Manna for Marriage

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  • A Christmas Prayer for our Marriages

    Thank You, LORD, for the awesome message of Christmas:

    You stoop down to make us great. (Psalm 18:35, NIV)

    What a startling statement! And, yet, that is precisely what You did through the stunning miracle of the Incarnation.

    You stooped down beneath the stars, beneath the trees, beneath a low stable door, entering our world to enter our lives.

    You stooped to wash our feet.

    You stooped to lay Yourself down upon a cross so that we could rise up into the greatness of knowing You face to face.

    Lord, would You help us to flesh out that same Love in our marriages? Please birth in us the willingness to stoop to make our spouses great. Show us how to humble ourselves, laying aside our “garment” of prideful self-centeredness and picking up the “towel” of joyful service.

    To do that, we need insight to know one another’s true needs; we need discernment to know how to minister well. We relinquish our foolishness and weakness so that we can be filled with Your wisdom and power.

    Thank You for the examples of Joseph and Mary in the first Christmas story.

    … God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”

    Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High.

     “How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”

    The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. … For no word from God will ever fail.”

    “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her. (from Luke 1:26-38, NIV)

    LORD, we pray that You would enable wives to follow the example of Mary. Help them not to be afraid but to know that, if they belong to You, they are highly favored by You, and You are with them. Help them to say each day, “LORD, I am Your servant. In this marriage, I am Your servant.”

    When Your plan seems confusing, even impossible, help them to trust Your goodness. As You have promised, LORD, bless each wife with deep happiness as she believes that You are a faithful Promise-Keeper (Luke 1:45). Give these women rejoicing spirits, overflowing with praise (Luke 1:46-47).

    The birth of Jesus Christ came about this way: After His mother Mary had been engaged to Joseph, it was discovered before they came together that she was pregnant by the Holy Spirit. So her husband Joseph, being a righteous man, and not wanting to disgrace her publicly, decided to break the engagement quietly.

    But after he had considered these things, an angel of the Lord suddenly appeared to him in a dream, saying, “Joseph, son of David, don’t be afraid to take Mary as your wife, because what has been conceived in her is by the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to name Him Jesus, because He will save His people from their sins.”

    When Joseph got up from sleeping, he did as the Lord’s angel had commanded him. He married her but did not know her intimately until she gave birth to a son. And he named Him Jesus. (from Matthew 1:18-25, HCSB and NLT)

    LORD, we pray that husbands would follow the lead of Joseph. May these chosen men be “the body armor of God’s righteousness” for their marriages (Ephesians 6:14, NLT). When they feel betrayed or offended, may they not react out of their own understanding, but may they listen to Your voice just as Joseph listened to Gabriel. Enable them to trust You as You speak to them through the Scriptures.

    We pray that men would excel in caring for their wives, even when husbands feel that their own desires are not being met. Like Joseph, may they protect their families, both spiritually and physically. May they be sensitive to the leading of the Spirit, and quick to respond when they hear Your instructions.

    Help us, like both Joseph and Mary, to be listening for Your voice. Help us to yield up our own ambitions quickly and to press fully into Your will, confident that You are a trustworthy God. Your love for us is unfailing and fervent. Your wisdom is complete. Your power is unlimited.

    LORD, we pray that You would protect our marriages from all evil, just as You miraculously protected Mary and Joseph. Direct our paths, and help us to trust You, even in unfamiliar “Egypt” places.

    So [the shepherds] hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them….The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told. (from Luke 1:16-20, NIV)

    Shepherds came to see what You were doing in the lives of Mary and Joseph, and they left amazed, unable to contain their wonder at Your marvelous work. LORD, would you do that in our marriages? Would You help us to hold You in our marriages so that others behold You? Would You please work in our homes so that others see something so fantastic that they are awestruck in Your Presence and full of praise for You?

    Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. (Luke 2:19, NIV)

    LORD, make us aware of the things that You are doing in our marriages. And make us aware of all the things within our spouses that we should be treasuring. By Your Spirit, cause us to marvel and give thanks.

    Thank You, God-with-us, for stooping to make us great. Thank You for helping us this Christmas to do the same for our spouses.

    As we kneel to serve our spouses, we will be bowing before You to lift high Your Very Great Name.

  • Reformation Day

    Reformation Day

    Reformation Day
    October 31
  • Christmas

    Christmas

    Christmas Prayers for Husbands and Wives

    A Christmas Prayer for Our Marriages

    12 Days of Blessings for Your Marriage

  • Everyday Vows for Lifelong Marriages

    Everyday Vows for Lifelong Marriages

    Perhaps you wore a gorgeous gown or a dashing tux when you stood before God and spoke your vows. You chose someone—out of all the people on the face of the earth—to be “the one” for you. You made noble promises on a glorious day.

    And then you began the daily business of marriage. You packed the gown or returned the tux, and you filed away the vows with special-day memories.

    But you probably want the same thing that I want: day-by-day efforts that grow into a decade-by-decade success. If we want our daily decisions to create lifetime legacies, then this is what we must do: every day, we must choose our spouses again. Every day—maybe even every hour—we must choose again.

    Every day, we choose to be committed to our covenant partners. Every day, we choose to make them our top priorities. Every day, we choose our spouses—out of all the people on the face of the earth—to be “the one” for us.

    Every day, we can make five “I will not” commitments to our spouses:

    [X]  I will not use sarcasm.
    [X]  I will not consider divorce as an option.
    [X]  I will not tolerate self-pity (in myself).
    [X]  I will not reject you.
    [X]  I will not abandon you.

    Those are marriage-saving vows.

    And every day, we can make five “I always will” commitments to our spouses:

    [√]    I will always be for you, not against you.
    [√]    I will always value you.
    [√]    I will always look past your faults to see your needs.
    [√]    I will always serve you.
    [√]    I will always honor you.

    Those are life-giving vows.

    These ten daily commitments build immense strength into our marriages. They provide security, and they promote success.

    It is our everyday commitments that turn our altar vows into fleshed-out realities. They turn wedding-day hopes into lifetime marriages of promises kept.

  • The Double-Layered Foundation that Every Marriage Needs

    The Double-Layered Foundation that Every Marriage Needs

    What did you pack for your honeymoon? A bathing suit and flip-flops? A few warm sweaters?

    Whether you went to Mexico or to the Poconos, surely you remembered to take this with you: your list of expectations.

    No one goes into marriage without that!

    Some lists are longer than others, and some are more colorful; but each list is a variation on this theme:

    I expect my spouse to meet my needs.

    Once the wedding is over, we take that list of expectations and try to build a marriage on it. But, as it turns out, that list creates a lousy foundation for a marriage. The first big storm can tear it into heartbreaking strips.  Even ordinary breezes can eventually shred those expectations into disappointing little scraps. As a foundation, our list of expectations fails to offer any kind of strength or stability.

    But the Scriptures tell us about another, very different foundation, one that is solid and unshakeable. This foundation has both a primary and a secondary layer of strength.

    1. The primary layer is complete reliance upon Christ.

    It is Christ who is our Need-Meeter. He is not only the creator but also the sustainer of our lives. He is our provider and our protector.

    God may or may not choose to use our spouses to meet a need in our lives. It does not matter how God chooses to meet our needs. He will meet our needs. He is our Source.

    Regardless of the actions of others, we are completely secure in the care of God; we are completely unthreatened. Our well-being is not vulnerable to the actions of others because we are completely sheltered in the protection and provision of God.

    This is the mindset which gives us strength, frees us from fear, and releases us from the need to control. Our underlying, Rock-solid foundation is this: we rely upon Jesus as our Need-Meeter.

    In fact, here is an amazing thing:

    God says that He will be our Covenant Partner. (See Isaiah 54:5 and Hosea 2:16, 19, NLT.)

    God is willing to enter into a covenant with each of us personally in which He promises to be the One who provides for us, who protects us, and who meets our every need.

    • God will be unshakeable in His loyalty to us;
    • He will be steadfast in His faithfulness to us;
    • He will be fully trustworthy in His commitment to us; and
    • He will be unfailing in His love toward us.

    This means that we don’t have to panic when a spouse fails us. We do not need to retaliate or manipulate. When a spouse disappoints us, we don’t have to feel desperate.  If a spouse misunderstands or dismisses our needs, we don’t have to feel vulnerable. There is no need to run, withdraw, or scheme.

    God will not fail us. He very well may meet our needs through our spouses, but He is not limited to that. God can meet our needs in any way He desires as we remain yielded to Him. The LORD is our Shepherd; we have everything we need!

    2. The second layer of this foundation is a commitment to serve our spouses.

    We usually think that our marriages are where we go to get our needs met; we think that marriage is where we are nurtured and renewed. Perhaps we believe that our spouses should be our soulmates—able to understand our hearts, able to comfort our hurts, and able to fill up all the holes in our souls.

    Sometimes there is even a Christian version of this:

    My spouse should minister to me so that I can go out and minister to other people. If my spouse will be good to me, then I can go out and do a lot of good for the world.

    But here is the truth: our marriages are our places of ministry. In fact, our marriages are our priority places of ministry.

    When someone is considering marriage, these are not the questions to be asking: “Is this person my soulmate? Will this person meet my needs? Does this person make me happy?”

    A better question to ask is this:

    Is God calling me to serve this person as his or her spouse?”

    This calling to our spouses will become a solid foundation on all those days when they do not feel like soulmates or do not meet our needs or do not make us happy.  It does not matter. We are there to serve, and that commitment does not change.

    We have been assigned by God to minister to our spouses. Their reactions and their behavior do not change our assignment at all. Their actions may alter the way we best minister to them, but the goal of ministry is a constant.

    This second layer of foundation can be poured only after the first one has been built into our lives. Once we know that God is meeting our needs, then we are free to serve our spouses. Without this foundational security, people can give to someone else, but they must then receive back. Most of our natural giving is actually only bartering.

    But when we know that our needs have already been provided for, then we can truly serve another person. Even if we have greater neediness in our own lives than our spouses do, we can still commit to a marriage of ministry because we are confident that Christ takes care of all of our needs.

    Without the first layer of foundation, the second one is merely good intentions without the strength to fulfill them. It is because God meets our needs that we are able to serve others.

    We can trade in that list of expectations for a double-layered foundation able to withstand any challenge. On that foundation, we are able to build marriages of strength, beauty, and success.

  • 10 Simple-but-Powerful Ways to Build Your Marriage

    10 Simple-but-Powerful Ways to Build Your Marriage

    These are not the foundational principles of marriage.

    These tips are one-sentence nuggets of practical advice. They are easy to understand, sometimes difficult to implement, but absolutely transformative.

    1. No sarcasm.

    “Yeah, right!”

    No, really.

    Sarcasm is a nasty attitude dressed up in decent words. After we take the first step of sarcasm, it is only another step to fully exposed nasty attitudes, revealed now through ugly words. But if we are vigilant in never taking the first step of sarcasm, we will prevent a multitude of hurt feelings and painful regrets.

    Both my husband and I entered marriage with the sharply honed tongues of firstborns, quick on the verbal draw. Thankfully, we adopted the “no sarcasm” rule as newlyweds. Since then, every one of our 27 years of marriage has been blessed by the effective muzzle that this policy has kept on our tongues.

    Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless – that’s your job, to bless. You’ll be a blessing and also get a blessing.” (1 Peter 3:8-9, MSG)

    2. Use your best manners.

    Are you more polite with your boss, with your pastor, or even with strangers than you are with your spouse?

    Raise the level of courtesy in your marriage, and you will raise the level of friendship and enjoyment.

    People sometimes get the twisted notion that love means spewing your unfiltered thoughts and unguarded words. Marriage is not a relationship license for sloppiness. Marriage is a relationship responsibility for attentiveness. You can “let down your hair” without “letting it all hang out.”

    Relax? Yes. Be genuine? Of course. Be rude? Never!

    At the core of good manners is respect. When you saturate your marriage with respectful behavior, you suffocate many irritations and hurts.

    If you will use your “fine china” manners with your spouse, you will then enjoy the gourmet delights of honor and esteem.

    Love is not “rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5, ESV).

    3. Become fluent in the love language of your spouse.

    Your spouse has one particular “language” in which he or she best communicates love. The five languages are acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and physical touch.

    If your husband’s language is acts of service, you can give him a hundred handwritten cards with profound declarations of love, but he will not feel loved until you help him in the yard or run an errand for him. If your wife’s language is quality time, you can wash her car and take out the trash every week, but she will not feel loved until you sit across from her, linger over a cup of coffee, and look into her eyes.

    Chances are good that your spouse’s primary language is not your language. It is important not only to speak your spouse’s love language, but also to listen in that language. Translate for yourself so that you can receive your spouse’s expressions of love to you.

    It takes just one of you becoming bilingual to communicate love effectively–but it does take one.

    Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages is one of the most helpful books on marriage that you can read. If you aren’t familiar with the love languages, learning about them will benefit your marriage dramatically.

    4. Do not assume your spouse’s motivation.

    We may think that we know exactly why someone did what he or she did, but God warns us not to go there! Only God knows the heart.

    When you think he left the toilet seat up (again!) just to annoy you, or when you think she is late (again!) just to spite you, reject that condemning thought, and choose to believe the best. If you need to deal with a behavior, then do that, but don’t drag motivation into it. Your interactions will be more pleasant and more productive.

    Assuming wrong motives quickly becomes a bad and dangerous habit, costing you the energy and misery of inner stewing.  However, if you will develop the habit of assuming your spouse’s best intentions, you will be incredibly blessed: you will think more clearly, and you will enjoy your spouse more.

    Give it a try for thirty days. You won’t go back.

