Here’s one that will strengthen your marriage: a 30-day prayer challenge.
During the month of September, FamilyLife is offering a “Oneness Prayer Challenge.” For 30 days, FamilyLife will text or email to you a short devotional and prayer that you and your spouse can share together.
One of the most powerful things you can do for your marriage is to pray with your spouse. One study found that praying together reduces the rate of divorce to less than 1 in 1,000. Wow!
Praying together seems like a simple thing to do, doesn’t it? Well, it may be simple in concept, but it can be difficult to implement!
If you have not yet established a praying-together habit with your spouse, the Oneness Challenge will be a great help in getting started with that. After 30 days, you will have created a habit that will bless your marriage for a lifetime!
Praying together does not have to take a lot of time. Start with just 2 or 3 minutes.
And praying together does not have to be intimidating. You might begin by simply holding hands and praying together silently. When you are comfortable with that, try reading a short prayer aloud. Progress from there.
If you and your spouse already pray together, the daily devotionals in the Oneness Challenge will encourage you, and the prayers will add a fresh richness to your own.
If your spouse is not willing to pray with you, you can still benefit from using the Oneness Challenge as you pray for your marriage.
“The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.” James 5:16, NLT
You can sign-up here to receive the 30-day Oneness Challenge by email or text: Prayer Challenge.
Jesus was not the first person to be raised from the dead.
His disciples had seen Lazarus walk out of a tomb after being dead for four days. They had seen Jesus lift a dead boy out of his coffin and back into life.
But as amazing as those things were, they did not affect the disciples the way the resurrection of Jesus did. Seeing the resurrected Christ changed His followers dramatically. They became obsessed with the resurrection of Christ.The resurrection became the basis for their faith and the driving force for their lives.
The resurrection of Christ is absolutely unique in all of history:
Others were raised from the dead, but Jesus Christ raised Himself.[i]
He defeated death from within.
Before He died, Jesus made this startling prediction: “Destroy this temple [that is, my body], and in three days I will raise it up” (John 2:19-22, NIV). Jesus told His disciples, “No one takes [my life] from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again” (John 10:18, NIV).
Christ chose to walk into death and then to walk back out, demonstrating a power greater than the power of death. Lazarus and others were given a temporary reprieve from death: they were retrieved from death for a while, but then they died again.
But Christ won more than a postponement; He actually conquered death. He faced it head-on and completely dominated it.
The core of our faith, just like that of the early believers, is the Resurrection of Christ. Death is the fierce power of our sin, but there is a power that is even greater: the purity, the deity, and the love of Christ constitute an absolutely unsurpassed power.
We sometimes fear that forgiving means surrender or passivity. Nothing could be farther from the truth:
Forgiveness is looking evil in the eye, calling it what it is, and then proclaiming victory.
Forgiveness rises taller and stronger than the evil that came against it. It removes the “sting” of evil by removing the harm from the hurt[ii]. It removes the poison of bitterness and the curse of resentment. When we are hurt by others, we experience something like a death: there is a kind of grieving, perhaps the ending of a relationship as it had been, and there may even be—as Lazarus’ sister pointed out—a “bad smell” to the whole affair. But forgiveness says, “This is not the end of the story.”
After His crucifixion, the body of Christ was placed in a borrowed tomb, not His own. Similarly, forgiving involves walking into someone else’s evil, not our own. We stand for a moment in the dark “tomb” of someone else’s sin, but then, like Christ, we choose to walk out into the garden, where the Spirit makes all things new.
This is why Christ-followers must forgive:
Forgiveness is the Resurrection again.
Forgiveness is first the Cross raised as an identifying banner over us. Forgiveness is then the Resurrection, demonstrating the power of the Spirit of God within us. He brings the power to obliterate evil and to transform ashes into beauty.
When given the opportunity to forgive, we can respond to our debtors with these truths in our hearts:
You hurt me, but I will not hurt you back.
My willingness to forgive you is my willingness for God to forgive me.
When God poured out the riches of His grace to me, He included all the grace that I would need to pass on to you.
I do not seek your punishment. I seek your redemption and your healing.
How has forgiveness brought Resurrection power into your life?
[i] The Resurrection was an awesome performance of the Trinity, the Son acting in concert with the Father (Galatians 1:1) and the Spirit (Romans 8:11). [ii] 1 Corinthians 15:55
But do we understand why? Why does our refusal to forgive cause such serious harm to us?
Unforgiveness deforms us because it is rooted in a lie.
As with all sin, it binds us in spiritual enslavement because bitterness denies the truth that sets us free.
Resentment denies the truth of Deuteronomy 23:5, which says that God turns curses into blessings for us because He loves us.
It denies the truth of Jeremiah 29:11 andJob 42:2, which assure us that God’s plans for us are good and that they cannot be thwarted.
Bitterness also denies this startling truth: as forgiven Christ-followers, we do not have the right not to forgive.The liberating truth is that the spiritual work of atonement is finished. Physical consequences may still apply, but spiritual justice has been satisfied.
Bitterness cries out for justice. Forgiveness recognizes that spiritual justice has been served.
Forgiveness is not a matter of deciding not to press charges; it is a matter of recognizing that charges have already been settled. As I recognize that a penalty has already been paid, I can say to the one who has wronged me, “You do not owe me.” Spirit to spirit, there is no debt. Insisting on payment would actually be further injustice.
At the foot of the Cross, I stand next to those who have wronged me, for we are all sinners alike. If the blood flowing down from the pierced body of Christ is insufficient to reach my debtors beside me, then it does not reach me, either, for my sins against God far exceed the sins committed against me.
Forgiveness is full of power because it is full of truth: it is agreeing with God that the debt has been paid.
Justice has been written with whips and nails across the flesh of Christ. The full wrath of God poured out at Calvary even as red blood poured out.
Forgiveness is not something we choose to do as much as it is something we acknowledge: we recognize that the punishment for every wrong and every evil has been lashed and deeply striped across the back of Jesus.
The choice we must make is not whether or not we will forgive:
The choice we must make is whether or not we will be people of the Cross. If we choose to stand in the shadow of the Cross, then every facet of our lives also comes under that shadow of atonement.
Forgiveness, then, is not an isolated event or an extraordinary choice that we make. It is the air we breathe as believers; it is the rule of the Kingdom. It is the seamless way we live, for the Forgiving God lives within us. To deny forgiveness to someone else is to quench the Spirit within us.
It is not being wronged that disrupts the well-being of our spirits; the festering infection within us is our refusal to forgive. When I struggle to forgive someone, I am not wrestling with the one who wronged me as much as I am wrestling with the God who forgave me. My bitterness is my own rebellion against God.
God forgives us not because He denies our wrong or excuses it. He forgives our evil because He has paid the price for it. In fact, Hebrews 9:22 tells us that without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness. Every time we forgive, we are holding out the Cross and saying again, “It is finished.” The paying is finished.
It is the power of the Cross of Christ to move us from a place of punishment to a place of redemption. The work of transformation and restoration remains, but the work of atonement is finished.
As we forgive, we move from seeking punishment to seeking redemption.
Forgiving is the stamp of the Spirit upon our spirit, and it a powerful new proclaiming of the gospel.This “good news” declares that, although evil has been committed, justice has been satisfied. What remains is an invitation to healing and restoration.
Forgiveness says, “Although I have been hurt, I will not hurt you back.”
Forgiveness also says, “I will not feel sorry for myself.” This is possible because we know that God redeems our pain fully. “For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory” (2 Corinthians 4:17, HSCB).
I do not have to deny my pain or someone else’s evil in order to forgive. I do not have to wrestle with my emotions. Instead, I simply lay down the stone that I had wanted to throw in punishment, I walk away from my pity party, and I stand in the shadow of the Cross. And suddenly, I realize that I have forgiven.
The apostle Paul asked his friend Philemon to forgive Onesimus, the slave who had stolen from Philemon. Paul made this remarkable promise to Philemon:
If [Onesimus] has wronged you in any way or owes you anything, charge it to me. I, PAUL, WRITE THIS WITH MY OWN HAND: I WILL REPAY IT. AND I WON’T MENTION THAT YOU OWE ME YOUR VERY SOUL![i]
Paul was saying, “You can forgive this debt, Philemon, because I will pay it.” Paul said this because he knew that God had said the same thing to him.
When we are wronged, we can hear God say these very words to us, too. We can forgive our debtors because God has promised to repay us. He will repay what has been taken from us—and even more.
What creates the strongest base for an enduring, successful marriage?
We try to build our marriages on all kinds of things: on romance, on pleasure, on personal fulfillment, on financial gain, … but our success rate is not very good.
The best foundation is actually so solid that it has two layers: 1) a reliance upon Christ to meet our needs, and
2) a commitment to serve our spouse.
