Four Secrets for Success

You probably know some helpful life-hacks for cooking, cleaning closets, or organizing your garage. Here’s one for your marriage: Remember the letters H-A-C-K.

HACK is an acronym for four fantastic tools for building your marriage. If you keep pouring these essentials into your relationship, you and your spouse will be able to deal successfully with almost anything that comes your way.

1. The H stands for Honor. Maintain an inner posture of honor toward your spouse. In your spirit, keep saluting your husband. In your spirit, keep bowing to your wife.

Your spouse was created in the image of God. That was true on your wedding day. It is still true today, and it will be true on your most difficult days. Your spouse will always be worthy of respect because of the valuable spirit that God created your spouse to be.

Your husband’s actions may not always be worthy of respect, but every day, he is worthy of your respect because he was designed by God for greatness and strength. He is an immortal, priceless spirit, created for significance and success, known and treasured by God.

Your wife’s behavior may not always be worthy of honor, but every day, she is worthy of your honor because she is an immortal, priceless spirit, designed to bring delight and pleasure to the heart of God. She is loved and cherished by God.

Honor your spouse by using gracious, tactful speech. Honor your spouse by using your best manners. Don’t save your polite behavior for company; use your “fine china” manners with your spouse daily. Sure, you can relax and wear your comfy clothes, but don’t relax the filter on your thoughts and the guard on your tongue. If you are more courteous to complete strangers in the grocery store than you are to your covenant partner, then something needs to change.

When we show honor to our spouses, we are actually demonstrating that we ourselves are people of honor. When we withhold honor from our spouses, we are only exposing our own insecurities and pettiness.

Take delight in honoring each other. (Romans 12:10, NLT)

Outdo one another in showing honor. (Romans 12:10, ESV)

Esteem your spouse highly, remembering that he or she is made in the image of God. Be respectful. Stay constantly mindful of your spouse’s high value and worth.

2. The A stands for Attentiveness.

Dr. John Gottman is a world-renown marriage researcher who discovered that he could predict–with surprising accuracy–the success of a marriage based on a single factor. Dr. Gottman had expected to find that successful couples communicated at deep levels with intimate sharing, or that they primarily agreed with one another. But that was not what he found.

Here is what Dr. Gottman discovered: couples who paid attention to one another were successful, but couples who were not attentive to one another would eventually break up.

Dr. Gottman found that husbands and wives make “bids” for attention throughout the day. A bid is any attempt to connect with the other person. It can be something spoken, a touch, a facial expression, or a sound. Responding to bids in a positive way builds the relationship. Ignoring bids or responding in a hostile way destroys a marriage.

… neglecting small moments of emotional connection will slowly wear away at your relationship. Neglect creates distance between partners and breeds resentment in the one who is being ignored.

The hardest time to practice kindness is, of course, during a fight—but this is also the most important time to be kind.[1]

This is a simple concept but extremely important. Responses to bids can be short and simple, but acknowledging the person who made the bid is critical. (It is another expression of honor.)

Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. (Philippians 2:4)

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen.… (James 1:19)

To answer before listening– that is folly and shame. (Proverbs 18:13)

Be attentive to your spouse’s bids, and respond in positive ways, even if only briefly. Focus on your spouse:

• respond to comments,
• make eye contact,
• concentrate on active listening,
• turn off the television,
• close your laptop, and
• lay down your phone.

Friendship with your spouse is worth it! Catch the relationship ball, and then toss it back. That is how the game is played … and enjoyed. Being attentive is not hard, but it does require focus.

3. The C stands for Commitment. Many people think that the most important “C” in marriage is communication. That is certainly important, but commitment must be supreme. Otherwise, you may be communicating about your divorce instead of your marriage!

Resolve that nothing is more important to you than what is best for your spouse and your marriage. When you and your spouse are committed to one another, you gain a firm platform under your feet that allows you to work on your communication or on any other issue.

It can also be important to verbalize your commitment. When a couple does not agree on the color of the carpet, it can be helpful to say out loud, “I like the green, but I value you more than I value the carpet.” Or when dealing with more serious issues, it can be stabilizing to say, “This is a tough conversation, but I want you to know that I am absolutely committed to you and to our marriage.”

Be devoted to one another in love. (Romans 12:10)

Fulfill what you vow. (Ecclesiastes 5:4)

Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. (Hebrews 13:4)

Commitment is the solid foundation that must undergird any successful marriage. It is your commitment that protects your love, not the other way around. As Dietrich Bonhoeffer put it:

It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but … the marriage that sustains your love.

4. The K stands for Kindness. Is there ever a time not to be kind in your marriage?

The short answer is, “No.” The long answer is, “Never.”

Where do people get this idea that marriage is a license to be unkind, as if being thoughtless were a part of intimacy?

Love is patient, love is kind. … It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. … Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Little acts of kindness are huge in a marriage! Specialize in kind words, kind gestures, and kind thoughts. Be warm and pleasant in your interactions, even when you aren’t feeling that way. That is not being dishonest because your will (the choices and motives of your heart) is more important and more authentic than your emotions.

Practice kindness every day with your spouse. Nothing will strengthen your marriage more than simple, ordinary, everyday kindness.

Smile.

Be patient.

Say a kind word.

Give a hug.

Leave a note on the mirror.

Ask about her day, and listen to her answer.

Refill his empty glass.

These things may seem little, but so are the breaths that we take into our lungs moment by moment. Our lives are sustained by little things.

Love is patient and kind. (1 Corinthians 13:4)

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:3)

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. (Colossians 3:12)

Honor. Attentiveness. Commitment. Kindness.  These are strands that can be woven into your marriage every day. The result of these daily, consistent practices—however small or unseen—will be a strong and successful relationship.

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Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash

[1] Emily Esfahani Smith. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/