    5. Fast and pray on a regular basis for your marriage.

    Many years ago, I heard Shirley Dobson say that she prayed and fasted for her marriage. Her comments resonated with me because I thought that if our spiritual enemy would like to destroy any one marriage, it might be the marriage of Dr. James and Shirley Dobson, well-known for their efforts to support Biblical marriage. I suspected that Shirley’s behind-the-scenes prayer and fasting was a critical strength in the Dobson marriage, so I determined to bring that same practice into my own marriage. (The Dobsons have been married now for almost 55 years, and I am not aware of even a hint of scandal in their marriage.)

    The idea is not to twist God’s arm or to try to impress Him.  The goal is to line up your heart with God’s heart. Through that unity, immense power is unleashed.

    Fasting sharpens our focus on prayer. Not everyone is able to fast from food, but all of us can eliminate something from our diet or from our routines, inviting God to grab our spiritual attention in a more intense way.

    How do you fast? Here is the focus that helps me: I say to myself and to God that I need Him more than I need food. Over and over, I say that my marriage needs God more than I need food.

    As I acknowledge my great need and desire for God, I create a spiritual openness which God then fills with Himself—like a hunger being filled with food. Awesomely, He responds with His guidance, His power, and His presence.

    6. Avoid correcting your spouse.

    Do not correct your spouse in public, unless it is truly important. Does it really matter to others whether your vacation was last September or last October? People will probably not remember the specifics of your spouse’s story, but they will remember the fact that you continually corrected or even embarrassed your spouse.

    Even in private, be slow to correct unless you know that your spouse would appreciate it. Many times, the details are not important, but your relationship always is.

    My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be … slow to speak …” (James 1:19, NIV).

    7. Pray together as a couple.

    If you knew that there was one thing that lowers the divorce rate to 1 in 5, would you be interested? How about 1 in 10? What about 1 in 100? Would you believe 1 in 1,000?

    Dr. Greg Smalley references a 1997 Gallup poll showing that the divorce rate for couples who pray together plummets to less than 1 in 1,000. Wow! I don’t know about you, but praying with my husband sounds like a practice that I want to build into my marriage! (1)

    It can be intimidating to pray with your spouse. If that is your situation, start with small steps. For example, simply hold hands with your partner, and pray silently for a minute. Your prayers together can grow gradually from there. Stick with it, and you will be amazed at the rich benefits you will gain as you pray with your spouse each day.

    8. Speak the “gender language” of your spouse.

    In Ephesians 5:33, God has these instructions for us: Each husband “must love his wife as he loves himself, and [each] wife must respect her husband” (NIV).

    If you are a man, go overboard in being affectionate with your wife. Keep this posted in your brain: “Give love–unconditional love.”

    And if you are a woman, go all-out in expressing respect to your husband. Keep this posted in your brain, “Give respect–unconditional respect.”

    A fantastic book on this topic is Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs.

    9. Know the password to your spouse’s heart.

    The secret code to a woman’s heart is “security.” If a man can continually express to his wife that she is unshakeable as “number one” in his heart, he will be meeting one of her most critical needs.

    The secret code to a man’s heart is “success.” If a woman can continually express to her husband that she sees greatness in him, she will be meeting one of his most critical needs.

    These principles are developed by Bill and Pam Farrel in their book The Marriage Code: Discovering Your Own Secret Language of Love.

    10. Make and accept bids.

    Dr. John Gottman is known around the world for his forty years of extensive research on marriage and relationships. Twenty-five years ago, he began watching and recording the daily interactions and conversations of hundreds of couples.

    He expected to see successful couples involved in countless small examples of self-disclosure and personal sharing.” What he discovered, though, was not what he expected.[ii]

    Successful couples spent most of their time talking about ordinary things that seemed to make no difference to anyone, such as ‘breakfast cereals, mortgage rates or the baseball game.’ They rarely talked about their deep, inner feelings.”[iii]

    Here is what was important: successful couples made “bids” and responded to them.

    “Bids” are any type of invitation to connect, such as a comment or a touch or even just a look. After one person makes a bid, the spouse then accepts the bid by some type of positive response. Again, it can be a simple comment, gesture, or even facial expression.

    Successful couples make countless bids back and forth; each accepting the other’s bid. Their bids often look remarkably inconsequential. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that the bid is made and accepted.”[iv]

    For example, perhaps your spouse remarks one morning that there is a beautiful red bird sitting on the back fence. If you take the time to look at the bird yourself, you are accepting the bid, and building your marriage. However, if you ignore the comment about the bird, or respond harshly, you are refusing the bid and damaging the marriage.

    Day after day, as a couple creates many of these bids, offering and accepting, they are knitting together a very strong relationship. Each interaction may be small, but they are powerful when woven together. Likewise, a series of refused bids, however small, becomes a very destructive force in the marriage.

    Responding to bids is so significant in a relationship that Dr. Gottman learned that he could predict with high accuracy the success or failure of a relationship by this factor alone.

    Just as a bird builds its nest, bit by bit, so you can build your marriage, bid by bid.

    (1) http://www.smalleymarriage.com/resources/qa.php?catID=28&resID=14
    [ii] http://www.news-sentinel.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20140604/LIVING/306049975/1008
    [iii] Ibid.
    [iv] Ibid.

  • An Open Letter to a Hurting Husband

    An Open Letter to a Hurting Husband

    I know that you are hurting in your marriage. And I realize that it might seem easier to just walk away.

    But you haven’t.

    I commend you for that because God doesn’t walk away from His covenant partner, either.

    Take hope!

    Although there has been pain in your marriage, you can have immense hope in the unfailing goodness of God. As you seek to honor God in your marriage, you can be confident that God will enable you to do that. The Scriptures give this encouragement to you:

    Do not be discouraged, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God fights for you.¹

    God’s heart is for you. He is for healing. God has obligated Himself to act on behalf of those who are in covenant with Him.

    Author and pastor Dave Harvey says,

    God is completely, totally, enthusiastically supportive of your every effort to build a strong, God-glorifying marriage.

    You can succeed.

    You are able to succeed powerfully as a husband. God has created your spirit for strength and for greatness. Regardless of your wife’s actions, you can excel as a husband through your commitment and devotion to her.

    This success as a husband is rooted in your commitment to God. It is not based on your wife’s reaction or behavior.

    Marriage is not something you wrestle out with your wife. Instead, marriage is something you wrestle out with God, just as Jacob did at the Jabbok River. Wrestle until you are able to submit to the blessing.

    You succeed as a husband as you remember your pledge before God in the presence of witnesses to love this woman and to be faithful to her “till death do you part.” Remember that you made a sacred vow; and by the enabling of the Spirit of God Himself, stand with strength to fulfill that pledge.

    You commit to fulfill your solemn oath with honor and with integrity, regardless of the cost, because mighty men of God choose to act as God Himself acts. As bearers of His image, godly men uphold covenant promises as God does: with steadfast faithfulness, unintimidated by the threat of loss and undeterred by the pain of sacrifice.

    You succeed as a man of strength and greatness when you say to your wife:

    I am completely committed to you.

    I devote myself to you and to you alone. There are no “back-up” plans.

    Even if you reject me, I will continue to be committed to your good as long as there is breath in me. To whatever extent that you will permit me, and as is appropriate, I will strive to bless you and to serve you.

    I will lay down my life in order to minister to you. I will lay down my self-interests and self-focus.

    None of this is contingent upon anything you do. This is my unconditional pledge to you, offered in obedience to God.

    Even if you should want me out of your life, I will continue to commit to you alone and will serve you by my fervent prayers.

    You are able to do this as you recognize that the great need of your life is for God Himself. Know that He has promised personally to be your great Reward. Like the apostle Paul, resolve to make knowing Christ the determined purpose of your life.²

    You can be satisfied.

    God desires to satisfy every longing of your heart, and He is able to satisfy you fully. He does not satisfy those who are looking elsewhere for satisfaction, but He does satisfy abundantly those who are passionate and hungry and desperate for Him. For those who commit themselves to belonging to Him exclusively, He satisfies supremely.

    With Christ as your sustainer and as the satisfier of your life, you are able to stand with strength as a man and with success as a husband.

    In the beginning, the earth was formless, empty, and dark. By the work of the Spirit, God created new life—things of beauty and things of excellence. Your marriage may seem shattered, empty, and dark right now. As you yield to the Spirit of God, invite Him to hover over your life and marriage, creating and restoring all that is “very good.”

    Even if your wife should reject this miracle of renewal in your relationship, it can be a wonderful reality in your own spirit and life.

    In general, when a husband creates a solid foundation of relational security for his wife, she will meet him there and will work with him to build the relationship upon that foundation of commitment. It is that commitment to one another’s good and to the relationship itself that gives strength to a marriage.

    Many past hurts and frustrations are resolved
    not by rehearsing the hurts or by reviewing the resentments
    but by renewing a firm commitment to the relationship.

    “Love covers over a multitude of sins,” and it is a man’s “glory to overlook an offense.”³ Resolve that nothing will thwart your commitment to your relationship with your bride.

    You can gain honor.

    Your wife may reject your offer of relationship and may limit your expressions of service to her, but absolutely no one can deter your commitment to her. It is that commitment which glorifies you and which God honors. As the husband, you bear on your shoulders accountability for the relationship. The wife is responsible for her own choices, but you are uniquely accountable for the relationship. When you provide a solid foundation of commitment, you are encouraging and enabling your wife to commit on her part and to join in successful marriage-building. But if the man’s offer of commitment is conditional, then the woman perceives this as thin ice rather than as firm footing which she can trust.

    The husband has the God-given ability to meet the woman’s core need for relational security. The wife looks to the man to provide this first. It is his glory to do so, and it is his greatest success to continue to do so.

    —————————————————————-

    ¹ Deuteronomy 31:6, 8; Isaiah 41:10; Joshua 1:9, 23:10
    ² Genesis 15:1: Philippians 3:8
    ³ 1 Peter 4:8; Proverbs 19:11

  • Hope for a Hurting Husband

    Hope for a Hurting Husband

    “Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities. Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls and a restorer of homes.” (Amos 9:11, NLT)

    I know that you are asking God to fulfill these words in your marriage, and I earnestly join you in that prayer, believing that God’s heart is strong for healing and reconciliation. But I also know that at this moment, you sense only cold silence and closed doors. 

    I want to encourage you that you are not alone in your pain, God is not discouraged, and His plan for your life is not in tatters. 

    “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” (2 Corinthians 4:8-9, NIV)

    God is not limited by your emotions. You can feel low and yet have strong faith. As you set your will to follow God, He works powerfully through your yielded spirit. 

    “Therefore, since we do hold and engage in this ministry by the mercy of God …, we do not get discouraged (spiritless and despondent with fear) or become faint with weariness and exhaustion.” (1 Corinthians 4:1, AMPC)

    I pray that the following five truths will strengthen you today.

    1. God’s mighty purposes for your life and your marriage are not thwarted. 

    “I know that You can do anything and no plan of Yours can be thwarted.”
    (Job 42:2, HCSB)

    God is still using your marriage to draw you closer to Him. The Spirit is still using you to show those around you what God looks like. You have the opportunity to reveal God as a forgiving God, full of generous grace, unfailing commitment, and unconditional love. In fact, it is when our marriages are difficult that we are most able to demonstrate these awesome attributes of God.

    And when our marriages are difficult, we are often able to see our own hearts better. When a spouse is warm and supportive, we may believe that we are more loving than we really are. “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours” is usually a  pleasant transaction, not a self-denying sacrifice. But when we serve a spouse without receiving appreciation or even acknowledgment, then our inner responses reveal our true motivation. 

    As others have pointed out, when we are treated like servants, we quickly learn whether we have servant’s hearts or not! When we are not receiving positive feedback, we have the privilege to serve purely for the sake of love.

    2. Your calling to cherish and to care for your covenant partner has not changed.

    How you carry out that task has changed, but you can still love her well.

    Always, you can provide a covering of earnest prayer for your wife. Praying faithfully is one of the most significant and most powerful things you will ever do. The greatest accomplishment of your life may be your perseverance in prayer for your wife and children, sharing God’s burdened heart for them.

    “Your prayers are God’s way of accomplishing the victory of Jesus Christ over this world.” (John Piper, desiringgod.com)

    You can always fight on your knees!

    “Don’t be afraid of the enemy! Remember the Lord, who is great and glorious, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes!” (Nehemiah 4:14, NLT)

    3. God allows you to wrestle honestly with Him. 

    Many times, we understand that our spouses’ resistance toward our marriages may actually be resistance to God. But it can be much harder to recognize our own inner struggles as wrestling matches with God.

    As we churn with turmoil and darkness in our spirits, we usually focus on our spouses and the conflict between us. But we may need to recognize that we are actually struggling with God. 

    Deep down, we may feel that He should not have allowed this pain in our lives or that He is not being a good God to us. We may believe that He has failed us or is negligent in keeping His promises. We may wonder if he is a God worth following even through intense suffering. Is He truly sufficient to satisfy the longings of our hearts?

    Simply recognizing that we are struggling with God can be very helpful because then we can verbalize our troubling thoughts and begin to deal effectively with these core issues.

    In the Old Testament, we learn that the patriarch Jacob wrestled with God at the Jabbok River (Genesis 32:22-31). In my life, I wrestled with God in fear and confusion, but eventually, I learned that God wanted only to bless me.

    4. This is your opportunity to come against the enemy like never before. 

    It is good to worship God in the light, but it is powerful to worship Him in the darkness. Prison bars are broken and chains are snapped when God’s people worship in the darkness of their pain.

    Long before Jacob wrestled with God, he encountered God on another difficult night. Jacob was running for his life when he stopped to sleep on the hard ground, using an even harder stone as his pillow. In the middle of the night, God met Jacob in the middle of his crisis, and there God gave Jacob strong promises. The next day, Jacob took the stone, set it up, and poured oil over it, turning it into an altar of worship before the Lord. 