Last week, I discussed forgiveness as a “weapon of mass destruction,” recognizing its immense spiritual power. Today, I would like to continue with this theme of forgiveness, evaluating its current popularity as therapeutic self-help. (If you missed last week’s post, you can read it HERE.)
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Trendy Self-Help
Interestingly, forgiveness has received a lot of positive press lately in mainstream culture. “Forgiveness is good for you” is a trending theme promoted by all kinds of secular sources, including physicians, psychologists, news outlets, and entertainment media. We can appreciate and even applaud this surge of support for forgiveness.
However, if we forgive only for our own sakes, then the power of forgiveness is stunted. True forgiveness is not primarily a self-help strategy, although we do benefit when we forgive. The tremendous dynamo of forgiveness is activated most fully when our motivation is grounded in truth and in love.
Diluting and Defusing Forgiveness
If we dilute our forgiveness by forgiving others for our own gain, then we lessen the impact of love upon the wrongdoer. We defuse the spiritual combustion that could have wreaked greater havoc on enemy forces.
Leslie Leyland Fields has written about the “therapeutic forgiveness message,” quoting those who say, “Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.” She recalls Jesus’s parable of the unmerciful servant who was forgiven a large debt but who then refused to forgive someone else’s small debt:
That man with massive debts who is called before the king is us. We’re hopeless before the holy King. We stand there shoulder to shoulder with every other debtor, even those who owe us money and honor and … love. … Our only hope is the King himself, and he does it. He clears our debts entirely. … [The man in the parable] misses this essential fact: Forgiveness is not for his personal freedom and happiness alone. It’s to bring freedom and restoration to all, especially to those who owe him. … We may begin the journey of forgiveness to ease our own burdens. But along the way we discover a chance to live out the fullness of the gospel: loving the unlovely, forgiving seventy times seven. In so doing, we reflect the kingdom of God among us.[i]
Self-Help for God?
Does God forgive us so that He can give Himself a gift? No, at great cost to Himself, He forgives us so that we can receive a gift. He forgives us so that we can be changed through the power of love.
When we are given opportunities to forgive, we are being privileged to reflect God in a dramatic way.
You’ve heard of a “weapon of mass destruction.” Do you think there could be something like a spiritual WMD?
I recently read the astonishing biography of Jacob DeShazer, one of the courageous Doolittle Raiders.[i] Led by Lieutenant Colonel James Doolittle, these American airmen were the first to bomb Japan after the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor in 1941. When DeShazer’s plane crashed after the raid, he was captured by the Japanese and tortured as a POW for 40 months. Through reading a Bible, Jacob became a follower of Christ and “a new creation.”[ii] After the war ended, Jacob was able to express love and sincere forgiveness to his former cruel guards and to the Japanese people.
Captain Fuchida was the Japanese airman who had led the attack on Pearl Harbor. After the war, Captain Fuchida was convinced that everyone, regardless of nationality, was motivated by revenge toward one’s enemies. However, as he tried to gather evidence of this, he was astounded to learn that DeShazer and other Christians were showing kindness and extending forgiveness to those who had mistreated them. When DeShazer returned to Japan as a missionary in 1948, Captain Fuchida was eager to speak with him.
What happened then is incredible: DeShazer, an American who had been part of the first bombing of Japan, was able to lead to Christ the Japanese man who had led the attack on Pearl Harbor! The spiritual explosion of forgiveness had transformed hatred into love. Together, Jacob DeShazer and Captain Fuchida shared the gospel with thousands of Japanese, many of whom also accepted Christ as their Lord.
When Christ died on the cross, the most profound fission in the universe occurred as the Father was separated from the Son.
This breaking-apart of the triune God was far more fantastic than the splitting of an atom. What a massive explosion occurred in the spiritual realm! It is no wonder that darkness fell across the land and the ground shook.
The power generated by that fission destroyed the fierce stranglehold of Death upon men and women. As Wesley Hill puts it, the death of Christ “broke death’s power forever because it was the death of the Deathless One.”[iii]
The immense release of Divine Energy at Calvary was sufficient to fulfill the old covenant of earning and, at the same time, to establish the new covenant of receiving. Just as a split rock released thirst-quenching water for the ancient Israelites, so the broken body of God released life-saving atonement for a dying humanity.
The rending of the heart of God preceded the stunning cohesion of reconciliation. Just as extreme nuclear reactions often involve both fission and fusion, so the spiritual dynamics of forgiveness also involve both fission and fusion. When we forgive, we must forcefully separate from our natural desire for retaliation and revenge. We then yield to a fusion of our will with the will of God. This is not a passive, insignificant act: this creates a powerful reaction in the spiritual realm.
Each time we forgive through the work of the Spirit, there is a devastation of the works of the enemy.
Not only are forces of darkness defeated, but there is also a mighty unleashing of spiritual energy for our own healing, for the redemption of others, and for the restoration of relationships.
If we want to strike a crippling blow against satanic forces–if we want to advance the kingdom of God–then let’s bring out the “big guns” and forgive. Let’s unleash the explosive light of forgiveness so that the forces of darkness are trounced.
The President got a bit emotional this morning over the Supreme Court’s decision to legalize homosexual unions.
I did, too.
In fact, I cried. I am absolutely brokenhearted that this nation would willingly deprive children of a mother or a father—not only deprive the children, but tell them that it is no loss.
Many are celebrating today that #LoveWins. But who wins when a child is willfully deprived of a mother or a father? This is only loss, and it is loss for everyone. This is something to be grieved.
“What sorrow for those who say that evil is good and good is evil, that dark is light and light is dark, that bitter is sweet and sweet is bitter” (Isaiah 5:20, NLT).
With respect and compassion, I say that so-called “gay marriage” is neither gay nor marriage. It has no threads of dignity or health; it has no fabric of life; it has no cloth to cover shame. It is no garment of glory.
There are cheering crowds, yes. There is much applause, yes.
But the emperor has no clothes on.
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Image courtesy of num_skyman at FreeDigitalPhotos.net Image courtesy of tiverylucky at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Last week, I mentioned a new book entitled, Fight Back with Joy. However, I did not get any farther than the title! 🙂 Today, I’d like to share a bit more with you about this book by Margaret Feinberg.
Not long ago, Margaret began focusing on joy as her “word of the year.” After several months of pondering and pursuing joy, Margaret learned that she had cancer. God had lovingly and wisely equipped Margaret with a new weapon before she entered the brutal battlefield of dealing with cancer.
Joy proved to be a formidable weapon, indeed. It was not always the emotional cheer that Margaret would have liked, but it was also deeper and more fierce than she had realized.
The book is easy to read, thought-provoking, and encouraging. Here are 12 quotes which I appreciated from Fight Back with Joy:
1. The Bible insists that joy is more than a feeling; it’s an action. We don’t just sense joy; we embody it by how we respond to the circumstances before us. (page 19)
2. What is the genesis of this joy? I believe that, at its core, joy emanates from the abiding sense of God’s fierce love for us. (19)
3. The astonishing love of God found in the relational Dance of the Trinity is brimming with delight. (21)
4. You are founded in joy, created for joy, and destined for joy. Joy is where you come from. Joy is what you are created to experience. Joy is where you are headed. (23)
5. Joy is a far more dynamic, forceful weapon than most of us realize. The abiding sense that you are fiercely loved by God? That kind of joy empowers you to rise above any circumstance. (23)
6. [It is important] to mourn well. The process of mourning is like a long exhale. Expelling sorrow can feel like it’s emptying us of life, but it’s crucial to breathing joy more deeply. (72)
7. When we don’t allow ourselves to grieve well, something inside us dies. … We may not feel as much pain, but we also don’t feel as much joy. Our spiritual vitality depends on our ability to mourn the notable losses in life…. (79)
8. When done well, the tears of mourning become a river that washes away our pain, a holy stream carrying us toward healing, wholeness, and joy. (81)
9. [Celebration] is a discipline. Sometimes you have to will yourself to do it. (90)
10. Celebration is a discipline. But it’s also divine. (93)
11. Most days rejoicing didn’t make us feel better. Some moments buoyed our spirits, and laced us with smiles that attracted new friends. More often it opened the floodgates of tears. Joy is an action, something we can do, regardless of what our emotions may reveal. (107-108)
12. Like a fistful of red balloons, joy picks us up when life knocks us down. … Not only does joy enhance our stride in life, but it also shouts, “Look up!” (132)
God has overflowing joy for us. We can trust that. I agree with Margaret that our joy springs, first of all, from knowing that we are deeply, unfailingly loved by God. It then deepens as we know (experience) Christ more and more.
As C.S. Lewis said, “Joy is the serious business of heaven.” In other words, God is committed to joy! For believers, earthly life is preparation for entrance into our Master’s joy (Matthew 25:21). All of history is being shaped and funneled for the fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11): God and His people will delight in one another without end.
How do you practice the discipline of joy? How do you grieve in healthy ways? I would love to hear your thoughts.
