shalt not speak of thy spouse in a dishonoring way.
    4.  Remember to schedule a date with thy spouse. Guard it, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work; but on the seventh day, thou shalt relax and recharge with thy spouse.
    5. Honor the father and the mother of thy spouse.
    6. Thou shalt not wound with anger, cut with cruel words, or kill hope.
    7. Thou shalt not commit adultery, in thought or in deed.
    8. Thou shalt not rob one another of attention, esteem, affection, or kindness.
    9. Thou shalt not lie or deceive.
    10. Thou shalt not compete or resent. For you “are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Mark 10:8-9, NIV)

    (Modeled after Exodus 20: 1-17, KJV)

  • How to Change Your Marriage … Right Now

    How to Change Your Marriage … Right Now

    How do you see your marriage–as a power struggle? a fight for your rights? a duty? a trap? Let me suggest a radically different perspective. What if you saw your participation in your marriage as an act of worship? If you will see your “wife-ing” or your “husband-ing” as an act of worship, your marriage will become a whole new thing to you.

    Romans 12 tells us to present our bodies to God as acts of worship; we can do this with our marriages, too! We can offer to God our involvement in our marriages as acts of worship. With each action and each thought toward our spouses, we can say to God, “I present this as an offering to You.”

    Worship involves choosing and valuing. Husbands can worship God by saying to Him, “I will love this woman by sacrificing myself for her because I choose You as my God and because I value You above all else.” Wives worship when they say to God, “I will respect this man and prioritize his needs because I choose You as my God and because I value You above all else.”

    When we “do marriage” as an act of worship, nothing is ever wasted; nothing is ever lost; nothing is ever in vain. Even bitter circumstances are fully redeemed in the sweetness of worship. Ugly hurts are transcended by the beauty of holiness. Acts of love which cost us deeply become the expensive perfume which we are pleased to pour on the feet of Jesus. Every act of genuine worship enriches us; every time we love our spouses as an act of worship to God, we are enriched.

    In our marriages, we want “love as worship” to be a consistent lifestyle, not sporadic incidents. We are committed to this worship whether or not our spouses join us in this perspective. Yielded to the Spirit, we embrace our marriages as sacred places of deeply profound worship.