    You, too, can meet with God in the dark and hard places of your life. You can take the stone of suffering in your life and set it up as an altar to God. As you surrender to the goodness of God, an outpouring of the Spirit of God will be like oil flowing over your spirit. Your worship on hard ground will create a sacred place to encounter the Living God and to experience His promises and His presence.

    I do not take your pain lightly. The rejection of a spouse can be more devastating than the death of a spouse, and it can be difficult to know how to process the grief in healthy ways. Give yourself much grace, pour your heart out to God, and soak in His love. Meditate on His fervent love for you personally, and be aware of His Presence with you. He is attentive to you. He is careful and tender, mindful of every detail in your life. He will love you well.

    God has a high purpose, lasting significance, and a true honor for you. The enemy cannot thwart the purposes of God for you. There is no darkness that is darkness to God. There is no confusion, wavering, or bewilderment with God. Even in our darkness, He is light (Micah 7:8).

    This is an immense opportunity for you! You are being invited to invade enemy territory—to plant the flag of Christ in victory, proclaiming that the love of God is stronger than the rejection of people. The love of God is our healing, our thriving, our comfort, and our joy.

    5. God has called you to this, and He will make you successful—successful as a man who trusts his God and who faithfully fights the good fight. 

    You have not been tossed aside by God. You have been called to join in the suffering of Christ with joy for the sake of eternal victories and for the richer savoring of Jesus Christ (Colossians 1:24).

    Tune your ear to hear the voice of God. Refuse to listen to the lies of your enemy, Satan. He is the relentless accuser of your soul, and he comes only to steal and to destroy (John 10:10).

    Resist him! Stand firm in your faith, as your brothers throughout the world, are also doing (1 Peter 5:9-10). Draw strength from their example, and add strength to the Body through your example.

    Please do not shrink back (Hebrews 10:39). Please do not despise your calling. The Body of Christ needs you to be faithful where God has assigned you.

    Set your face and faith like flint, determined to do God’s will (Isaiah 50:7). You will not be shamed, and you will not be disappointed when you see what God has been doing through your yieldedness to Him (Romans 5:5). 

    “Your right hand, O LORD, is glorious in power. Your right hand, O LORD, smashes the enemy.” (Exodus 15:6, NLT)

    God is not defeated in your life. He is fighting, and He intends to show Himself glorious.

    “Be strong and courageous. … The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Deuteronomy 31:7, NIV)

     ——————————-

    Other articles to encourage you:

    An Open Letter to a Hurting Husband
    Thank You!

  • 6 Reasons for Not Giving Up on Your Marriage

    6 Reasons for Not Giving Up on Your Marriage

    Are you ready to give up on your marriage?

    Perhaps you have reasons such as these: You are the only one trying to making it work. It takes too much effort. Nothing ever gets better. It is too painful.

    What if you discovered that God’s gift of hope is greater than your pit of despair?  What if you learned six powerful reasons for not giving up?

    1. Just one person can make a huge difference in a marriage. Just one person—you!—can make enough difference in a marriage to change the entire dynamic of the relationship.

    We tend to think that it takes two people working together to build a marriage. But is that true?

    Imagine this: think of two people standing back-to-back in conflict. If both people are willing to turn around, then the couple will be face-to-face in good relationship again. However, what happens when one person in that back-to-back situation remains motionless while the other person walks around to face the one who did not move? The two people become face-to-face again, even though only one person moved.

    If both people in a marriage will make changes, that is great. However, it takes only one spouse to make a dramatic difference. You can be the one!

    2. We easily give away our worthless junk, but we guard our treasures. If we don’t realize that what we have is valuable, we may allow ourselves to be robbed of great riches. Your marriage is a treasure because your marriage contains two priceless people! Your spouse is worth loving, and your marriage is worth fighting for.

    Your spiritual enemy knows that your marriage is extremely valuable, so he is relentless in trying to steal it from you. Don’t let him! He will urge you to let go of your marriage; he will tell you that your marriage is not worth all the effort that you are making. He is lying.

    He is lying because he wants your marriage! He knows its great value. When Satan destroys a marriage, not only does he harm the husband and the wife, but he also devastates their children, damages other marriages, weakens society, and discredits the gospel.

    Conversely, when you fight for your marriage, not only do you and your spouse benefit, but your children are powerfully blessed, the marriages around you are encouraged, society is strengthened, and the Kingdom of God advances. That is a lot to keep fighting for!

    3. Sometimes we think that if our marriages aren’t perfect, or if our spouses are not honoring God, then we are not able to glorify God through our marriages. That is not true! Regardless of what your marriage looks like or what your spouse is doing, you are able to reveal God through your choices in your marriage.

    When you keep your promises, even though others are not, you are a powerful reflection of God. When you are faithful to your covenant partner, you glorify God as the loyal Covenant Partner of His people. When you daily make the choice to love your spouse, you display the unfailing love of God.

    Your spouse’s failures do not lessen your ability to glorify God. There is never a time in our marriages where we cannot reveal the unshakeable commitment of God to His covenant people.

    If “we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself.” (2 Timothy 2:13, NIV)

    4. We often fear that other people are ruining our lives, but we know that as believers in Christ, this simply cannot happen. God says that His plans for us are good; unless we ourselves reject or resist the work of God in our lives, those good plans cannot thwarted.

    “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11, NLT)

    “I know that You can do anything and no plan of Yours can be thwarted.” (Job 42:2, HSCB)

    When we are walking in yieldedness to the Spirit of God, then we have the amazing confidence that God is working through our suffering for our good and for His glory. Our God-ordained suffering actually shapes us for greater joy.

    Instead of being afraid that we will be inwardly deformed by our difficulties, we find that our God-ordained suffering actually heals us and advances us. When we trust the goodness of God, instead of being controlled by fear, we rest in His perfect love for us. We allow God to build a core of strength and peace within us that we had never known before.

    The reason we don’t give up on our difficult marriages is because we are convinced that God knows how to redeem our pain, how to make our spirits thrive, and how to create a glory that far outweighs our troubles.

    “For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory.” (2 Corinthians 4:17, HCSB)

    5. It is very hard to keep working at a marriage when we don’t see anything happening. But God is working! The roots of our obedience must often grow deep and sturdy before we can see the plant and long before we can taste sweet fruit. Our sincere attempts to please God are always seen by Him, valued by Him, and rewarded by Him: He honors those who honor Him (1 Samuel 2:30).

    Everything that we offer to Christ has spiritual force; it is used by God to advance His purposes. God uses our obedience like spiritual scaffolding in our marriages. Our willingness to cooperate with God in our marriages becomes the platform upon which God works.

    We “dare not despise the day of small things” because God sees every act of obedience, however small, and pours His mighty power into it (Zechariah 4:10, NIV).

    6. You will not regret trusting God. You will not regret obeying Him.

    We struggle; we fret; we rack our brains trying to figure things out. But the reason we wrestle with God is that we do not know what He knows. We would do well to remember this: God knows something that we do not know. We can trust Him.

    God keeps His promises; He is absolutely trustworthy. He loves us much more and far better than we love ourselves, and He has the power to pull it all off. His mighty arm has the strength to fulfill all that His wise mind plans for us and all that His loving heart desires for us.

    Don’t give up! You can make a difference.
    Don’t give up! Your marriage is worth fighting for.
    Don’t give up! You honor God as you honor your marriage.
    Don’t give up! Your God-ordained suffering will enrich you.
    Don’t give up! God is working through your obedience.
    Don’t give up! You will not regret trusting and obeying God.

  • The Husband Chapter

    The Husband Chapter

    Can you name the Old Testament passage for husbands? Wives have Proverbs 31 as a guiding chapter, but what do husbands have?

    I would like to make a nomination for “the husband chapter” of the Old Testament: Psalm 23.

    Psalm 23 is well-loved for its vivid imagery of a loving, faithful shepherd. But it also masterfully delineates the qualities of an excellent husband. The Good Shepherd provides a fantastic model for men who seek to be husbands after God’s own heart, for the Good Shepherd is also the perfect Bridegroom, Christ.

    As we read through Psalm 23, we can identify seven characteristics of a godly husband.

    1. A godly husband provides for his wife.

    The LORD is my shepherd; I have all that I need.” (NLT)

    He assumes responsibility for the well-being of his wife, and he seeks to meet her needs.

    2. A great husband creates security.

    He lets me rest in green meadows….”

    This man’s wife feels safe with him. She feels secure not only in his presence, but also in his care. She feels safe in his loyalty and in his responses to her.

    3. An admirable husband brings peace and refreshment to his wife’s spirit.

    … he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength.”

    He works to understand his wife’s needs, and he looks for ways to give her fresh energy.

    4. An outstanding husband is a trustworthy leader.

    He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.”

    He leads, not by giving orders, but by ordering his own life well. This man points out the right path by walking down the right path himself.

    He makes wise, careful decisions which will benefit his wife and their marriage.

    He understands that the measure of his wife’s well-being  is the measure of his greatness. Her thriving is his honor.

    5. A heroic husband protects his wife.

    Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.”

    Using “the rod,” he fights against those who would harm her, and using “the staff,” he rescues her from threatening situations.

    He comforts his beloved with his fierce commitment to her and with his desire to be close beside her. He battles her enemies and dispels her insecurities.

    6. A fantastic husband offers rich relationship to his wife.

    You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings.”

    Even when a husband and wife are surrounded by  harsh or even hostile circumstances, a godly man is a refuge to his wife. In difficult situations, his care sustains her. This wife knows that even when everything and everyone seem to be against her, her husband will always be for her.

    This man recognizes his wife’s hurts and struggles, and he seeks her relief and healing. He fills her life with continual blessing.

    7. A successful husband pursues his wife.

    Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the LORD forever.”

    This man pursues getting to know his wife better, and he never stops looking for ways to bring goodness into her life. Resisting passivity, he is active in expressing love.

    The blessed wife of this man knows that she has an unshakable place in her husband’s heart. She looks forward to staying right there, appreciating this man who reflects the very character of God.

    iTo the extent that he is able to affect it.

  • The Forgotten Strength of a Woman: Femininity

    The Forgotten Strength of a Woman: Femininity

    Every woman has a great strength to bring to her marriage.

    Unfortunately, few wives use this relationship-building tool. Some women discarded it long ago, mistaking it for an outdated hindrance. Others are afraid of being hurt by it. Many women simply do not realize the gift that they have.

    What is this superpower?

    It is femininity.

    Although femininity has been forgotten in our culture today, it is still relevant and valuable. We would do well to start asking these questions: What is true femininity? How can it strengthen our marriages?

    What is femininity?

    By “femininity,” I do not mean pink, ruffles, or lace.

    When God made people, He made them “male and female, in His image.” Although God is neither male nor female, certain glories of His divine nature are revealed through the masculinity of men and through the femininity of women. It is God’s noble calling upon a woman to minister in her marriage through her God-designed and God-revealing femininity.

    Although being female is a matter of biology, being feminine is a matter of relationship. Femininity is the relationship-knitting response to masculinity.

    It is God’s design for a man to carry the weight of responsibility for the well-being of his wife. As he takes action and as he makes personal sacrifices for the benefit of his beloved, the masculine husband reveals the proactive, self-sacrificing character of God. (Read my salute to masculinity HERE.)

    It is God’s design for a woman to strengthen the lover in his responsibility and to receive him with welcoming and acceptance. Although Christian wives are often encouraged to support their husbands with respect, much less is said about the importance of welcoming and acceptance, which is the great strength of femininity.

    How does femininity affect our marriages?

    A feminine wife welcomes her husband with warmth. This is more than a physical welcoming; this is a welcoming in the woman’s spirit. Her husband knows that when he comes into his wife’s presence, she will receive him with gladness and honor.

    How does this commitment to “welcoming” reflect God? Think of the story that Jesus told about a father and his prodigal son. Do you remember how the father welcomed his son when the son returned home? The father ran to his son, threw his arms around him, kissed him, and honored him. The father received his son with his arms flung wide-open and with a whole-hearted embrace. This was genuine, fervent welcoming! Not only did the father physically demonstrate his eagerness to receive his son, but the father also welcomed his son in spirit.

    After painting this word-picture for us so that we understand how God receives us, the Scriptures urge us to extend this same welcome to others: “Welcome and receive [to your hearts] one another, then, even as Christ has welcomed and received you, for the glory of God” (Romans 15:7, Amplified Bible).

    Not only does a feminine woman welcome her husband, but she also accepts him. Of course, she does not accept what is evil, harmful, or abusive. But she deeply accepts her husband as God made him. She accepts him as a man made in the image of God, as a man created for strength and greatness. She recognizes that her husband is an immortal spirit, designed to reflect the glory of God. This woman looks past her husband’s faults to see that he himself is highly valuable. She knows that he is a sinner—as she is, too—but that he is also priceless. She accepts him as an amazing gift from God to treasure and to enjoy.

    Women sometimes fear that responding to their husbands in this way will cause their husbands to become sloppy in both manners and morals. Women worry that their acceptance will enable poor behavior. But genuine acceptance of a man’s spirit actually encourages that man to succeed. Sincere acceptance often motivates a man to take responsible action. Rejection, however, never encourages and rarely motivates.

    A feminine woman realizes that her husband’s heart is full of many things which she has not felt and many things of which she does not even know—hurts, disappointments, struggles, and deep inner woundings. She respects the mysteries of his heart which are known only to God. She is mindful that her husband is “fearfully and wonderfully made” with strengths and perspectives which she does not have but which she accepts and appreciates.

    But doesn’t a woman also need to take responsibility and take action? Certainly! But she is wise to specialize in warm welcome and deep acceptance.

    When a woman is uncertain at times about what to do in her marriage, she can “default” to the feminine specialties of warm welcome and deep acceptance. She can trust God that these are things which God will honor; she can trust that these are things which will minister well to her husband.