Blessings of joy to you,
Tami
(Click HERE for last week’s post, “Is Joy a Weapon?”)
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Photo credits:
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/519scN9F3eL._SY344_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Fight Back with Joy is Margaret Feinberg’s latest book.[i] As you may know, I am passionate about fighting on our knees for our marriages and families, and I am convinced that worship is a powerful weapon in spiritual battle. When I saw Fight Back with Joy, I was eager to consider joy as another important weapon.
But is joy really a spiritual weapon? As I pondered that question, I focused on Nehemiah 8:10: “The joy of the LORD is my strength.” My thinking followed these successive steps:
1. The word used here in Nehemiah for “strength” is maowz, which means “place or means of safety, protection, refuge, stronghold” (Strong’s H4581). Maowz is sometimes translated as “fortress.” The prophet Jeremiah wrote, “LORD, you are my strength and fortress [maowz], my refuge in the day of trouble!” (16:19, NLT)
2. This means that the joy of the LORD is our refuge; it is a place of protection. In fact, the HCSB translates Nehemiah 8:10 like this: “Do not grieve, because the joy of the Lord is your stronghold.”
When we let go of joy, we make ourselves vulnerable to the enemy.
3. So … if joy is a weapon, then perhaps it is a shield, which offers protection. Roman soldiers had shields which would completely cover them, protecting them from attacks above or from the side.
4. The apostle Paul said that our faith functions as a spiritual shield. Could joy be a part of our faith? It is! It is a core piece, just as metal was sometimes the core piece of a Roman shield.
Joy is the faith that God loves us passionately and personally, intensely and intimately. Joy is the faith that God will keep His covenant promises to us without fail. Our conviction that we can trust God implicitly is what protects us from the schemes of the enemy.
Joy is not an emotion, although it can be expressed as an emotion. Joy is something we do: joy is choosing to believe that God loves us.
Perhaps we can say that joy is like the inner layer of metal within an ancient shield, adding strength to the wood and leather.
5. If joy is a weapon, then it is a shield of defense. We can choose to keep ourselves within the refuge of joy, keeping our thoughts and spirits deeply sheltered within the love of Christ—a love that is so wide and long and high and deep that it covers us fully and endlessly (Ephesians 3:18).
6. In researching Roman shields, I learned that the ancient shield was not only defensive but also offensive. How interesting! In fact, some claim that the Roman shield was primarily offensive. It was actually used to punch the enemy. It was the Roman soldier’s “main weapon.”[ii]
So … if joy is a shield, then it is also offensive. I love that! We do not only protect ourselves through joy, but we also advance through joy. We come against the enemy—we overcome the enemy–when we practice tenacious joy.
Here is how we “punch the enemy” with a shield of joy:
We will believe that God loves us. (Pow!) We will believe that God is actively loving us right now in this situation. (Crash!) We will believe that God’s love in unfailing. (Wham!) We will believe that God’s love for us is perfect, wise, and powerful. (Boom!) We will believe that God withholds no good thing from those who belong to Him. (Smash!)
7. So … yes, I think that joy is a weapon. Our shield of faith, strengthened with a core of joy, is a powerful spiritual weapon. As we believe truth, including the truths of love which strengthen us with joy, we are well equipped for victorious battle.
Ann Voskamp puts it this way:
The joy of the Lord is your strength and the person of Christ is your unassailable joy – and the battle for joy is nothing less than fighting the good fight of faith.[iii]
Take up your shield of faith, with its strong core of joy, and watch God win!
Forget working on your checklist for the ideal marriage.
Instead, focus on your spouse.
Trying to achieve a certain kind of marriage can make us crazy. It can be very discouraging. But a lot of that hard work is misdirected energy. We are actually off-target when we focus on the marriage itself.
We have been called to love someone, not to create a particular kind of marriage. We do not take our marriages with us to heaven. We take people with us to heaven.
Focus on loving your spouse, serving according to his or her needs as God directs. As a result, your marriage will be blessed. But turning your eyes away from your spouse to focus on the marriage itself will bring frustration and disappointment.
We thrive when we stop trying to manipulate our marriages, and instead focus on valuing our spouses. They are the real treasures. Your husband is the real treasure. Your wife is the real treasure.
Forget your marriage. Instead, focus on your ministry as a spouse.
When we stand before God, we will not be evaluated by the type of marriages we had. We will be accountable, however, for the way we ministered as wives or as husbands.
We torment ourselves with continually measuring our marriages against our version of the perfect marriage. We can live free from that! Instead of evaluating our marriages, we want to evaluate ourselves as wives or husbands. Let’s pray for insight into the needs of our covenant partners, and then let’s ask God to enable us to minister to those needs according to His wisdom and purposes.
FORGET THIS: FOCUS ON THIS:
grumbling *gratitude
changing your spouse *accepting your spouse
evaluating your marriage *evaluating yourself as a spouse
controlling your spouse *serving your spouse
judging, which is claiming to know *examining the motives of your heart
the motives of someone else’s heart
pursuing your own agenda *pursuing Christ, the One who fully satisfies your deepest longings
The “Fear of Missing Out” is the latest trend. This phobia can cause endless checking of social media, as well as feelings of anxiety and depression. But Christ-followers have no need to take part in the FoMO fad because we have this fantastic promise from God:
Psalm 84:11 assures us that we will not miss out on even one good thing if we are following Christ.
But we are often tempted to feel that God is holding out on us, aren’t we? We think, if only God would give me the good thing of better health; if only He would give me the good thing of that relationship I want; if only He would give me the good thing of more money or a different job. We wonder how we can get God to just let us have that good thing that He is holding back from us.
But when we believe that God is withholding a blessing from us, our thoughts are rooted in deception. God withholds no good thing from those who follow hard after Him.
There is no generosity like the generosity of God toward His people. He is absolutely lavish in His love.
We can trust Him.
We can trust Him with our marriages. We can trust His instructions to us. We can trust His plans. We can trust Him with our needs, with our disappointments, and with our longings. We can trust Him with our lives.
Perhaps you wore a gorgeous gown or a dashing tux when you stood before God and spoke your vows. You chose someone—out of all the people on the face of the earth—to be “the one” for you. You made noble promises on a glorious day.
And then you began the daily business of marriage. You packed the gown or returned the tux, and you filed away the vows with special-day memories.
But you probably want the same thing that I want: day-by-day efforts that grow into a decade-by-decade success. If we want our daily decisions to create lifetime legacies, then this is what we must do: every day, we must choose our spouses again. Every day—maybe even every hour—we must choose again.
Every day, we choose to be committed to our covenant partners. Every day, we choose to make them our top priorities. Every day, we choose our spouses—out of all the people on the face of the earth—to be “the one” for us.
Every day, we can make five “I will not” commitments to our spouses: (Click HERE to continue reading this article.)
Let us keep our marriage vows, which are really promises to God. Let us break our covenant promises the day that God breaks His covenant promises to us.
On Pentecost this weekend, don’t forget to celebrate the Spirit, the One who empowers us to keep our promises.
Blessings to you,
Tami
————————————— Image courtesy of Rosen Georgiev at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
There is a birthday coming up soon that you will not want to miss!
Did you know that “the birthday of the Church” is on May 24 this year? You may know the day better as “Pentecost” or as “the Feast of Weeks.” There are many things that I love about this holy-day, but if I had to pare it down to just one essential, I would say this:
Pentecost is a special day to thank God for the precious, powerful gift of His Spirit to every believer.
On the day of Pentecost, the Spirit came to God’s people like a mighty rushing wind. (See Acts 2.) The Spirit is not only God with us, but He is God within us! As we yield to God, His Spirit fills us just as the the beautiful glory of God filled the Old Testament tabernacle.
It is the weaving of the Spirit that allows us to abide in Christ as He abides in us. The Spirit guides us, challenges us, and comforts us. What a wonderful Gift to celebrate!
Like Pentecost, our marriages also have one essential:
the Holy Spirit.
The Spirit is the Mighty Rushing Wind in our marriages, too! It is through the Spirit that the glory of God fills our marriages. It is the Spirit who knits together one man and one woman within the one-flesh covenant. It is the Spirit who guides us to serve our spouses. It is the Breath of God who challenges us to love well and who comforts us in the painful places of our marriages.
The Spirit is the One who gives us power—the power to forgive, to honor, and to cherish (Acts 1:8). He gives us the ability to speak in other languages: He enables us to communicate love and respect in ways that our spouses can “hear” and receive (Acts 2:4). As God pours out His Spirit, there will be signs and wonders in our marriages (Acts 2:18, 19). There will be miracles of forgiveness, endurance, humility, and kindness.
It is the Spirit who oils our relationships with harmony. He is the Friend who longs to encourage the lover and his beloved, not only in the “Song of Songs,” but in every marriage.
Even if your spouse is not obedient to God, the Holy Spirit is able to pour redemption and goodness into your marriage through your yielded spirit.
What a wonderful Gift to celebrate!
LORD, I do thank You for the priceless gift of Your Spirit. How awesome that You would choose to live with me and even within me! I yield to Your rule in my marriage. Even if my spouse does not join me, I choose to yield to You. Fill my mind with Your thoughts; give me eyes to see what You see; and fill my heart with Your desires. Fill me with Your Presence so that Your glory radiates into my marriage. Amen.
A joyful celebration to you!
Tami
If you would like to learn more about Pentecost, I have written much more about it HERE and HERE.
This Thursday, May 7, will be the 64th National Day of Prayer. You can be part of this important movement as we pray together for our country.
The National Day of Prayer website offers a number of prayer resources. I am attaching two of those resources here because they are helpful in knowing how to pray specifically for our country’s leaders:
*a bookmark which lists 130 top U.S. officials by name (click HERE), and
*a prayer guide which lists 30 ways to pray for those who are in authority (click HERE).
We certainly want to be praying for the Supreme Court justices as they prepare to rule on Obergefell v. Hodges. Their decision will have a significant impact on marriages and families in this country.
The theme for this year’s National Day of Prayer is 1 Kings 8:28:
“Hear the cry and the prayer that your servant is praying in your presence this day.”
And here is this year’s song:
As always, you are invited to join us this Thursday for our weekly prayer call. We “fight on our knees” for our marriages at 12:30 (Eastern) for fifteen minutes. To join us online, click HERE on Thursday; or to join us by phone, call1-323-920-0091. When prompted, enter the access code 022 5211#. (Callers are in “listen-only” mode.)
As a culture, we do not talk much about masculinity, and our little boys are becoming big boys instead of men. We are seeing more passive males and fewer masculine men.
Why is masculinity important?
In the beginning, “God created humans in his own image. He created them to be like himself. He created them male and female” (Genesis 1:27, ERV). Our human design as male or as female reflects something very important about God. We know that God is neither male nor female. However, He has attributes of both masculinity and femininity.
While being male or being female are components of biology, masculinity and femininity are components of relationship. The triune God encompasses full and rich relationship within the Godhead. When males live as masculine men, and when females live as feminine women, they are able to reveal more fully the glory of God. When we blur the distinctions of masculinity and femininity, we are blurring a critical piece of our knowledge of God. In the process, we also fail to know ourselves, for we have been made in His image.
In a culture which understands only the biological distinctions of male and female, people often act like animals, which are male or female but not masculine or feminine. When we reduce ourselves from “bearers of the divine image” to mere animals, we miss the glory and significance for which we were created. We also lose critically important tools for building strong relationships in our marriages.
Alone in the Garden of Eden before God created Eve, Adam was a male human being. But in relationship with his wife, Adam could be masculine. Understanding the unique strengths of both masculinity and femininity gives us an immense advantage in our marriages: not only do we gain insight into our spouses, but we also gain valuable instruction on how we can best contribute to these relationships.
While being male and female allows for physical interaction, being masculine and feminine allows for souls to be knit together.
What is the masculinity of God?
We see this type of masculinity being fleshed out through the Lover in the Song of the Songs, and we read God’s directives for masculinity in several power-packed verses in Ephesians 5. From these and other Scriptures, we learn two primary characteristics of God-revealing masculinity:
1. A masculine husband is a man of responsibility. The apostle Paul wrote that the husband is “the head” of his wife. This means that the man is to carry the weight of responsibility. God has charged the husband with nothing less than the well-being of his wife. It is the calling of a masculine man to cherish his wife, esteem her, protect her, provide for her, and love her with unconditional, tender love.
Following the example of Christ the Bridegroom, a masculine husband makes it his goal to nurture his wife’s health and thriving, both outwardly and inwardly. This man does not shirk his responsibility; he stands tall to carry it well. As he shoulders the weight of this responsibility, a masculine husband gains the spiritual weight of significance and develops the strength of success.
2. A masculine husband is a man of action rather than a male of passivity. After accepting responsibility for the well-being of his wife, what does a husband do? With energy and with initiative, he acts on behalf of his wife. He moves toward his beloved to know her and to serve her. He works for her good, taking action even to the point of self-sacrifice. He lays down his self-centeredness, his self-directed interests, his self-focused energy, his self-directed time, and his own self-guided preferences. He knows that loving his wife well is the best thing that he can do for himself. When his bride is radiant, the masculine man wins. (They both win, don’t they?)
God’s loving of us first, His moving toward us to love us, His self-sacrificing action to rescue us, His ongoing pursuit of us—all of these are part of the masculine glory of God. Certainly, there are many times when women can, and even should, act in these ways, too. But God has a unique calling on the lives of husbands to be responsible for their wives’ well-being and to take energetic, loving action. Husbands who specialize in these things are wise.
How can a wife encourage her husband’s masculinity?
With the best of intentions, many women choose the worst of tactics: pushing, controlling, or leading. Not only do these approaches fail to stir up masculinity, but they can actually backfire, making matters worse. Pushing a husband tends to evoke his withdrawal or his anger—two things a wife does not want. When a wife tries to control or to lead, the husband will often become passive.
The best way to encourage masculinity is through femininity, which is the warm welcoming of a husband’s spirit. Femininity is the deep acceptance of a husband as a man of great value. (Certainly, femininity is not the welcoming of ungodly behavior, nor is it an acceptance of abuse.) A feminine woman supports and cooperates with the responsibility of her husband, and she welcomes his proactive movement to serve.
How does our culture affect masculinity?
Our culture works relentlessly to suppress masculinity. Though it may seem ironic to some, pornography is a vicious emasculator. The pornographic industry recognizes maleness, but it eviscerates masculinity. Pornography deforms a male into profound passivity; instead of moving toward his wife to give for her benefit, the husband demands movement toward himself for his own consumption. Instead of bearing responsibility, he denies it, trading away the masculine glory of God.
King David, who was a man after God’s own heart, spoke these final words of counsel to his son Solomon: “So be strong, act like a man, and observe what the Lord your God requires …” (1 Kings 2:1, NIV).
The Spirit of God is continuing to raise up such men––men of spiritual strength, action, and responsibility.
I often need to recall the basics. Here are the basics of love, as spoken to us by Love Himself, paraphrased by Eugene Peterson. My favorite line is near the end:
Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly.
From “the love chapter” (1 Corinthians 13):
Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, … Isn’t always “me first,” Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, … Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies. …
We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us towardthat consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. (Nehemiah 8:10, NIV)
That is not only a command and a statement, but it is also a promise!
God is full of love, and He is also full of joy. Not only is He the greatest Lover, but He is also the most joyful Person in the universe. His love and His joy are woven together.
We tend to think that if we have joy, then we can love others. But I think it really works the other way around: if we love, then we can have joy. When we give to others, we gain joy.
The exhaling of love allows the inhaling of joy.
But there is more! I think there is something else involved in this giving and this joy—something that is very important but often overlooked:
Covenantal love is a decision to enjoy another person.
While godly love is a commitment to give, it is also a commitment to enjoy.Part of loving our spouses well is enjoying them–enjoying who they are. God does that for us, and we can do that for others. God delights in us, and we can choose to delight in others.
So I guess we can say that this, too, is a giving because we are giving the gift of enjoying. When someone enjoys who you are, isn’t that like a gift to you?
Very often, our joy in marriage is lacking because our commitment to enjoying our spouses is lacking. We think that enjoyment should simply come to us. It’s great when that happens, but sometimes we must make the decision—the determination even—to enjoy someone. After we take the challenge to enjoy, we can pray for eyes to see past faults and past behaviors to the core treasure of someone. We can pray to see more of what God sees and more of what God delights in.
Enjoying our spouse is part of our love. That is part of what we give. And when we give the way God does, then we have the joy that God has. Then we have the joy of the Lord as our strength.
——————————————————- Image courtesy of Witthaya Phonsawat at FreeDigitalPhotos.net. Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
How would you take these two Scriptures concerning marriage and put them together in one illustration?
“You husbands must give honor to your wives.” 1 Peter 3:7, NLT
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Ephesians 5:22, ESV
Author and pastor James Ford puts these two directives together in an unusual word-picture that he calls the “Parity Principle.” Here is how it works:
The husband is to put his wife “on a pedestal,” so to speak. Just as a man might put a treasured heirloom on a pedestal of honor, so the husband is to esteem his wife and attach high value to her. When the wife is on a pedestal, the couple is not face-to-face.
However, …
The wife is “to bow,” so to speak, to her husband. When the woman on the pedestal bows in respect to the man who raised her to a place of honor, the couple is now face-to-face in healthy relationship.
Last week, I shared with you several themes from the Holy Week of Christ that we can apply to our marriages. We looked at Palm Sunday through Wednesday last time, so today we will consider Thursday through Easter Sunday. May this be a Holy Week in each of our homes.