    When a woman longs for her husband to be masculine (that is, responsible and active) in their relationship, it is usually not effective for her to take over his responsibilities or for her to take action to make him become more masculine. Instead, she can be confident that a powerful way to strengthen her husband’s masculinity is by encouraging him through her femininity. The best confirmation of a man’s masculinity is his wife’s femininity.

    If we, as wives, want to strengthen our marriages through our femininity, here are some questions to ask ourselves:

    What does my husband sense when he comes into my presence? Does he sense open arms or folded arms? Does he feel belittled? In my presence, does he sense disapproval, disappointment, rejection, irritation, or anger?  Or does he sense warm welcome?

    Does my husband gain strength because of my deep acceptance of him? Am I mindful of his high value? Do I accept his needs, his differences, and his unique design? Do I accept him as a man to know, to serve, and to delight in?

    As we embrace godly femininity, we regain not only a forgotten strength but also a God-revealing glory.

  • Pentecost

    Pentecost

    Celebrating Pentecost

    God’s Two Gifts

  • Passover

    Passover

    Resources for Celebrating Passover and Easter

    communion
  • Easter

    Easter

    Resources for Celebrating Passover and Easter

    Celebrating Easter in Your Marriage (part 1)

    Celebrating Easter in Your Marriage (part 2)

    The Power of a Torn Veil

  • Praying for Marriages on the National Day of Prayer 2024

    Praying for Marriages on the National Day of Prayer 2024

    Lord, we thank you today for the institution of marriage, which you designed and gave to us as a beautiful and profound gift. All of creation tells us that you exist, but marriage tells us who you are. You are a God of relationship. Within the Godhead, you are rich, harmonious, honoring relationship. As people made in your image, we have the joy of reflecting that rich, harmonious, and honoring relationship in our marriages.

    It is a privilege and responsibility to tell the truth of who you are. Through our marriages, we can reflect the truth that you are a faithful Covenant Partner: you cherish, you protect, you provide, you nurture, you support, and you comfort. You never abandon; you never belittle; you never stop loving.

    Lord, we confess as your people that we have failed to tell the truth of who you are through our marriages. We have failed to turn to you to let you love us so well that we can then turn to our spouses and love them well. We have not leaned on you as the one who will always welcome us, the one who will always comfort us, and the one who is always trustworthy.

    God, we hold up to you now every marriage within the body of Christ in this nation. We ask that the marriages of your people would be rooted and grounded in you. We ask that we would love our spouses as our highest ministry and that we would value our spouses as people created in the image of God, worthy of respect, attention, and compassion.

    Show us how to encourage the marriages around us. Teach us that our marriages are not private matters; they are personal but not private because we are part of the Body of Christ, and we hurt and heal together.

    Lord, we pray now for marriage in this nation to be honored. We recognize that the fabric of marriage is being shredded and that the very meaning of marriage is being repressed and slandered. We pray that marriage as you designed it will be valued; we pray that couples will be strengthened and will gain hope to keep doing the noble work of marriage; we pray that couples will be encouraged to nurture their marriages because people are always worth loving.  

    Make us bold, unrelenting, and kind in holding onto marriage as you designed it—
    marriage as the best cradle for a child,
    marriage as the strong, enduring foundation underneath our children’s lives, and
    marriage that tells the truth about who you are.

    You are a promise keeper, a faithful lover, a devoted covenant partner to us, and we adore you.

    For the sake of Christ, we pray this. Amen.

  • How to Be a Burning Bush: Suffering Well

    A Burning Bush

    One day Moses was tending the flock of his father-in-law, Jethro, the priest of Midian. He led the flock far into the wilderness and came to Sinai, the mountain of God. There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a blazing fire from the middle of a bush. Moses stared in amazement. Though the bush was engulfed in flames, it didn’t burn up. “This is amazing,” Moses said to himself. “Why isn’t that bush burning up? I must go see it.”

    When the Lord saw Moses coming to take a closer look, God called to him from the middle of the bush, “Moses! Moses!”

    “Here I am!” Moses replied. (Exodus 3:1-4, NLT)

    suffering

    What an incredible sight! Out in the wilderness, Moses discovered a blazing bush that didn’t burn up.

    It got Moses’ attention. He stopped. Intrigued, he moved closer. And then God spoke to him.

    A Spectacle of Grace

    Over 200 years ago, John Newton realized that this burning-but-not-burnt bush was a vivid metaphor for Christians as they go through fiery trials. Newton wrote:

    Some Christians are called to endure a disproportionate amount of suffering. Such Christians are a spectacle of grace to the church, like flaming bushes unconsumed, and cause us to ask, like Moses, ‘Why is this bush not burned?’ The strength and stability of these believers can be explained only by the miracle of God’s sustaining grace.¹

    Newton called these suffering-but-victorious Christians “spectacles of grace.” Joni Tada uses the phrase “spectacles of glory.” Joni, by the way, is the perfect example of this! Not only is she a quadriplegic, but Joni has also battled cancer, and she lives with chronic pain. Despite immense suffering, she faithfully maintains a joyful, thankful spirit.

    Perhaps you are a spectacle of glory.

    At some point, God calls all of us to be spectacles of glory. When we walk through difficult circumstances without being destroyed, it grabs people’s attention. They say, “How can this be? What is going on here?” They turn their eyes from their usual focus. They stop to look. And as they gaze, still and attentive, God speaks to them.

    Smoke or Spectacle: Your Choice

    When you experience fiery trials, you can be badly burned, and your life can turn into ashes. You might become bitter, resentful, and stuck in grief. You may feel abandoned by God, and you might feel sorry for yourself. Discouragement and despair may overtake you. Your strength, your success, your usefulness—it all seems to go up in smoke.

    suffering

    OR … you can be a bush that is not consumed! 

    You can be a spectacle of glory as the fires of suffering burn without burning you. Do you remember the young Hebrew men who were thrown into the fiery furnace? They were not consumed—not a single hair was singed. And when they came out of from the flames, they did not even have the smell of fire on them.

    A Captive Audience

    You can be a miracle that gets the attention of others. (It will probably get your attention, too!) Like a burning-but-not-consumed bush, you will create opportunities for people to hear the voice of God.

    suffering

    People will say, “What’s this? How are you going through these circumstances with a calm spirit? How are you going through all this without being bitter or belligerent? Why are you not anxious or angry or addicted?” Because  your response to suffering is unusual, they will stop for a moment and look away from their usual activity—like Moses turning away from his flocks—and they may hear God speaking to them.

    We can yield to the indwelling of the Spirit of God. He will be our radiance—the blazing fire that fills us but does not consume us. We can let God turn us into spectacles of grace and glory.

    Whose Suffering is This?

    The Scriptures tell us:

    Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal you are going through, as though something strange were happening to you. Instead, rejoice—be very glad— as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. (1 Peter 4:12-13, NLT)

    Notice that we participate in the sufferings of Christ. Usually, we participate in our own sufferings, don’t we? We participate in our life, our pain, our worry, our frustration, and our feelings of being rejected. But when we live that way, we are like bushes burned and consumed.

    Instead, we must give our lives to Christ. We must walk through hard times knowing that these are His sufferings. We can say, “This is God’s life. He can do with it whatever He pleases. I gave it to Him, and I trust Him.” All the pain, the weight, and the rejection is His suffering. It all becomes redemptive suffering, in which nothing is wasted. All of the pain is being molded into a container for glory, a vessel that will overflow with glory.

    Redemptive suffering increases our capacity for joy.

    Keep On Doing What is Right

    So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good. (1 Peter 4:19, NIV)

    So if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right, and trust your lives to the God who created you, for he will never fail you. (1 Peter 4:19, NLT)

    What are some of the good things that we should continue to do? Here are several things that are always right to “keep on doing”:

    • Keep trusting that God is fully attentive to you, absolutely loving, and perfectly wise. Keep trusting that He is trustworthy!
    • Keep forgiving.
    • Keep praying fervently and without ceasing.
    • Keep your heart open and soft toward your spouse. (God often uses the hot coals of kindness to melt icy-hard hearts.)
    • Keep honoring the spirit of your spouse.
    • Keep your covenant vows.

    God has given us this wonderful promise:

    When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. (Isaiah 43:2, NLT)

    If you are walking through fiery trials, I pray that God will sustain you as an amazing “spectacle of grace.” As you are filled with His Spirit, you will be like a burning bush, radiating with His spectacular glory!

    _______________________________________
    ¹Quoted in A Spectacle of Glory: God’s Light Shining through Me. Joni Eareckson Tada. Zondervan. 2016. Page 7.

  • Meditating on Scripture: A Life-Changing Habit

    One of the most life-changing habits we can develop is meditating on Scripture.

    This means to keep a phrase or passage from the Bible in our thoughts, pondering its meaning and implications. As we go throughout the day, we keep that thought in mind, reflecting and contemplating. Even when we are not consciously considering the phrase, it is still on the “backburner” of our thinking.

    We mull it over, asking ourselves questions such as these: 

     What does this say about God? What does this say about me? How does God want me to apply this to my own life?

    What are the spiritual and physical parallels in this situation? What deeper truths are hidden here? How does this connect with other truths?

    How does this passage encourage me? convict me? instruct me?

    How is the beauty of Christ revealed in this Scripture? How can I treasure and adore Him here?

    Meditating on Scripture is like pouring our behavior and our thoughts into a divine mold. When we hold God’s thinking in our minds, our lives begin to conform to the image of Christ.

    meditate

    Over and over, we let the “water” of the Scriptures wash over our minds and spirits. As we do so, we are cleansed and refreshed. The water of the Word is not only a refreshment to our thirsty spirits; it is also a powerful force that shapes us, just as the repeated rushing of water can sculpt even rock.

    Those who meditate on Scripture “are like trees planted along the riverbank, bearing fruit each season. Their leaves never wither, and they prosper in all they do” (Psalm 1:3, NLT).

    meditate

    God tells us to study the Book that He has given to us:

    Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. (Joshua 1:8, NLT)

    What promise from God are you leaning on today? Are your thoughts focused on a specific Scripture? Are you clinging to Truth?

    Of course, meditating on Scripture and memorizing Scripture go hand-in-hand. I want to encourage you always to have a verse or a passage that you are memorizing. Just five minutes a day of memorizing will change your life!

    (Listen HERE as Joni Eareckson Tada and her husband, Ken, talk about how he memorizes Scripture.)

    Below are several encouraging Scriptures. I pray that you will be greatly blessed as you meditate on the precious and powerful promises of God.

    If you would like to print these verses, I am attaching them as a pdf HERE.

    Scriptures
    Scriptures
    Scriptures
    Scriptures
    Scriptures

    You can find additional Scripture printables at “Five Smooth Pebbles for You.”

    Blessings to you,
    Tami

  • Women of Strength and Honor

    What is the glory of a woman? How can we overcome our failure, shame, and fear?

    These were some the questions we explored as I spoke on the topic of “Living as Women of Strength and Honor.” I was privileged to speak at a women’s brunch hosted by the Adorned Women’s Ministry at the First Baptist Church of Melbourne, Florida.

    I am sharing with you a PowerPoint video (29 minutes), as well as a transcript of the material (below).

    (Click here to watch the video.)

    Living as Women of Strength and Honor

    It is a glorious thing to be a woman! It is a glory for a woman to be a woman.

    Being a woman is not a feeling, and it’s not a choice. God has written “XX” in every cell of our bodies. A trillion times over, God has stamped “woman” into our physical identity.

    Let’s be clear, too, that it is a glory for a man to be a man. Let’s recognize this gladly and say it boldly. God has created both men and women with unique glory.

    As men and women, we are created in the image of God. Imago Dei means that we have been given some of God’s own attributes. For example, we have self-awareness, imagination, moral capacity, and free will. Psalm 8:5 says that God made men and women “only a little lower than God, and He crowned them with glory and honor.”

    Being a woman made in the image of God is a glory, it is a gift, and it is also a calling. Imago Dei is not just descriptive; it is also prescriptive. When God tells us that we are made in His image, He is not just telling us who we are; He is also telling us how to live. We are to live and love like God does.

    Isn’t it marvelous to know that we were created on purpose for a great purpose? We were created to know God personally and deeply forever; and, while we are on earth, we have a sacred calling to live-out the image of God in beautiful and compelling ways to others.

    How will we ever fulfill such a high calling? God says that He will equip us and empower us for this very purpose. Proverbs 31:25 says that God adorns us with strength, with honor, and with confidence.

    As women, we have a glory, and we have a story.  Our story has a very good beginning, a tragic crisis, an epic rescue by a mighty Hero, and a truly magnificent “happily ever after.”

    Chapter One: Creation

    The Author of our story is also our Creator, our Rescuer, and the One whose Glory makes us forever happy. In Chapter One, we find that God eternally exists in the richest, most intimate of relationships: pulsating within the Trinity is personal union, perfect love, and pure pleasure.

    Even before the creation of the world, God decided that He would invite each one of us to share His joy with Him. His plan was to knit us to Himself with cords of love. He wants to weave us to Himself with strands of kindness and ties of tender mercy.

    The first woman, Eve, took her first breath and opened her eyes in wonder at a world full of color and song. She was completely loved, desired, and cherished.  She knew nothing of shame or fear.

    This is God’s design and desire for all of us.

    Eve, whose name means Living, was designed to bring new life into the world. All women are designed to bring life in special ways to those around them. This reflects God who is Himself the essence of Life and the giver of all life.

    Along with all women, Eve was created to bring strength to those around her—rescuing, supportive strength. This reveals a God who delights in bringing His strength to serve others.

    Along with all women, Eve was created to overflow with joy in loving others. This too is a reflection of God. Just like flowing water that generates immense power, the active love of God generates immense joy.

    To be joined with God forever, and to bring life and strength and love to others—what an honor and what a high calling this is!