Thursday: themes of servanthood and covenant vows
At the Last Supper, Jesus washed the feet of His disciples. This was an act of humility and of service. Afterwards, He explained that He had come to serve and that true greatness belongs to the greatest servants.
A little later, He offered the disciples a Passover cup and said, “Drink from it …. It is My blood of the covenant.” This action reflected a tradition from the Hebrew betrothal ceremony. When proposing marriage, a man would pour a cup of wine and then offer it to the woman whom he hoped to marry. If she accepted the cup and drank from it, she was agreeing to become the man’s covenant partner.
Every time we drink from the communion cups at our churches, we are doing much more than remembering that Christ died for us; we are actually renewing our covenant commitment to Him. We are agreeing to share His cup, to share His suffering, to share His life with Him. No wonder the apostle Paul tells us that we should not take communion carelessly! It is a renewal of our covenant vows to belong entirely to Christ.
Prayer: LORD, thank You for pouring out lavish love to me. Thank You, Almighty Creator and Ruler of the Universe, for humbling Yourself to wear human flesh and to suffer unimaginable agony so that I could enjoy a personal relationship with You. Thank You for serving me and for being my Covenant Partner.
LORD, I want Your ways of humility, service, and commitment to fill my marriage. Pour out Your Spirit into my marriage through me. Help me to put more importance, significance, and attention on my spouse than on myself (Philippians 2:3).
Help me to be willing to suffer, as Your wisdom directs, for the sake of my spouse, my covenant partner. Make me alert and sensitive to the needs that You are calling me to serve. Before You, I renew my commitment to my spouse.
Action: This Easter, how is God asking me to serve my covenant partner? Where do I need to take off pride and put on humility (just as Christ took off His outer garment and put on a towel)? How can I renew my vows to my spouse—that is, how can I express my renewed commitment to him or her?
Friday: theme of destroyed barriers
Friday was the day that Christ was crucified at the Place of the Skull. There are many things that we can learn from that day, but what I would like to highlight now is something that happened in the Temple when Christ died.
An incredible thing happened: the thick veil that had hung between the Holy Place and the Holy of Holies was torn in two, from top to bottom. This symbolized God’s move to destroy the spiritual barrier that had separated sinful people from Himself. Although we had been the ones to wrong Him, He took the initiative to reconcile. At great cost to Himself, through His own broken body, God opened a path for restored relationship.
When God broke the barrier, this explosively powerful action in the spiritual realm was again reflected in the physical realm: “The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life.” (Matthew 27:51-52, NIV)
Prayer: LORD, thank You for tearing the veil so that I could experience a covenant relationship with You. Thank You for being willing to tear Your own flesh so that I could know healing and wholeness.
Please destroy the barriers, whether small or great, between my spouse and myself. Please bring healing and wholeness to my marriage. Help me to be willing to take action, even at cost to my own comfort or preferences, as You direct me by Your Spirit.
Action: This Easter, how can I “tear a veil”—that is, how can I take action to destroy a barrier in my marriage?
Saturday: theme of trusting when we don’t understand
On Saturday, the heartbroken disciples must have struggled with fear, guilt, huge disappointment, and probably even despair. They had expected Jesus to conquer the Romans and to provide political salvation to the Jewish people, and they had expected to be key players in that exhilarating action. Instead, Jesus had been crucified by the Romans, and the disciples had played the part of fleeing cowards.
However, God was conquering in greater ways than they had imagined! God was preparing a glory for each Christ-follower that was far beyond their grandest hopes. Despite the horrors of the physical realm, God’s plan was right on course in the spiritual realm. What appeared to be utter defeat in the physical and temporal realm was actually a more-than-conquering victory in the spiritual and eternal realm.
Prayer: LORD, thank You for Your marvelous plans for goodness and glory and intimacy and health and joy. Thank You for being a trustworthy God. I praise You for Your power to orchestrate every detail, seen or unseen. Thank You for keeping every precious promise. Thank You for being far more generous to me than I can even imagine. Thank You for redeeming the works of the darkness.
Help me to trust Your unseen work in my marriage, as I yield to You. Help me not to lean on my own understanding, but to lean on Your promises. Reassure my fearful heart that, even though Saturday is dark today, the glorious Light of Sunday is preparing to spring forth.
Action: As I think about my marriage this Easter, am I trusting my physical eyes instead of using spiritual eyes? Where am I doubting the goodness of God? How am I disappointed with God in my marriage? How can I trust that His plans are greater than mine? How can I cling to the promises of God instead of to my pain?
Easter Sunday: theme of opened eyes
On Resurrection Sunday, several followers of Christ failed to recognize Him. They were focused on their pain and disappointment. They were aware of their own failed plans, and they did not comprehend His far greater, successful plans. But the Spirit opened their eyes to see God’s awesome work. When they saw what God had done, there was no regret or disappointment. They were overjoyed!
Prayer: LORD, please open my eyes to You as You work in my marriage. Thank You for being the God who raises the dead to life. I praise You for being a God who delights in making things new and beautiful. I ask you to bring to life what has been dead in my marriage. Make our spirits and our relationship new and beautiful, full of Your truth and Your life. Thank You for being a God of Resurrection Power. I lay my marriage before You, asking You to release that Power in my home., and I rejoice that You are working actively and forcefully for my good and Your glory. I am overjoyed that You are my Living God, and I rejoice in the Abundant Life that You pour into me.
Action: In my marriage, how can I, like Mary, lift my eyes to see Christ before me? How do I need to quiet my spirit so that I hear His voice of instruction to me? How can I, like the believers in Emmaus, receive the Spirit’s gift of “opened eyes” so that I can recognize God in the midst of my marriage?
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Rejoicing with you in our Living God, who still works miracles of resurrection, Tami
Easter week is a special time of celebration for Christians. We remember the days leading up to the crucifixion of Christ, and we celebrate His resurrection from the dead. In fact, Resurrection Sunday is our highest holy day: it is the greatest event in history, and it is our greatest reason for joy.
During the next several days, Christians will be meditating on the profound spiritual principles that we can learn from Christ as He walked through that Holy Week. We want to apply these truths, first of all, to our relationship with Christ. However, we can also apply many of these principles to our marriages, too. (You knew I was going to say that, didn’t you?)
For each day of the Passion Week, I would like to share with you some thoughts that we can apply to our marriages. I will include Palm Sunday through Wednesday in today’s post, and I will send Thursday through Resurrection Sunday next week.
Easter Thoughts for Your Marriage
Sunday: themes of welcoming and praise
Sunday is the day we call Palm Sunday, the day of the Triumphal Entry. Christ rode into Jerusalem as the gentle King, and the people welcomed Him with praise.
Prayer:LORD, I welcome You to this marriage. I lay branches of adoration before You. I spread garments of praise to welcome You. I lay myself before You in worship.
Thank You for being the gentle King who comes to us, to be Immanuel to us, to be the God who is with us. I ask you to reign with gentleness over our home. We need Your wisdom to guide us and Your peace to govern us.
I praise You, King of Glory, who comes to us, even in our brokenness and darkness. This is an awesome thing! “Who is this?”
This is Jesus.
“Hosanna! Blessed is He who comes in the Name of the Lord.”
Action: How can I offer affirming words to my spouse? How can I be a welcoming presence to my spouse? I receive my spouse today as a gift from God.
Monday: theme of cleansing
On Monday, Christ cleansed the Temple in Jerusalem.
Prayer: LORD, I pray that my marriage will be a dwelling place for You, a kind of temple for You. We need Your cleansing. Please reveal to me where I have brought defilement or impurity to my marriage. Help me to turn from it. Show me my part in cleansing our marriage.
Action: How have I “robbed” my spouse? Have I withheld from my spouse affection, loyalty, respect, or support? How have I bartered when I should have given freely?
Tuesday: theme of anointing
With lavish love, Mary anointed Jesus with expensive perfume.
Prayer: LORD, I want to pour out to You my full obedience to You in this marriage. I pray that this offering of myself would be like a sweet aroma to You. I pray, too, that the Presence of Your love in my life would be like a pleasing fragrance to my spouse.
Action: How can I anoint my spouse with honor today? I want to say to my spouse, “I choose you!” How can I show lavish love today?
Wednesday: theme of rest
Prayer:LORD, thank You for the places of rest that You give in the midst of our busyness and chaos. I pray that You would open my eyes to the need for “quiet streams” in my marriage. Help me to let go of “rushing” so that our spirits can rest; help me to let go of “pushing” so that You can prepare us for what You know is ahead of us.
Action: I want to be still, and know that He is God. How can I build needed rest into my marriage? Where does my spouse need renewal?
Perhaps you have reasons such as these: You are the only one trying to making it work. It takes too much effort. Nothing ever gets better. It is too painful. What if you discovered that God’s gift of hope is greater than your pit of despair? What if you learned six powerful reasons for not giving up?
1. Just one person can make a huge difference in a marriage. Just one person—you!—can make enough difference in a marriage to change the entire dynamic of the relationship.
Imagine this: think of two people standing back-to-back in conflict. If both people are willing to turn around, then the couple will be face-to-face in good relationship again. However, what happens when one person in that back-to-back situation remains motionless while the other person walks around to face the one who did not move? The two people become face-to-face again, even though only one person moved.
If you had only a few minutes to share the most important principles about marriage, what would you say? What are the most critical components to understand about marriage?
Your Marriage: God’s Masterful Designis my response to those questions. I am excited to share this new resource with you! Many of you received a shorter, working version of this booklet several weeks ago. But I would like to give you now the completed version. Simply click HERE for the fullPDF.
Have you attended A Weekend to Remember? My husband and I were blessed to attend this marriage getaway recently, and we are eager to recommend it to you now!
A Weekend to Remember is a marriage retreat organized by Family Life. The events are held all over the country throughout the year. From Friday evening through Sunday morning, couples hear excellent teaching on marriage, relax at a great hotel, and enjoy quality time together. The weekend is marriage-saving and life-changing for many.
“The Weekend to Remember getaway is not a large counseling session, and you will not be asked to participate in small groups. Rather, you will receive marriage-changing principles that you can take home and apply to your daily lives that will strengthen your marriage. During the weekend, you will learn how to:
Receive your spouse as a gift.
Clarify your role as a husband or wife.
Resolve conflict in the relationship.
Maintain a vital sexual connection.
Express forgiveness to one another.
Increase your commitment, creating an even deeper level of intimacy.
“Every couple drives away with a roadmap to a great marriage. You will leave the weekend with encouragement, hope, and practical tools to build and grow your relationship.” (Family Life)
If you are military, be sure to sign up soon because free registration is currently being offered. And if you aren’t military, be sure to sign up with the code MannaForMarriage to receive a discount of $100 per couple. Click HERE to find locations and times, and to register.
Central Florida friends: There will be a Weekend to Remember this summer in Orlando, June 12-14.
Florida Panhandle friends: There will be a Weekend to Remember in Destin, November 6-8.
Thank you for your prayers for the “WifeSOS” webinar this week. God blessed us with a wonderful event. As we thank Him for His help, let’s continue to pray that God will use the material to encourage and equip many wives.
If you missed the webinar, or would like to share it with someone else, here is my segment, “The Four Specialties of a Gorgeous Wife”:
May you soak in God’s amazing love for you this weekend.
You made your list. Now check it twice: have you included a gift for your marriage?
I like the idea of celebrating the twelve days of Christmas with my true love. But have you priced a partridge in a pear tree lately? That unique-but-classic gift will cost over $200 this year. And while ten lords-a-leaping would be amusing, the $5,500 credit-card bill would not be.
I am looking for something more priceless than pricey. Something more like this: “Twelve Days of Blessing for Your Marriage.” (Click HERE to read more.)
Do you know what is even better than being thankful?
Being thankful brings many benefits, including improved health and better relationships. But there is something even better than being thankful: giving thanks.
Many Americans will take a moment to be thankful this coming Thursday. Perhaps they will even list several things which they appreciate. But there will be fewer Americans who actually give thanks, who actually acknowledge and say, “thank You” to our Creator and Sustainer.
Gratitude creates joy, but an even greater joy comes when we move our eyes from our gifts to the Face of the Giver. Instead of merely liking our gifts, let us thank and adore the Giver of every good gift.
from Psalm 100 (The Message):
On your feet now—applaud God! Bring a gift of laughter, sing yourselves into his presence. …
Enter with the password: “Thank you!” Make yourselves at home, talking praise. Thank him. Worship him.
For God is sheer beauty, all-generous in love, loyal always and ever.
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I misspoke on last week’s prayer call. We will not have our usual “Fighting on Our Knees” this week on Thanksgiving Day. If you missed last week’s call, you can listen to the conversation and prayer with Vicki Rose HERE.
Could you use some encouragement in your marriage? Do you know someone else who could?
This Thursday, author Vicki Rose will be joining me on our weekly prayer call—and I am confident that God will use her to encourage everyone on the call.
Vicki is the author of Every Reason to Leave and Why We Chose to Stay Together. (Click HERE to learn more about Vicki’s book.) During this fifteen-minute call, I will be asking Vicki four questions:
When you had every reason to leave, what was your compelling reason to stay?
How do you encourage others who have grown weary or discouraged in fighting the spiritual battle for their homes?
What is the role of prayer in the fight for our marriages?
How important is it to fight for our marriages—especially when the marriages are difficult?
Vicki will then lead us as we “fight on our knees,” praying for our marriages.
I hope you will be able to join us—and be encouraged!
The prayer call with Vicki Rose will be this Thursday, November 20, at 12:30 (Eastern time). Here’s how to join us:
To join us online, simply visit www.MannaForMarriage.com and click on the link that says, “click HERE.”
To join us by phone, call 1-323-920-0091. When prompted, enter the access code 022 5211#. (You will be in listen-only mode.)
Vicki Rose had every earthly reason to leave her broken marriage.
But she discovered that she had an even greater reason to stay.
Vicki explains this in her new book, entitled,
Every Reason to Leave: And Why We Chose to Stay Together, published by Moody. Vicki shares not only the reason to stay that trumped all else, but she also shares the important steps to take that enable husbands and wives to stay and that allow marriages to mend.
Although the book is easy to read, it is packed with powerful truth. Vicki simply tells the story of her life, but because she has allowed God to be the Author, it is an incredible story of reconciliation and transformation, the kind that only God can perform. The restoration of the Roses’ marriage showcases the healing power of God. The changes that God sculpted in the lives of Vicki and her husband are so profound and dramatic that they offer strong hope to readers who are struggling with their own reasons to leave.
This book depicts for us, first, the emptiness and dark futility of lives and marriages existing apart from God. But then we witness the abundance and rich fulfillment that is found through a wholehearted pursuit of God.
Vicki’s central premise is that the key to joy in life and to success in marriage is to “seek first the kingdom of God.” This book is full of Scripture, which is the only unfailing source of the guidance, strength, and comfort that we need.
My heart resonates with Vicki’s when she says that she wants to encourage others to “seek God for restoration and victory,” whether they are married, separated, or even divorced. Vicki says to her readers, “I want to cheer you on to prevent the regret that comes from walking away from something God can heal.” Count me in on that cheering, too!
Cheering for you in your marriage, Tami
(The giveaway contest for this book has concluded. Thank you to everyone who participated.)
But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. (1 Peter 2:20-21, NIV)
This is the kind of life you’ve been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step.
He never did one thing wrong, Not once said anything amiss.They called him every name in the book and he said nothing back. He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right. He used his servant body to carry our sins to the Cross so we could be rid of sin, free to live the right way. His wounds became your healing. (1 Peter 2:21-25, MSG)
What is Peter’s point here? Peter is encouraging us that our suffering may be (and always should be) God-ordained. In fact, we are called to this very thing: we are called to suffer as Christ suffered.
Christ did not suffer as a hapless victim; He suffered as a willing Victor. His suffering was a very deliberate act: it was an offensive, calculated act of war. It was the very crushing of the head of evil.
When our suffering is God-ordained and God-sustained, we are not weak victims. We do not panic; we are not discouraged. We do not abandon or reject what God is doing. God-ordained suffering is the powerful defeating of evil!
Here in the book of Peter, in the middle of a discussion on persecution and suffering, God says that by His wounds, we are healed. We are spiritually, profoundly, healed by the wounds of Another.
So what’s the point? Here it is:
when we follow the example of Christ, suffering in God-ordained ways,
then others are healed by our wounds. By the wounds of Christ, we are healed;
and then by our wounds,
others are healed.
That is AMAZING.
Paul said, “Now I rejoice in what I am suffering for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church.”
(Colossians 1:24, NIV)
In our marriages, if we suffer as God directs, yielding to Him, then our suffering is bringing healing. Just being wounded is not the point! If our spouses are wounded, and then we are wounded—if that is all that is going on—then we just have more woundedness and a bigger mess than ever! If your suffering is making you bitter and full of self-pity, then the problem is only getting worse in your home.
What God is calling us to do is to identity with our spouses—that is what Christ did for us. He did not add wounds to the situation; He actually took on our wounds as His. God is calling us to recognize that our spouses’ spiritual enemy is our enemy; we are in this together. We are fighting right beside our spouses for our spouses.
Because we are in a blood-covenant with Christ, we have the blood of Christ flowing through our spiritual veins. We have His DNA—Divine Nature Activated—within us. So when we bleed in suffering, it is the blood of Christ that flows.
This is critical!
If the blood of my sin-nature flows, then what is coming from me is resentment and revenge and rejection and hatred. There is no healing in that.
But when you suffer in your marriage as God directs, then the blood of Christ flows out. The blood of Christ is LIFE—abundant life. There is healing in that! The blood of Christ is love—the willingness to give of one’s self to another. There is healing in that!