    Chapter Two: The Fall

    Part of the imago dei is having free will. Each one of us is given the same choice that Eve was given: to choose God as our personal God, or to reject Him. Rejecting Him means severing those cords of kindness and cutting the ties of tender love. Sin is not violating random rules that God made up to see if we could keep.  Sin is the snip, snip, snipping away at our connections with God.                                                      

    We don’t really mean to do this. But when we reject God, we also reject Love because that’s who God is. When we turn from God, we also turn from Life and Truth because that’s who God is.

    Each of us, at some point in our life, has chosen separation from God rather than connection with God. In Chapter Two of our story, we reached for a tree, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and we fell out of the garden of paradise.

    Imagine being an astronaut in far outer space. You are outside the space station, but you are tethered by a strong cable to the station—the station that has oxygen and food and navigating powers. Do you think you would reach out and clip the cable that connected you to the station? What if that meant drifting away into cold and certain death?

    In this shared story of all women, this is exactly what we did, spiritually. Instead of being tethered to God, we severed the cable. We then drifted away from everything that we need for life, and we had no way to return.

    Cut off from God, we are no longer women of strength. Instead, we begin to struggle with failure. Rather than bringing strength to those around us, we seek to manipulate and control.

    We are no longer women of laughter. Instead, we are dominated by fear. We build emotional and relational walls to protect ourselves, never guessing that we are actually building our own tombs around our souls.

    And we are no longer women of honor. Instead, we are shrouded with shame.

    Our sinful choices can bring shame, and sometimes, shame is put on us unjustly. That is what happened to Tamar.

    You may remember that Tamar was the daughter of King David in ancient Israel. A true princess, Tamar was young and beautiful, and also a woman of integrity. But a horrible thing happened to Tamar. Her own brother raped her. Tamar was absolutely innocent in this.

    And yet, what did she experience as a result?

    The Bible says that

    Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornate robe she was wearing. She put her hands on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went.

    For the rest of her life, she lived as a desolate woman.

    Even though Tamar was blameless, she lived with false shame for the rest of her life. Like Tamar, many of us struggle with shame. We may not show it on the outside, but on the inside, we have our hands on our head, and we are weeping. We feel alone and desolate. At some level in our soul, we live hidden away as desolate women.

    So we see in our story as women that we struggle with failure and shame and fear. But these are not our deepest problems. Our core issue is the posture of our will.

    You have probably been to a banquet where each place setting has a coffee cup. If a guest would like coffee to drink, she leaves her cup turned up. However, if she does not care for coffee with her key lime pie, she turns the cup over, upside down. Throughout the dinner, as the servers come by each table, they know that a cup turned up means, “Yes, please,” but a cup turned down means, “No, thank you.”

    The human will is very much like that coffee cup on the banquet table. At all times, our will chooses a posture toward God. Our posture says either “yes” to God, or “no.” We can call this a posture of humility or a posture of pride.

    When we choose what we think or what we feel over what God says, then our will is choosing a posture of pride. Our cup is turned over.

    I realize that the word pride can be used in many ways, both negative and positive. I am using the word “pride” today in a very specific spiritual sense that helps us understand that pride is our core problem. Pride inherently separates us from God because pride is the rejection of God.

    I can recognize God as the Creator and Judge of all life, and yet reject Him as the Ruler of my life at this moment. Pride is choosing to trust my understanding of the situation and my evaluation of others and my view of myself rather than leaning on God as Truth and as the Source of everything I need in this very moment.

    Spiritual pride is choosing to be the boss of my life. It is believing that I know who or what is good for me and what’s not. Even as Christians, we often lean on our own perspective and our own opinions. This posture of pride forces us to carry the constant weight of taking care of ourselves and tending to ourselves.

    Don’t we have needs that must be met? Don’t we need joy? Yes, we certainly do! But here’s the thing: Meeting our needs and managing our joy is the job of whoever our God is!

    Who is your God in this moment?

    If you are trying to manage your happiness and your glory, then you are playing god to yourself. You are trying to carry a great weight that only a great God can carry. We know how to obsess about ourselves, but we don’t have the ability to give ourselves what we need.

    When you have the true God as your personal God, every time you realize that you are trying to ensure your well-being or trying to control people’s perceptions of you, you can say to yourself, Oh, wait–that is not my job! Whew—what a relief!

    But separated from God, we experience failure, shame, and fear. What can we do?

    We can flip the cup of our will and return to humility. If pride is being god to ourselves, then humility is letting God be God to us. Pride says, “What do I think about this?” but humility says, “God, what do You say about this? You are my God. I look to You; I trust You.”

    When we humble ourselves, we return to a posture of receiving. Like the sides of the coffee cup, our arms are raised in openness and emptiness before God. God opposes the proud, but for the humble, He pours out grace, and He pours out more.

    Chapter Three:  Redemption

    Even after we untethered ourselves from God, He kept loving us. He still longed for connection with us. In this next chapter of our story, God did an amazing thing.

    In order to rescue us from drifting into death, God the Son actually untethered Himself from God the Father, and walked right into death. He suffered within Himself the consequences of our rejection of God. He did this for us so that we would never have to experience a complete and final separation from God. After Jesus suffered the full onslaught of death on a cross, He overcame death and re-entered the joyous union of the Godhead.

    You remember that we reached for a tree in chapter 2 and severed our connection with God.  But if we will reach now for the Tree of the Cross, our connection with God is restored through Jesus Christ. Through Him, we can live as women made in the image of God. As we yield to God’s Spirit, we can fulfill God’s calling on our lives to be women who are clothed with strength and dignity, and who laugh at the days to come.

    Strength, dignity, and laughter. Let’s look at each one of these.

    1. Strength

    What does it mean to be a woman of strength? In our culture, “strength” often means the power to control or dominate.

    But true strength is the power to do what God has called us to do. The strength we need as women of God is not the ability to be in charge or the power to make our dreams come true or to self-actualize. We need the energy to keep on loving, even in the face of disappointment or rejection. We need the power to forgive. We need the strength to bite our tongues on our sarcastic words.

    Proverbs 31:17 says that the woman of God dresses herself with strength. One translation says that she “gird[s] her loins with strength.” That sounds a bit unusual, but this means that she wraps strength around her like a belt.

    Think of that! She wraps herself up in strength. The strength of God wraps around her like a protective cocoon, like a shield. The strength of God pulls her together and holds her together and shapes her life.

    It is interesting to see that this same statement is made about God. Psalm 93:1 says, “The LORD … has girded Himself with strength.” When we wrap God’s strength around us, we reveal to others the power of our God.

    I love this metaphor of strength like a belt. There are two different aspects of this imagery.

    The first aspect is the concept of strength. This is not a strength that the woman of God possesses on her own. There is a binding up here so that what was weak is now made strong. Think of a broken board that is wrapped up tightly against a strong board so that the broken pieces are held together—or a broken arm that is bound to a splint.

    This is what God does for us. We are broken pieces, but we are wrapped up with His strength. He holds us together, and He heals us back into wholeness.

    So that is the first piece here: we take our weakness, and bind ourselves to the Strength of God. We bind our not-enough selves to the more-than-enough Sufficiency of His grace. Oh, how I need to do this every day! As I encounter my inadequacies—over and over—it is wonderful to realize that I can bind myself to Almighty God.

    Now, there is also a 2nd aspect of this belt imagery. Do you remember an Old Testament prophet named Jeremiah? One day, God told Jeremiah to take a new belt and bury it in the rocks beside a river. “A long time later,” God told Jeremiah to go back and dig it up.

    What do you think the belt looked like after being in the wet dirt for several weeks? It was ruined.

    God explained to Jeremiah that just as a belt clings right next to someone’s body, so God had created His people to cling right next to Him. God created us to be like that beautiful, strong belt wrapped tightly against Himself. He wants our lives and hearts to be intertwined with His life and His heart.

    It is a very intimate metaphor, actually. But most people don’t really want to be that close with God, and so the relationship that God intended to be one of intimacy falls apart like a broken belt.

    Intimacy is the second piece of this belt imagery. Isn’t it amazing that we are invited to wrap ourselves close to God?

    Every morning, let’s wrap God’s strength around us so that everything we see and everything that comes at us is filtered through Him—through His love, through His promises, and through His strength wrapped around us. Now, with God’s strength, we are able to support others and build them up. Instead of using our strength to dominate or control, we can use God’s strength to serve and strengthen others.

    2. The second thing that God adorns us with is honor.

    Think again of Tamar, who lived most of her life as a desolate woman. She put ashes on her head. And with her hands, she pulled her head down. Where were her eyes? Cast down. Who could see into her eyes? No one. Whose eyes was she looking into? No one’s.

    This is what shame does to us. It isolates us. It snips our cords of connection not only with God but with other people. Shame is a bit different from guilt. Guilt causes us to hide the vase that we broke. In other words, we don’t want anyone to see what we did wrong. But shame causes us to hide our soul. We don’t want others to see that we are wrong.

    The posture of shame is head down, eyes averted. I don’t mean that we do that literally, although we might; but certainly, we do this relationally. If our eyes are like windows into our soul, then shame causes us to pull the shades shut.

    Even when we understand that God forgives our guilt, many of us do not know what to do about our shame—and I am including false shame in this. Shame that the evil of others has smeared on us. Or false shame that our culture has wiped on us, telling us that we are never quite enough.

    What will God do about our shame?

    If you are in covenant with Jesus Christ, you can go to God and stand before Him with your sense of shame, with your head and eyes down. As you are still, knowing that He is God, you will also know that His gentle hands are under your chin, tenderly lifting your head.

    The psalmist said, “But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head” (Ps. 3:3, ESV). God lifts your head and crowns you with compassion and steadfast love.

    Isaiah 61:3 says that God takes our ashes, like those that Tamar had put on her head, and He replaces them with a crown of beauty. You have the honor of being united to Christ in covenant and in love (1 Cor 6:17). God gives you the honor of being His—His child, His ambassador, His beloved.

    Knowing that you have a crown on your head causes you to lift your head and lift your eyes. What do you see now that your eyes are lifted? Do you see the beauty of your own crown? No, you can’t see the crown on your own head.

    You see Jesus Christ, the Lifter of your head. The beauty of Jesus Christ fills your vision; His perfections and beauty captivate you. No longer averting your eyes, you are able to enter the intimacy you were created for because you are no longer hiding in your desolate house of shame.  You are no longer self-conscious; you can live Christ-conscious.

    When our eyes are lifted to see Jesus Christ, we are also able to really see others for the first time. True honor lifts our eyes from ourselves so that we can really see and delight in others. We could see people as objects before, but we could never really look into their eyes and see their souls because we were hiding our own eyes and our own souls.

    But now, as women adorned with honor, we can treat others with honor as people created in the image of God. We begin to see into their hearts and see their fears, not just their failures; we see better how to love.

    Knowing that God removes our shame and gives us honor enables us to lift shame from others and to give them honor. Through the ministry of honor, we reveal a supremely gracious and generous God, the only One who possesses inherent honor and the only One who has earned all glory.

    Here is a picture of Eve, again representing all of us. We can see the fear and shame written in her face, her eyes cast down. Instead of strength wrapped around her waist, the serpent is wrapped around her ankles, causing her to fall and symbolizing her failure and sin.

    And here is Mary, also representing all of us. As a woman of honor, she does have God’s strength wrapped around her like a belt. She stands on the head of the serpent in victory. She comforts Eve by pointing her to Christ, the One who rescues us. We don’t carry Christ in the same way that Mary did; but as believers, we are filled with the Living God. We have His strength, we have the honor of being His, and we can point others to the Savior.

    3. The woman of God is adorned with strength and honor, and she laughs at the days to come. She laughs because she is not afraid. Where does she get this confidence?

    I certainly want to know because fear has been my lifelong specialty. I have learned that fear thrives in the spiritual posture of pride–like mildew in the dark. The posture of pride puts me in a panic when I realize that I can’t pull something off or when I can’t control things. The posture of pride says that I have to ensure my own well-being, so fear takes over when I can’t create my own happiness or security.

    The posture of pride says that I have to define myself, defend myself, promote myself, figure out the plan for my life, and then make it all happen. Wow—that can generate a lot of fear.

    But this woman of God—she is fearless! She laughs at the days to come.

    How does she do this? She is not really any different than we are. She struggles with disappointment and pain in her life, just as we do. But this is what is different: she has turned her will from a posture of pride to a posture of humility.

    She fears God. She recognizes not only His absolute Authority but also His absolute goodness. She trusts Him to be her personal God. She knows that it is His job to take care of her, and she lets Him do His job. This woman has such respect for God’s power and such reverence for His trustworthy character and such awe for His wisdom—in these ways and more, she fears God so completely that she has no other fear.

    We have a covenant God who loves us perfectly. Everything God does in relationship with us is motivated entirely by love, and that love is shaped by flawless wisdom and enabled by infinite power. Think of that! That is the Love that casts out all fear.

    The woman of God doesn’t fear what others think about her because she is focused on what God thinks about her. She doesn’t fear being out of control because she relies on God’s control. Fearing God, she lives fearlessly. She lives with joy. She lives with laughter.

    This, then, is how God adorns us. With a belt, with a crown, and with a song.

    Chapter Four: Consummation

    So, our story has a wonderful beginning, a horrible fall, a magnificent Hero who will save us (if we let Him), and an ending that is so fantastic that it actually has no ending.

    Right now, we live in chapter 3. We have days in which we leave home without our belt of strength, we forget that we have a crown of honor, and we cling frantically to our fears. But these days of wrapping on belts and adjusting crowns will soon be over.

    This God who passionately loves us will soon rescue us so completely that there will be no more drifting or snipping. He will make all things so gloriously new that failure and shame and fear will be unmade, and all of creation will be remade in beauty and delight. God will bring us fully into His Presence of joy with pleasures forevermore. (Ps 16)

    God adorns us
    with strength, dignity, and laughter;
    and forever and ever
    we will adorn Him
    with adoration and worship
    as the God of all Glory,
    who is worthy of all praise.