(This is a transcript of today’s prayer call. Join us online or by phone as we pray together every Thursday. Click HERE for more details.)
You are invited to join us as we “fight on our knees” every Thursday at 12:30 p.m. (Eastern time). Join us either by phone or online as we pray for marriages and families. The call lasts only 15 minutes.
To join us by phone, simply call 1-323-920-0091. When prompted, enter the access code 022 5211.
(Callers are in “listen-only” mode, so you need not worry about being put “on the air” or about having background noise around you.)
I would like to share with you a presentation called “Battle Strategies in Prayer: How to Fight on Your Knees.” In this slide-show, I discuss several aspects of effective prayer. These are spiritual principles that we can learn from Old Testament battle accounts.
May God bless you as you join Him in fighting for your marriages and families.
Looking for God’s direction concerning
your marriage? Here is some clear instruction from 1 Corinthians 7—along with some encouragement and challenge, too:
Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other….
[I]f you are married, stay married. This is the Master’s command…. If a wife should leave her husband, she must either remain single or else come back and make things right with him. And a husband has no right to get rid of his wife.
… If you are a man with a wife who is not a believer but who still wants to live with you, hold on to her. If you are a woman with a husband who is not a believer but he wants to live with you, hold on to him. The unbelieving husband shares to an extent in the holiness of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is likewise touched by the holiness of her husband. …
[I]f the unbelieving spouse walks out, [God calls us to handle this] as peacefully as we can. You never know, wife: The way you handle this might bring your husband not only back to you but to God. You never know, husband: The way you handle this might bring your wife not only back to you but to God.
And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.
Here is a book that I would recommend even if it were nothing more than its title: Grace Filled Marriage. But now that I have finished reading Grace Filled Marriage, I am glad to say that I can recommend not only the title but also the entire book!
If “grace” refers to all the gifts springing from goodness and love—gifts such as acceptance and forgiveness and kindness—then grace is exactly what every marriage needs. In this hope-filled, easy-to-read book, author Tim Kimmel explains what it means to fill a marriage with grace.
Here is a collection of quotes from the book:
[M]ost marriage don’t struggle from a lack of love; they struggle from a lack of grace. (3)
Love is the commitment of my will to your needs and best interests regardless of the cost. (65)
[We can be spouses who believe that] divine grace [is] bigger than human disgrace. (113)
The primary feature of a heart of grace is that it lives to trust God. (118)
When you and your spouse are talking your way through tough issues, the goal of the discussion should always be unity, never victory. … If you consistently win arguments with your mate, guess what you get to sleep with every night? A loser! (161)
… God is glorified when we fight for our marriage, pray like mad, and trust him to deal with our unrepentant spouse. (161)
He’s a bigger God than any mess you or your spouse could have made. (172)
[Problems are] opportunities to enjoy a front-row seat to [God’s] sustaining grace. (186)
Love that comes from God is unique: … it’s delivered in abundant quantities … and graciously (as though it’s an honor on the part of the giver). (217)
True greatness is a passionate love for Jesus Christ that shows itself in an unquenchable love and concern for others. (218)
Jesus passionately met our needs. He wants his love pouring through us to passionately meet our spouse’s needs. (221)
There’s a lot resting on your mariage. Big stuff. God’s kingdom stuff. Even though you record your marriage in years, there’s an eternal dimension to what your union represents to God’s grander redemptive story. There are a lot of people whose lives will be impacted by how you live out your love—even people in generations way on down the line from you. (234)
Your marriage is worth all the grace that you can pour into it. May God fill your life today with His generous, lavish grace.
The Kindle edition of Radiance: Secrets to Thriving in Marriagewill be FREE on Amazon from November 29 through December 3. Learn God’s amazing design of marriage, women, and men. Whether your marriage is great or struggling, God is able to make you thrive right where you are. This encouraging book will share with you the secrets of a healthy, radiant spirit.
If you have a Kindle and also AmazonPrime, you can borrow the ebook for free during November and December.
May your spirit feast bountifully on the goodness of God during this special week of giving thanks to Him, the Source of every good gift.
Did you know that the use of pornography increases marital infidelity by 300%?
Did you know that most divorces involve an addiction to pornography?*
Did you know that God is able to break any addiction and to heal any marriage?
Today I am sharing with you some online resources (with links attached) that are available for those struggling with addiction. Many of these offer help to those struggling with either sexual or chemical addictions and to their spouses:
Beggar’s Daughter(“Communicating God’s grace to … women trapped in sexual sin”)
Last week, I shared with you a husband’s prayer. Today I want to share with you a wife’s prayer, based on Scripture. May God honor your prayers as you honor Him.
I thank You, LORD, for my husband and for Your awesome design in creating him; thank You for shaping him for greatness, for strength, and for success. Thank You for using my husband to bless me, and thank You for giving me the privilege of serving You by serving him. Help me to serve him well.
By Your Spirit, I submit today to my husband’s needs. Give me insight into those needs; give me the desire and the ability to minister well to those needs. Help me to bring him good, not harm, every day of my life. I pray that he would be able to have full confidence in me and that he would lack nothing that I could provide for him.
Help me to respect my husband today in ways that are meaningful to him; show me how to encourage him, affirm him, and add strength to him. Help me to supply to him what he cannot supply to himself. Keep me in awe of who You made him to be.
Help me to support him in the responsibility that You have given him to be the “head” in this marriage. I recognize that he has an accountability before You that I do not have. Help me to respect and appreciate the weight that You have placed on his shoulders; help me to cooperate with him in Your plan.
Help me to be a wise woman who builds her house of marriage; please don’t let me tear it down with my own foolish hands. Show me how to use the “tool” of relationship skills that You have given me to create, not to destroy. Give me the wisdom to know how to build my husband up; give me the understanding I need to establish a strong friendship with him. Give me knowledge of my husband and of Your ways so that the “rooms” of our marriage will be filled with the “rare and beautiful treasures” of laughter, kindness, acceptance, and forgiveness.
Help me to keep a quiet spirit before my husband–a calm, peaceful spirit that trusts You. Keep me from controlling or manipulating, condemning or rejecting. Help me to specialize in reverence and purity. Make me beautiful by making me holy, no longer belonging to myself but delighting in belonging to You. Give me the wisdom and the strength to do what is right. Help me not to be afraid but to trust You.
Help me to keep a continual “welcome!” in my spirit, accepting my husband graciously for who he is. Help me to keep choosing to like him and to keep determining to enjoy him. Allow me to see through his eyes so that we will experience the oneness that You have given us; knit us together as You desire.
Thank You, LORD.
(Genesis 2:18; Proverbs 14:1; 24:3-4; 31:11-12; Ephesians 5:22-23; Philippians 2:13; 1 Peter 3:1-6; Titus 2:4)
Do you have “his” and “her” towels at your house? How about “his” and “her” prayers?
Today I want to share with you a husband’s prayer, based on Scripture. Next week, I will share a wife’s prayer. And as always, I am glad to hear your thoughts, too!
I thank You, LORD, for my wife and for Your captivating design in creating her; thank You for her beautiful gifts and strengths. Thank You for using my wife to bless me, and thank You for giving me the privilege of serving You by serving her. Help me to serve her well.
By Your Spirit, I submit today to my wife’s needs. Give me insight into those needs; give me the desire and the ability to minister well to those needs.
LORD, in yielding to Your plan for marriage, I acknowledge that You have given me the responsibility of being the “head” in this marriage: I am accountable to You for the well-being of my wife. As You protect and provide for me, enable me to protect and provide for her.
Help me to lay down my life for her today in every way that You direct. Help me to lay down selfish ambition and self-focus. Help me to lay down my independence so that she can be dependent upon me and so that I can be dependent upon You. I choose to die to belonging to myself so that I can belong to her.
Show me how to “wash her feet,” ministering to her in ways that will make her radiant. Teach me how to care for her as for myself, nurturing her spirit so that she thrives. Show me how to love her well–with gentleness and with affection. Give me eyes to see through her eyes so that we will experience the oneness that You have given us; knit us together as You desire.
Help me to cover her as a roof covers walls, willing to endure life’s harsh elements in order to shelter her; help me to cover her with tenderness and comfort as a blanket brings warmth on a cold night. Help me never to cover her with violence or even harshness–in action, word, or attitude. Instead, help me to be considerate as I live with my wife, esteeming her as a “equal partner in God’s gift of new life.” Keep me mindful that my disrespect to her hinders my prayers to You.
May I be a faithful priest in our home, willing to sacrifice for my wife’s sake and willing to stand before You on her behalf.
How are you praying for your marriage? Here is a prayer, based on Scripture, that will enable you to fight for your marriage using “the sword of the Spirit”:
LORD, I lift this marriage to You. In the spiritual realm, I want to surround this marriage with prayer and praise, just as the Israelites surrounded Jericho. “Marching” around this marriage, I honor Your Name as holy. I acknowledge You as Sovereign Lord, and I declare that this marriage belongs to You and that I belong to You.