    (Click HERE to discover the forgotten strength of a woman. )

    ©Tami Myer. 2020.

    ”Mary and Eve” crayon and pencil drawing by Sr. Grace Remington, OCSO, of the Cistercian Sisters of the Mississippi Abbey (https://www.monasterycandy.com/Product_List?c=33)

  • The Maestro of Unity

    Dressed in the crisp white and elegant black of a tuxedo, the conductor strides to the rostrum and rises tall before the members of his orchestra, their eyes lifted and their instruments polished and poised.

    With every muscle silenced and every ear cocked, the audience holds its breath.

    A hush …  the slow upsweep of a sure hand … and swoosh!

    Violins sing, and trumpets thunder.  The unleashed energies of bass and treble weave together in passionate dance. Flutes and spirits soar strong, and climbing notes lift high every heart.

    This is the throbbing desire of God, and this is His promise for all of creation. 

    The entire cosmos is like a vast symphonic orchestra. One day, every musician will be in place and every instrument will be ready as the Conductor stands tall on the podium. Perhaps He will pause for a deep breath and a soft smile. Then, with every eye on Him, He will hold up His scarred palms, and the music of eternity will cascade its joy. Forever new, rushing like water, the notes will ring glorious, rich, and bright.

    Jesus Christ will be celebrated as both Conductor and Composer. He will be praised as the awesome Creator not only of every instrument and every player but of music itself.

    Designed for Unity

    This has always been the plan of God: to bring together every piece and every person from every realm into one harmonized song. 

    God has now revealed to us his mysterious will regarding Christ—which is to fulfill his own good plan. And this is the plan: At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ—everything in heaven and on earth. (Ephesians 1:9-10, NLT)

    Before the beginning and beyond the beginning, God is eternally One. In the profound mystery of the Godhead, each Person of the Trinity is gloriously distinct and personally relational within one divine nature and one holy essence. Gorgeous diversity coalesces within perfect union. 

    And then, in the beginning, this one God created an immense universe, teeming with color and music and life. God’s creative joy exploded into an abundance of diversity synchronized into cohesion: one color wheel hosting an infinite number of colors; one musical scale accommodating an unending profusion of song; one sound spectrum pulsating with endless possibilities of amplitude and frequency.  

    In the midst of this interlaced marvel, God placed a man and a woman at a critical juncture. The Creator joined the diversity of male and female into the oneness of marriage. The Conductor gave this couple a melody and a harmony to sing. Together Adam and Eve flourished in this universe of coordinated complexity.

    Falling Apart

    Together they thrived until the day their ears snagged on strange whispering from the forbidden tree. Can you really trust this Conductor? Something was threatening to push out of place, like a squirming piece of yarn in tight-knit fabric. Is He truly good? As the thought snaked through their souls, the tempting yarn begged to be pulled, and the man and the woman yanked. Together, they pulled themselves apart, both from their God and from one another.

    In pulling the thread and rejecting their God, Adam and Eve chose relational separation instead of connection, and the entire universe unraveled, falling out of alignment and out of tune. It was like snapping the strings on a harp or warping the reed on a saxophone.

    This then is the big picture that we are slow to see and quick to forget. God designed us to create music in our lives and to glory in that song; but music happens only through connection with the Creator, the Composer, and the Conductor.

    Reunited

    If we reject God’s offer of reconciliation, we will squawk sour notes of dissonance and disappointment. We will eventually lose not only the ability to sing and harmonize but even the desire. But when we turn around to connect with God, He will restring our broken instruments and reserve our seats in the orchestra. And, oh, how our hearts will thrill forever to the symphony of God!

  • Shedding Our Shame

    Since the day Adam and Eve hid from God, shame has been a problem in our relationships. Not only can Jesus Christ remove the guilt of our sins, but He also knows how to rescue us from shame.
    ——————————————————————————————-

    Shame is a Shroud

    Shame is a shroud
    that suffocates our souls
    and hobbles our heels.

    Covered,
    hiding,
    we know we are exposed.

    This unshakable shame
    sucks life from spirits
    like marrow from a bone.

    Who will rescue us
    from this wretchedness?

    There is Only One
    who felt that piercing of heel,
    that draining of life,
    that draping of shame,
    swallowing the dregs of the cup
    and drawing it all into Himself before

    breathing

    the shame undone,
    the curse reversed,
    and all things made new.

    shame

    Let us lay our hands
    on the head of the Lamb.
    Let us shed all shame
    onto this Sacrifice
    who willingly wears
    our twisting of thorns
    and dies
    under the weight of our shroud,
    a death-wrapping
    forever
    left
    in an empty tomb.

    The shroud discarded,
    His glory displayed
    for the joy of all creation,

    for our shame is undone,
    the curse reversed,
    and we have been made new.

    shame

    © 2016.  Tami Myer

    Isaiah 50:6                              Hebrews 12:2

  • Take Your Marriage Back from Porn

    “How to Take Your Marriage Back from Porn” is the subtitle of Fight For Love, a new book by Rosie Makinney. I was excited to read this book; and after reading it, I was super excited to share it! There has been a desperate need for a resource that will encourage women whose husbands are caught in porn addiction. We have needed a book that will give these wives hope, courage, and practical guidance. I think Fight For Love will do just that!

    However, I do have a concern about this book that has dampened some of my initial enthusiasm. Can I recommend a book and give a serious caution at the same time?

    First, let me tell you what I love about this book. Then I will share my concern, and I will explore that topic with the help of my friend Dr. Jessica McCleese, a licensed clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist (www.BeFullyWell.com).

    What I Love about This Book

    Even when only one person in a marriage is using porn, Satan knows how to destroy both the husband and the wife with that one stone. The husband may be the one caught in a sexual addiction, but the wife is often trapped in a stranglehold of despair, fear, and deep hurt. She feels inadequate to satisfy her husband sexually, and she also feels inadequate to forge a healthy path forward for either her husband or herself.

    Rosie Makinney

    Rosie Makinney does a fantastic job of speaking truth and life into a wife’s wilting and wavering soul! It is Rosie’s healthy perspective that excites me about Fight For Love. Rosie recognizes that fighting porn is a battle worth waging and that it is a winnable war.  But even as Rosie encourages wives to fight porn, she urges them to focus on their own journey into the emotional and spiritual thriving that is found only in Jesus Christ.

    Here are some quotes from Fight For Love that I appreciate:

    By relinquishing your attempts to control your husband and focusing instead on obeying God, you will not only relieve yourself of a massive burden, but you’ll also set your compass to actual recovery. (43)

    … the only person’s reaction you can control is your own, and the only one who can convict is God. Be courageous, be calm, be kind, be firm. (44)

    At some point into recovery I realized that the goal was not just about helping my husband get sober from porn and healing my marriage. The truth is, God brought me on this journey for me to heal me from [unhealthy] ways of thinking. . . .  God wasn’t just stepping on my head to deal with my husband. He was taking me through all this for me too. (107)

    That is a life-changing truth! We do not need to resent the failures of our spouses because God promises to turn curses into blessings for us because He loves us (Deuteronomy 23:5). God knows how to take the very thing that the enemy hopes will destroy us and use it instead to prosper us (Genesis 50:20). Let God do that for you!

    Whether my husband got better or not, I could still work toward becoming healthier. … Being stuck in my victim role, dependent on Mark for my happiness, was making me angry and depressed. But choosing to align myself next to him on a parallel healing track felt purposeful and hopeful. (111-112)

    I don’t need the relationships around me to be perfect in order to be okay; I don’t need everyone to keep their act together for me to keep mine together; I don’t need to control you for me to be happy. My ‘okayness’ truly comes from the Lord and not my circumstances . . . .  My dependency is on God alone, which frees me to interact with others in love instead of in insecurity. (121)

    That is a truly Biblical perspective! When God is our Need-Meeter, we can succeed and flourish wherever God assigns us, and we can minister joyfully to the people that God puts around us.

    So, remember, when that little voice whispers in your ear that you aren’t strong enough or brave enough to go through this process, plead guilty and point to Jesus. . . . Yes, you are broken and terrified. . . . But remember: you are not doing this in your strength. Your hope is in the Lord. Your ‘help comes from the LORD’ (Ps. 121:2). The Lord God Almighty is on your side, and He will be victorious through you. For ‘with God all things are possible’ (Matt. 19:26). (139)

    My Concern about This Book

    Rosie devotes one chapter in her book to “the tools of recovery.” I agree that the principles of honesty, accountability, and support are very important components of successful recovery. However, some of the steps which Rosie mentions require the careful guidance of a trained counselor or therapist, and this should probably be communicated more clearly.

    Rosie does say that the first tool, disclosure, should not “be attempted without the supervision of an experienced third party” (67). This same caution needs to be given for the other tools of recovery, such as the tool of celibacy.

    Rosie writes: “Against the typical advice you may get …, a period of celibacy is highly recommended at the beginning of recovery. . . . The suggested time frame for celibacy is normally ninety days” (80, 81). I understand that in some situations, with professional guidance and support, this tool can be useful. But I am concerned that readers may try to use this tool on their own, only to find that it did more harm than good.

    But I am not a sex therapist, so I called my friend Dr. Jessica McCleese, who is a certified sex therapist, as well as a licensed clinical psychologist (www.BeFullyWell.com). She confirmed that the tools of recovery discussed in Fight For Love can be very helpful but definitely require professional supervision.

    While Dr. McCleese shared my concern about the recommendation of celibacy, she was even more concerned about the potential harms of unsupervised disclosure (which Rosie acknowledges). Dr. McCleese explained that details can be shared in disclosure which cause long-term damage and increased emotional pain. A trained therapist can filter the disclosure details so that what is shared is ultimately helpful and supports healing.

    Other Things I Like about This Book

    Rosie also includes a chapter to women who are struggling with porn themselves, as well as a final chapter with some excellent resources on porn-proofing children.

    I am very thankful that Rosie Makinney is giving women hope and courage in this critical battle. I am thankful, too, for her encouragement to create supportive groups, to fight porn together within local church bodies, and to be vigilant on behalf of our children.

    Book Giveaway

    If I may give a caution about using the recovery tools only with trained supervision, I believe Fight for Love can be a great encouragement to many. In fact, Manna For Marriage is giving away 3 copies of this book.

     If you would like to enter your name in the giveaway contest, simply leave a comment below and share this post. Three names will be selected at random on June 9, 2020.

    Blessings to you,
    Tami

    promotional images for the new book:

  • Encouragement for Hurting Husbands

    “Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities. Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls and a restorer of homes.” (Amos 9:11, NLT)

    I know that you are asking God to fulfill these words in your marriage, and I earnestly join you in that prayer, believing that God’s heart is strong for healing and reconciliation. But I also know that at this moment, you sense only cold silence and closed doors. 

    I want to encourage you that you are not alone in your pain, God is not discouraged, and His plan for your life is not in tatters. 

    “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” 
    (2 Corinthians 4:8-9, NIV)

    God is not limited by your emotions. You can feel low and yet have strong faith. As you set your will to follow God, He works powerfully through your yielded spirit. 

    “Therefore, since we do hold and engage in this ministry by the mercy of God …, we do not get discouraged (spiritless and despondent with fear) or become faint with weariness and exhaustion.”
    (1 Corinthians 4:1, AMPC)

    I pray that the following five truths will strengthen you today.

    1. God’s mighty purposes for your life and your marriage are not thwarted. 

    “I know that You can do anything and no plan of Yours can be thwarted.” (Job 42:2, HCSB)

    God is still using your marriage to draw you closer to Him. The Spirit is still using you to show those around you what God looks like. You have the opportunity to reveal God as a forgiving God, full of generous grace, unfailing commitment, and unconditional love. In fact, it is when our marriages are difficult that we are most able to demonstrate these awesome attributes of God.

    *

    And when our marriages are difficult, we are often able to see our own hearts better. When a spouse is warm and supportive, we may believe that we are more loving than we really are. “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours” is usually a  pleasant transaction, not a self-denying sacrifice. But when we serve a spouse without receiving appreciation or even acknowledgment, then our inner responses reveal our true motivation. 

    As others have pointed out, when we are treated like servants, we quickly learn whether we have servant’s hearts or not! When we are not receiving positive feedback, we have the privilege to serve purely for the sake of love.

    (Continue reading HERE at StartMarriageRight.com.)

    *Photo by FreelyPhotos from StockSnap

  • 12 Choices for An Extraordinary Marriage (Part Two)

    I invited my friend Kristen Hogrefe to share some of her insights into marriage as she and her husband recently celebrated their first wedding anniversary. (Learn more about Kristen’s talented writing and her award-winning novels at the end of this article.*)

    In this two-part series, Kristen explains 12 choices that create extraordinary marriages.

    Whether you are a newlywed or a seasoned spouse, practicing these guidelines will be a blessing in your home!

    by guest writer Kristen Hogrefe

    Last week, we saw six choices that can help make our first year of marriage—or any year, for that matter—extraordinary. Today, we’re going to look at six more. Whether you’re engaged, newly married, or married for decades, we can all start today, by God’s grace, to make our marriages the best they can be. (Read Part One HERE.)

    #7. Be interested in what interests your spouse.

    James tells me he’s read more books since meeting me than he has in the rest of his lifetime. That’s a credit to him for wanting to care about something that interests me. On the other hand, I’ve gotten into mountain biking because of him and really enjoy off-road biking now.

    I’m not saying you have to change your interests because of your spouse. Instead, you should expand them so that you each spend more time with your spouse doing something important to him or her. The impact on your relationship will be the best return you can make on any time investment.

    #8. Encourage time apart.

    Some couples become so absorbed in each other that they completely lose their identity and their friend groups, which is entirely unhealthy. You are still two people. Even though you have mutual friends and are each other’s favorite person in the world, he needs some time with the guys, and you need girl time. James has been wonderful about encouraging me to take a night out with my friends, and I’ve encouraged him to do the same. We’re both better for it.

    #9. Always give more and never keep score.

    Try to “out give” each other. This is a challenge I’m striving to practice. It means buying the brand of Fig Newtons he likes (even though I don’t) or putting his favorite chocolate chip cookies in the oven “just because.” It means looking extra special just for him or finding a fun way to surprise him.

    Secretly, I suspect James is practicing on me too. The other night, my stomach was upset, and even though we had both gone to bed, he offered to get up and get me some Tums and something to drink. (I didn’t want to get up, and I imagine he didn’t either.) But he did. Because loves cares about upset tummies.

    A marriage of two givers is a beautiful thing. 

    #10. Shoot the little foxes before they reproduce.

    “Catch us the foxes, The little foxes that spoil the vines, For our vines have tender grapes.” (Song of Solomon 2:15 NKJV)

    Solomon used foxes as a metaphor for any subtle little thing that tries to drive a wedge in your marriage. He understood that “little foxes” can damage tender relationships. Even the biggest fires start with a little flame.

    He said to catch the foxes. I say shoot them dead. I’m more convinced than ever that the Devil hates marriage and wants to stir up strife through any little thing he can get his hands on. She forgot to change out the toilet paper roll? So what. You’d have to replace it yourself if you were living alone. He forgot to take out the trash? Take it out yourself. Don’t let little things become big deals. 

    One practice that helps is by rehearsing all the kind things your spouse does. If I catch myself starting to complain about something, instead I remind myself, “He is such a good griller. He made me dinner last night.” Or, “I love that he helped me clean the house to get ready for my girlfriends.” Focusing on the positive puts any little annoyances in perspective.

    #11. Be your best self.

    One of the best gifts you can give your spouse is to take care of yourself physically and stay attractive. You’re doing yourself and your own sex drive a serious favor here too. There is no reason you should gain twenty pounds your first year of marriage, even if one of you is an exceptional cook. Don’t get “lazy” just because you no longer have to fit into a wedding dress. 

    I’m sorry/not sorry if I’m hurting any feelings here, because I feel so strongly about this point. As the Bible explains, your body isn’t your own any more. It’s your husband’s too (I Corinthians 7:4). He’s equally responsible for maintaining his body and health as well. No matter how you age or what changes your body goes through, never stop striving to be fit and healthy. That doesn’t mean you’ll be a super model, and please don’t even start comparing yourself to someone who looks like one. It just means you’ll be the best version of yourself.

    If you find yourself making an excuse right now, put a pin in it and instead ask, “What CAN I do?” Maybe you can join a gym together or keep each other accountable to eat fewer sweets. We all can do something. The key is consistency and accountability.

    #12. Have “an anointed adventure.”

    When we were doing marriage counseling, the pastor spoke about the need for “an anointed adventure.” In other words, our marriages should be about something greater than ourselves. He challenged us to think about what that adventure might look like for us.

    After talking and praying about it, James and I discovered ours. We want to love people well and have a home that feels like a haven or a welcoming place. Our dream is to one day live on a lake and create our own “retreat” environment. I’m not sure when that dream will be realized or what it will look like, but we’re practicing hospitality where we are right now.

    Every couple’s anointed adventure will be different, so don’t compare yours to someone else’s. Remember that God gifts everyone in different ways. Also remember that you and your spouse can still minister separately as well, but choose at least one area where you can serve together.

    Closing thoughts

    Looking back over our first year together, I almost feel the need to pinch myself at how wonderful it’s been. I want this joy to be yours too, and I hope some of these ideas will help. Of course, difficult times and disappointments will come and probably already have, but let’s always remember how blessed we are to have our spouses. They are a gift. Let’s treat them that way.

    What other choices and intentional investments have made a difference in your marriage? Please comment and share!

    *Kristen Hogrefe is an award-winning author and life-long learner who enjoys starting her day with Jesus and coffee. Kristen and her husband live in Florida, the perfect setting for their many outdoor adventures.

    Connect with Kristen at www.KristenHogrefe.com, where she challenges young adults and the young at heart to think truthfully and live daringly.

  • Resources for Celebrating Passover and Easter

    As we observe Passover this week, much of the world is sheltered in their homes, trying to stay safe until this deadly virus will PASS OVER. It reminds us that Christ-followers are sheltered in Jesus Christ, safely protected as spiritual death (separation from God) will PASS OVER us.

    How thankful we are for Jesus! Not only did He die for us, but He was resurrected to life again. If we accept the death of Christ on our behalf, then we can receive from Him the forever Life that He offers to us. We have much to celebrate!

    spring

    It has been a rich blessing in my family to celebrate Passover and Resurrection Sunday each year.  I hope that you will enjoy this special joy, too!

    If you have children in your home, be sure to make Resurrection Cookies! My daughter Valorie explains how to do that in this short video. Each step in the recipe teaches something about the Easter story.

    Below are some simple ways to celebrate Passover with preschoolers, children, or adults. (Much of this material comes from Simple Celebrations.) Also, at the end of this post, you will find short meditations to strengthen your marriage (or other relationships) each day of Holy Week.

    Celebrating Passover

    What it is:

    Passover is a rich, multilayered celebration. On the first Passover,  the blood from a flawless lamb protected God’s people from death.

    Fifteen hundred years later, the symbols of the Passover supper became reality as  the flawless Lamb of God, Jesus Christ, shed His blood on a cross to rescue us from spiritual death . And today,  every follower of Christ can experience a personal Passover, as we are rescued from spiritual slavery to enjoy friendship with God.

    Passover celebrates the fact that spiritual death passes over us, not touching us, as we commit to following Christ as Lord.

    How to prepare:

    1. Set a festive, colorful table. You may want to include two long taper candles.
    2. Set a glass of grape juice at each place.
    3. Place the following on each plate:
      • a parsley stalk
      • a piece of onion, or a bite of horseradish
      • a small serving of haroset (Combine applesauce, walnuts, and cinnamon—or use chunky applesauce, if your group has a nut allergy. The idea is create something that resembles mortar and that reminds us of the bricks which the Hebrew slaves were ordered to make.)
      • a small bowl of salt water (It is not necessary for each person to have a bowl if people can share.)
      • a piece of matzoh or a plain cracker
      • a bite of cooked lamb
    4. If you are using a Haggadah (a program) with your group, make a copy for each person, and put a copy at each place. Click here for a PDF of a Christian Passover program.

    You will need someone to be the leader, who will read most of the program. You may assign the shorter sections to others in your group–however you like. There are 23 reading sections. (Blank lines are provided so that you can write in the reader’s name at each numbered section.) The leader reads each section that is not otherwise assigned.

    How to celebrate with preschoolers:

    I like to begin by saying this: “I know that you have eaten a meal before. And I know that you have listened to a story before. But today, we are going to EAT A STORY!”

    In a way appropriate for your children, tell the story of the Exodus. When you talk about making bricks, eat the haroset, which reminds us of the mortar used in building.

    As you tell about the suffering of the slaves, dip the parsley into the salt water, and then have the children taste or eat it. Explain that this reminds us of tears because the Hebrew people were very sad.

    spring

    Have the children eat (or simply smell) the green onion, explaining that this, too, reminds us that the Hebrew slaves were sad because of the cruel things that Pharaoh did to them. Explain that we also are sad if we don’t know God and if we don’t know that He loves us.

    Explain that God sent Moses to rescue the Hebrew slaves. Moses told the people what to do, and God helped them to escape from Pharaoh.

    Let the children taste the lamb. Explain that everyone who belonged to God had a Passover lamb, and God took good care of everyone with a Passover lamb because they were His people.  We belong to God, and we have a Passover Lamb, too, because Jesus is like a Passover Lamb for us. God takes good care of us because we belong to Him.

    Show the children the “flat bread,” the matzoh. Explain that when God rescued the Hebrew slaves, they had to leave Egypt so quickly that they could not wait for their bread to rise. They had to eat flat bread. As the children eat the matzoh, express gratitude to God for helping us because He loves us.

    Explain that grape juice reminds us that God loves us so much that He would die for us! Say, “This juice is red (or purple), just like a valentine. This juice is like a valentine from God because it reminds us that God loves us very much.”

    Conclude with a short prayer, thanking God that He loves us very much, that we can belong to Him, and that He helps us because He loves us.

    How to celebrate with children:

    Here is a new script that works well with children. It takes 20-30 minutes, but it can easily be adapted for a shorter celebration, too.

    Celebrating Easter

    In Marriage

    As we reflect on the Scriptures concerning the death and resurrection of Christ, we can learn valuable truths for our marriages. Here are daily devotions with practical applications for each day of Holy Week:

    One more resource for your marriage: “The Power of a Torn Veil.” Jesus Christ invites us into a new covenant, a relationship based on giving instead of earning. In our marriages, it is easy to revert to old-covenant thinking (“you owe me!”), but it is healing and life-giving to fill our marriages with the grace of new-covenant thinking.

    Joyous celebrations to you!
    Tami

  • 12 Choices for an Extraordinary Marriage (Part One)

    choices

    I invited my friend Kristen to share some of her insights into marriage as she and her husband recently celebrated their first wedding anniversary. (Learn more about Kristen’s talented writing and her award-winning novels at the end of this article.*)

    In this two-part series, Kristen explains twelve choices that create extraordinary marriages. Whether you are a newlywed or a seasoned spouse, practicing these guidelines will be a blessing in your home!

    by guest writer Kristen Hogrefe

    Just over a year ago, my husband and I said “I do.” Like most new couples, we received lots of advice, and we welcomed what wisdom others had to share. 

    However, one recurring comment troubled me: “The first year of marriage is hard.” Although I understood that we would both have adjustments to make, I didn’t like this “survivalist” mentality. After all, Jesus came so that we could have life “more abundantly” (John 10:10), and surely that concept applied to marriage, part of His design. But what did I know?

    Well, I have good news. The first year of marriage doesn’t have to be hard. In fact, it can truly be extraordinary, but both husband and wife are responsible to each other to make it that way.

    #1. Agree that you married the right person.

    Once you say, “I do,” this one is signed, sealed, and delivered. In God’s eyes, that person is now the “right person” because you made a covenant before Him with this individual. You can’t make the excuse, “I married the wrong person.” The truth is that anyone you marry will disappoint or upset you at one point or another, and that reality doesn’t make him or her the “wrong person.” 

    In short, remove this excuse from your vocabulary. Resist the temptation to compare your spouse to any other person. It’s not a fair comparison, because you don’t know anyone’s strengths and weaknesses as well as your spouse’s. This person, complete with brokenness and beauty, is God’s plan for your life. Relish that reality and that privilege.

    #2. Be kind and thoughtful to each other.

    This one should be a no-brainer, but if the Apostle Paul felt the need to remind his readers, then more than likely we can use the reminder too. “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32 NKJV)

    Marriage brings adjustments. You each bring different life experiences and personal habits into the relationship. Instead of expecting the other person to be just like you, embrace the differences. Also, make room for changes.

    When we got married, James moved into my house. Realizing what a big change this would be for him, I rearranged and gave away furniture to make room for his. I also practiced saying “our home” instead of “my home” and tried to look for ways to incorporate his things. 

    Everyone’s situations are different, but during those first early weeks and months, be sensitive and aware of simple ways to make the transition smoother. When in doubt, ask what you can do.

    #3. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

    My husband and I marvel at how much other couples seem to fight. We’re redeemed sinners like every other Christian couple, but we don’t argue or yell at each other. If we disagree, we talk about it. If we’re having a bad day, we’re honest about it. If we mess up, we have to apologize.

    I remember having a particularly rough day at work. Coming out of my office, I found James working on his laptop and told him straight: “It’s been a tough day, babe, and I’m pretty upset about it. Just know that it has nothing to do with you.”

    Don’t make your spouse guess if you’re upset with him or not. Be transparent. Once James knew how I was feeling, he was able to lovingly support me through my emotions instead of wondering if he were somehow responsible for them.

    #4. Be realistic. Your spouse is not a mind-reader.

    Gals, this point is especially for us. We sometimes romanticize our spouses and expect them to know exactly what we want. That expectation is just not realistic. 

    A few months into our marriage, I kept seeing these posts from my girlfriends about their guys giving them flowers “just because.” I wished that James would do the same, but then I remembered something my brother once told me. “We guys aren’t mind-readers.”

    The next time James asked if there was something he could do for me, I simply said, “I’d really appreciate if you gave me flowers sometime. It might seem silly, but I’d love to get flowers from you.”

    He smiled and thanked me for telling him. “I didn’t realize how long it’s been since I got you flowers.” Guess what? He brought home flowers soon after that.

    #5. Have adventures together.

    I realize the wedding and honeymoon are expensive, but find ways to experience life together. James and I love to travel, so we’ll hunt for cheap-o flights, plan visits to see friends, or even just drive to the beach to watch the sunset. Adventures don’t have to be pricey. You just have to be intentional about planning them.

    The time you spend together sharing new or favorite experiences contributes to both of your “love tanks” and builds memories.

    #6. Grow together with Christian community and with Jesus.

    This one is so, so important. After we got married, we tried several Sunday school classes for couples until we found our Honeymooners class. There is something so precious about doing life with other couples who are walking in your shoes. Also, being intentional about learning together deepens your relationship and fosters healthy conversations. With our class, we’ve gone through Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace Academy and are currently in the Love and Respect series by Emerson Eggerichs.

    In addition to Christian community, husbands and wives should spend time together in God’s Word and alone with God. This year, James and I have been reading through the book of John and are looking forward to starting a new book soon. We also have our separate quiet times in our own ways. However, don’t fall into the trap of comparing your walk with God to your spouse’s. What matters is that you both invest in God’s Word and are committed to growing in your walk with the Lord, even if your approaches are different.