Lord, fight for us! By Your own right arm, intervene. Tear down every satanic stronghold in our spirits.¹ Bring it down to the dust—shattered, never to rise again.Tear down every stronghold built upon rebellion against You and built upon the lies of lust, greed, and pride.
In the Name of Jesus, I ask that “the strong man,” the enemy of this marriage, be bound.² Bind up his lies; bind up his accusations and condemnations. In the Name of Jesus, I pray that the captives be set free.
I ask that every wicked scheme of the evil one be thwarted. I ask You to throw the forces of darkness into disarray; rout the enemy through division and confusion so that the enemy is utterly defeated. I pray that no weapon forged against us will prevail.³
Expose what the enemy is causing to fester in the dark, and reveal Yourself as the Healer and the Victor. Make us aware of enemy tactics, and reveal to us the lies that we are believing. By Your Spirit, flood our spirits with powerful truth, overwhelming and displacing every deception. Scatter the darkness with a mighty unleashing of liberating and healing Light.
Keep us from thinking that we are each other’s enemies; cause us to know that Satan is the enemy. Deliver us from the decaying disease of self-centeredness, and free us to feast on Your glory. Deliver us from thinking that this covenant of marriage demands too much and takes too much from us; free us to know that giving to one another is what heals and enriches us. Break the chains that tell us we must protect ourselves and provide for ourselves; free us to know that You “withhold no good thing from those who do what is right” (Psalm 84:11, NLT). Set us free as we believe that You are trustworthy, that You are the unfailing Need-meeter, that You redeem our pain with glory, and that all our joy is found in You.
O LORD, You are my God. I will exalt You and praise Your Name, for in perfect faithfulness You have done and will do marvelous things, things planned long ago. I trust in You, and You save us. (adapted from Isaiah 25:1, NIV)
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¹ Specifically name any strongholds that God has revealed to you, such as anger, an addiction, a critical spirit, bitterness, or fear.
² Matthew 12:29
³ Isaiah 54:17
• Other Scriptures used are Isaiah 59:16, Isaiah 25:12, 1 John 2:16, Isaiah 61:1, Isaiah 54:17, 2 Corinthians 2:11, and Ephesians 6:12.
Have you prayed for your spouse today? Psalm 1 provides a helpful guide as you pray for your husband or wife, or for someone else you know.
A prayer for your husband: LORD, I pray that my husband will be blessed today–happy and spiritually healthy in You. I pray that he will not walk in the counsel of the wicked, listening to the lies of the enemy, but that he will walk in wisdom and in the counsel of the Spirit . I pray that he will not stand in the way of sinners, but that he will stand in the way of saints, as a soldier of Christ with his feet planted firmly in truth. I pray that he will not sit in the seat of mockers, doubting Your goodness or scorning Your instructions, but that he will sit in reverence at the feet of Christ all day long, listening to You.
I pray that my husband will delight in Your law today, rejoicing that Your ways are good and Your instructions are trustworthy. I pray that he will meditate on Your law day and night, continually pondering Scripture, continually yielding to the shaping of Scripture, and continually looking to the Scriptures for guidance and comfort.
Make my husband to be like a tree that is planted by streams of water: cause him to be firmly grounded in Your love, and help him continuously to drink in the Holy Spirit. I pray that he will yield fruit in season as the Spirit produces godly character and holy living. I pray that his leaf will not wither: keep him from compromising his obedience to You in any way, and do not let him “wilt” from discouragement or despair.
I pray that whatever he does will prosper; make him incredibly successful in Your callings upon his life. Prosper him as a husband, as a father, and as a member of his church; prosper him in the work that You have for him. May Your excellent purposes for his life be fulfilled, and may he succeed mightily as a great man of God.
A prayer for your wife: LORD, I pray that my wife will be blessed today–happy and spiritually healthy in You. I pray that she will not walk in the counsel of the wicked, listening to the lies of the enemy, but that she will walk in wisdom and in the counsel of the Spirit. I pray that she will not stand in the way of sinners, but that she will stand in the way of saints, as a soldier of Christ with her feet planted firmly in truth. I pray that she will not sit in the seat of mockers, doubting Your goodness or scorning Your instructions, but that she will sit in reverence at the feet of Christ all day long, listening to You.
I pray that my wife will delight in Your law today, rejoicing that Your ways are good and Your instructions are trustworthy. I pray that she will meditate on Your law day and night, continually pondering Scripture, continually yielding to the shaping of Scripture, and continually looking to the Scriptures for guidance and comfort.
Make my wife to be like a tree that is planted by streams of water: cause her to be firmly grounded in Your love, and help her continuously to drink in the Holy Spirit. I pray that she will yield fruit in season as the Spirit produces godly character and holy living. I pray that her leaf will not wither: keep her from compromising her obedience to You in any way, and do not let her “wilt” from discouragement or despair.
I pray that whatever she does will prosper; make her incredibly successful in Your callings upon her life. Prosper her as a wife, as a mother, as a member of her church; prosper her in the work that You have for her. May Your excellent purposes for her life be fulfilled, and may she succeed mightily as a great woman of God.
“LORD, I lift this marriage to You. I ask You to put Your hedge of protection around this marriage and to thwart every enemy scheme against it.
‘Catch for us the little foxes’ that would eat away at this relationship–the little foxes of busyness and the little foxes of unresolved hurt feelings (Song of Songs 2:15). Help us to see beyond the surface issues of the physical realm; help us to see the deeper realities of the spiritual realm all around us.
Please give us new insight into one another; give us new understanding of one another’s needs and struggles. Help us to have hearts that always move toward one another and that are always for one another. Give us the strength to do that even when our feelings are pushing us to turn away from one another or to turn against one another.”
Over the next few weeks, I would like to share with you a series of prayers for marriages. You may want to use these prayers for your own marriage, or you may want to use them as you pray for others.
I invite you, too, to share some of the ways in which you are praying for marriages.
We tend to think that we love someone when that person attracts us. When we no longer feel attraction, we feel that we no longer have love. We see others as magnetic-like forces with the power to attract or repel us.
But are we really helpless magnets compelled to move toward attracting forces? Could it be that love is more than attraction?
God says that love is choosing to walk toward someone. Maybe attraction is not the decisive force; maybe we are.
With God’s help, we can calibrate the compass of our heart so that we move toward our choices. Godly love is a force within us which moves us toward someone whom we have chosen; it is not an external attraction that works upon us.
If we are married, we can set our compass so that the arrow of our heart points toward our covenant partner; we can determine to walk steadily in that direction, regardless of the pulling or pushing of other forces.
You have probably heard of the five love languages, but are you familiar with the five languages of apology?[1] Here’s the basic idea: there are five components to a full apology. Many people find that one of those components is especially important to them. An apology with just that one key element is a satisfactory apology to them; but if that one key element is missing, then the apology feels incomplete to them.
Here are the five components of an apology:
1) Expressing Regret: “I am sorry.”
2) Accepting Responsibility: “I was wrong.”
3) Making Restitution: “How can I make this up to you?”
4) Genuinely Repenting: “I will try never to do that again.”
5) Requesting Forgiveness: “Will you please forgive me?”
Once you have determined your spouse’s language of apology, you will be able to apologize in ways that are meaningful to him or her. If you fail to include that one key element, however, your apology will seem insincere or weak to your spouse.
Understanding that we have different languages of apology allows us to receive more graciously the apologies of others because we recognize that others may be sincere even when their style is different from our own.
“You cannot repent too soon, because you do not know how soon it may be too late.” Thomas Fuller
“An apology is the super glue of life. It can repair just about anything.” Lynn Johnston
“Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.” Corrie ten Boom
“Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.” Jesus, Matthew 5:7, NIV
[1] See The Five Languages of Apology by Jennifer Thomas and Gary Chapman.
We can call bitter “sweet,” if we want. That’s nothing new. (See Isaiah 5:20.) But this semantic violence fails to produce anything more than confused thinking: changing labels does not change essence.
If we call homosexual union “a marriage,” then we need another word for this: God’s design for one man and one woman to reflect the harmonized diversity within God’s one essence and to suggest the creative power of that unity.
The Biblical definition of marriage is much more than a legally recognized relationship of emotional and sexual attachment. Marriage was designed to reveal the very nature of God.
God’s image is uniquely reflected in the union of male and female because the fullness of the Godhead encompases both masculinity and femininity. It is ironic that the homosexual community promotes the word “diversity” because a core problem with homosexual union is its lack of that very thing. The beauty of both musical and marital harmony lies in the rich complementing of differing notes or genders, not identical ones.
Why did God create Eve from the side of Adam? There was purpose in that: since Eve came from Adam, their union was able to represent oneness instead of “twoness.”
(silently is fine)