    Also important is that you consistently pray for your spouse. Two resources I’ve found helpful are Jennifer Smith’s 31 Prayers for Your Husband and The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian.

    Next time, we’ll look at six more choices couples can make to get their marriage off to a great start. For now, which of these ideas is most helpful to where you are right now?

    *Kristen Hogrefe is an award-winning author and life-long learner who enjoys starting her day with Jesus and coffee.

    Kristen and her husband live in Florida, the perfect setting for their many outdoor adventures. Connect with Kristen at www.KristenHogrefe.com, where she challenges young adults and the young at heart to think truthfully and live daringly.

  • Core Strengths for Marriage (Part Two)

    Although every marriage is different, there are four concepts that add immense strength to any marriage.  Last week, we looked at the strengths of honor and attentiveness (HERE). Today, we examine two more of these core strengths.

    3. Commitment. Many people think that the most important “C” in marriage is communication. Communication is important, certainly, but I think that commitment is even more essential.

    When you and your spouse are committed to one another, you gain a firm platform under your feet that allows you then to work on your communication or any other issue. Being committed to your marriage means that nothing on earth is more important than your relationship. Of course, you want your obedience to God to be your highest commitment, but your obedience to God motivates and strengthens your commitment to your marriage. 

    Even after exchanging vows on your wedding day, there are times when it is important to verbalize that commitment. When you and your spouse do not agree on the color of the carpet, it can be helpful to say, “I like the green, but I value you more than the carpet.”  Or when you are dealing with something more serious, it can be very stabilizing to say, “This is tough, but I am absolutely committed to you and to our marriage.” Speaking your commitment out loud reminds you both of what you truly value. (Continue reading HERE.)

    Today, I am honored to be guest writing again for my talented friend Kristen Hogrefe. Continue reading HERE to learn the essential strengths for any successful marriage (Part Two). You can read about the first two core strengths in Part One HERE.

  • Core Strengths for Marriage (Part One)

    Every marriage is unique with its own blend of personality styles, family backgrounds, and life circumstances. Even the “secrets to success” can vary from couple to couple.

    However, there are four concepts that add immense strength to any marriage. Relationships that build on these four principles will be resilient and healthy. However, couples who fail to establish these qualities in their homes can expect pain and crisis.

    Developing these core strengths will make all the difference in your marriage: honor, attentiveness, commitment, and kindness. 

    1. Honor. Learn to maintain an inner posture of honor toward your spouse. In your spirit, keep saluting your husband. In your spirit, keep bowing to your wife.

    Work on developing this discipline until it becomes your default position. There are no “days off” and no “time out” when it comes to honor. It is the oxygen in your marriage.

    Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. (Romans 12:10, NLT)

    Your spouse is created in the image of God. That was true on your wedding day, and regardless of how long you’ve been married, it is true today. And it will still be true on your most difficult days. Your spouse will always be worthy of honor because of the eternal spirit that God created him or her to be. (Continue reading HERE.)

    I am honored to be guest writing today and next week for my talented friend Kristen Hogrefe. Continue reading HERE to learn the four core strengths for any successful marriage (Part One).

  • Thank You

    If you are working to honor your marriage, then please allow me to say this to you:

    Thank you!

    On behalf of the entire Body of Christ, I thank you. Your faithfulness in marriage is a gift of strength to all of us. If you are honoring your marriage—whether your marriage is struggling or plodding or thriving—then you are blessing all of us.

    Each of our marriages has a significance that reaches far beyond just two individuals. As believers in Christ, we are like a mighty army, vitally connected to one another. When one “soldier” is struggling to hold his or her position, the others do not watch from a distance and say, “Sorry about that.” No, we send reinforcements; we fight together.

    And when one soldier successfully holds the assigned position, the entire army cheers because it is a shared victory. The army advances together.

    Our marriages form critically important spiritual ground. When one marriage struggles, the Body of Christ must respond as a united team, understanding that when one marriage suffers loss at the hand of the enemy, we all suffer loss.

    As you honor your marriage, you are doing nothing less than this: you are strengthening the Body of Christ. Honoring your marriage is not an unseen, insignificant gesture. It has immense, even eternal, spiritual force. Every marriage that reflects obedience to God is a place of victory for all of us.

    The marriages of Christ-followers are pivotal factors in the Kingdom of God. Evangelism advances on the platform of Christian marriages. We dare not pretend that our marriages are isolated and private. We must recognize that we have a common enemy, one who aggressively seeks to destroy marriages in an effort to damage the Body of Christ.

    We must sound the alarm to one another when we need reinforcement and encouragement. We must be willing to fight not only for our own marriages, but also for the marriages of others, for we are, indeed, members of one Body.

    When we have friends who are ready to give up on their marriages, let’s pour out encouragement to them to keep their promises made before God; let’s remind them of the immense value of their marriages. When someone walks away from his or her marriage in rebellion against God, let’s be willing to confront with love and to challenge with life-giving truth. There is much at stake.

    In the Old Testament, Nehemiah encouraged the people of God to work together and to fight together as they rebuilt the wall around Jerusalem that had been damaged by the enemy. Nehemiah wrote:

    Then as I looked over the situation, I called together the nobles and the rest of the people and said to them, “Don’t be afraid of the enemy! Remember the Lord, who is great and glorious, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes!”
    (Nehemiah 14:4, NLT)

    I want every couple around me to know that I will fight with them for their marriages—fight by encouraging them, by cheering for them, and by kneeling beside them in prayer.

    If you are willing to fight with others, let the people around you know that. Remind them that their marriages are worth fighting for, and then join them in that fierce-but-noble fight.

    On behalf of the entire Body of Christ, I thank you.

    This article first appeared on StartMarriageRight.com.

  • The Love Chapter (Adapted from 1 Corinthians 13)

    The Love Chapter (Adapted from 1 Corinthians 13)

    1 Corinthians 13*

    If I speak to my spouse using tactful “I feel” messages and skillful conflict-resolution strategies, but I do not love, I am like a clanging cymbal or a car alarm that won’t shut off.

    And even if I have an advanced degree in marriage counseling and understand the mysteries of why people do what they do and have all knowledge of psychology, and even though I read a mountain of books on relationships, if I do not love, I am nothing.

    And though I bestow all my good efforts to fulfill my duties, and though I burn up every drop of energy in being a great spouse, if I do not love, I gain nothing.

    hearts of love

    Love is patient even when a spouse does not change. Love is kind even when a spouse is thoughtless. Love does not envy someone else’s marriage. Love is not impressed with its own marriage skills.

    Love does not save its best manners for company but instead uses its “fine china” manners with a spouse, treating him or her with honor every day. Love does not insist on getting its own way but works to see things from another’s perspective. Love is not irritable or exasperated. (You cannot get its goat!)

    Love keeps no record of wrongs because love does not take offense. Love does not see a spouse’s failures or sins as personal affronts. Love knows that a spouse sins against God and against God alone (Psalm 51:4). Love forgives and refuses victim mentality (Proverbs 12:16, Ephesians 4:32).

    Love refuses to think resentful thoughts about a husband or wife; instead, love insists on seeing what is good and giving thanks. Love does not delight in any threat to the relationship, but rejoices in what heals and strengthens the marriage.

    couple in love

    Love always protects a spouse (his or her ultimate good), always believes that a spouse is priceless and made in the image of God, always trusts the promises of God, and always is confident that God’s grace is deeper than any need. Love never shuts its heart, never forsakes its covenant commitment, and never rejects a spouse.

    couple in love

    Love never fails. But prophecies that “you should move on with your life” will fail; the tongues that call your spouse “a jerk” will cease; and the knowledge that “you deserve better than this” will vanish away.

    When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became married, I had to put away childish things, such as name-calling and pouting and choosing what feels easy.

    For now we see through a hazy glass, and there is much that we do not understand about our spouses, about ourselves, or about God’s ways; but then, face to face with God, we will know fully what glorious things He has been doing through our marriages, just as He knows fully how to love us well now.

    Scrabble letters spell L-O-V-E

    And now faith, hope, and love remain; but the greatest of these is love.

    *adapted from various translations of 1 Corinthians 13, including the KJV, AMP, AMPC, NLT, and NIV

  • Suffering is Never for Nothing (a new book by Elisabeth Elliot)

    For many years, Elisabeth Elliot had a daily radio broadcast called, “Gateway to Joy.” A gateway to joy sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? But this short title came from a statement that Elisabeth often made: “The cross is the gateway to joy.”

    Wait. A cross?

    That isn’t the gateway to joy that we were looking for! But I guess that explains why we have been searching without finding because the Cross truly is the gateway to joy.

    Although Elisabeth Elliot passed away in 2015, a new book by Elisabeth was published this year by B&H Publishing. Entitled Suffering is Never for Nothing, this book is the transcription of a series of talks which Elisabeth presented many years ago at a small conference. Focused on the topic of suffering, the six messages which she shared that weekend are now the six chapters of this new book.

    Foreword

    I was eager to read this section because it is written by Joni Tada, whom I appreciate immensely. Joni relates that when she was a young woman, she asked Elisabeth Elliot to preview a book which Joni was writing in which she listed 35 biblical reasons for suffering. When Elisabeth told Joni that her explanations were “a bit technical,” Joni says that she felt crushed (viii). However, after Joni experienced even more suffering in her own life, she came to appreciate Elisabeth’s perspective.

    I think the truth that these two God-fearing women insist upon is this: there is a mystery to God-ordained suffering that must remain a mystery on this side of heaven. Job never knew why he suffered as he did; but he learned to be at peace, confident that he could trust God.

    Chapter 1: “The Terrible Truth”

    The terrible truth is that there is suffering. Suffering is our current reality.

    The question remains, is God paying attention? If so, why doesn’t He do something? I say He has, He did, He is doing something, and He will do something. (13)

    The deepest things that I have learned in my own life have come from the deepest suffering. (9)

    The subject can only be approached by the cross. … The very worst thing that ever happened in human history turns out to be the very best thing because it … saves the world. (13)

    Chapter 2: “The Message”

    The message is this: God is with us, and we can trust His character. We don’t need to understand when we can trust (77). When we suffer, we can trust the One who has suffered for us.

    God, through my own troubles and sufferings, has not given me explanations. But He has met me as a person, as an individual, and that’s what we need. (23)

    For myself, I have found great comfort in knowing that there is an answer to our suffering even though I do not now know what it is. It gives me peace to know that there is an answer that is sufficient and satisfying to the One who is all-wise, all-powerful, and all-loving. I rest in that!

    Elisabeth emphasizes that her faith would have disintegrated” if she had demanded “a particular kind of answer” from God concerning her suffering. Instead, her faith was “founded on the character of God Himself” (26). In other words, we interpret our circumstances according to God’s love, not the other way around. We do not know why we suffer, but we do know that God’s love is lavish, unfailing, and absolutely trustworthy.

    Chapter 3: “Acceptance”

    Elisabeth stresses that acceptance is “the key to peace in … suffering” (40). We can accept whatever God brings because we are confident of His love. Right now, our job is to trust and obey; later on, it will be our forever joy to understand (John 13:7).

    Here is one of my favorite statements in the whole book:

    The love of God … is a willed and inexorable [unstoppable and relentless] love that will command nothing less than the very best for us. The love of God wills our joy. I think of the love of God as being synonymous with the will of God. (41)

    I love that! When we know that God is actively loving us into our maxxed-out joy, we can accept suffering (which we do not understand) because of God’s goodness (which we trust). (Read more about the goodness of God HERE.)

    The will of God is love. And love suffers. … Love is always inextricably bound with sacrifice. (41)

     We are not adrift in chaos. We’re held in the everlasting arms. (44).

    Chapter 4: “Gratitude”

    The next step, after accepting God’s will, is to express gratitude. Elisabeth says that gratitude is a shortcut to knowing God. Gratitude reminds us that we “are not adrift in a sea of chaos” (67).

    So, what is there to be grateful for in the midst of suffering? Well, God is still love. … God is still God. … Before the foundation of the world, He knew [about this situation]. So He wasn’t taken by surprise. Love still wills my joy. (67)

    Gratitude is important because it honors God and because it prepares the way for God to show His salvation (Psalm 50:23).  Expressing gratitude to God helps us to enter the Presence of God (Psalm 100).

    It is in these very situations which are so painful … that thanksgiving can prepare the way for God to show us His salvation. (74)

    Certainly, that is true! When you treasure the Lord in places of darkness, the treasures of God are revealed to you (Isaiah 45:3).

    Elisabeth shares her “amazement and delight” in learning that the Hebrew word for burden “is the same word as the word for gift” (72).  She says, “If I thank God for this very thing which is killing me, I can begin dimly and faintly to see it as a gift” (73).

    Chapter 5: “Offering”

    Realizing that a burden is also being a gift leads well into this fifth chapter, which is the meatiest of all, I think. There are three main points:

    1. Everything we have is given to us as a gift.

    gift

    Elisabeth says:

    Everything in my life I begin to see as a gift, and I do mean everything.… even my widowhood. I began very slowly to recognize … that it was within the context of widowhood that God wanted me to glorify Him. … It was something that God not only allowed, but in a very real sense, He had given me because He had something else in mind. And this was a gift not just for me, but also for the life of the world…. (76-77)

    2. Everything we have is something to offer back to God as a sacrifice. All that we have can be offered up to God “for the life of the world” (82). Everything “is potential material for sacrifice” (84).

    I appreciate the fact that Elisabeth includes her painful feelings and her negative emotions in this “everything” which is material for sacrifice. For example, Elisabeth was often asked how she handled loneliness in her life. She always explained that she could not handle loneliness—or discouragement, or despair. But she could offer it as a sacrifice to the Lord. Her loneliness became an offering to the One who could handle it (84).

    3. Our greatest offering is obedience (77). The “highest form of worship is obedience” (86).

    Here is a great truth: “there is no consolation like obedience” (87). We forget that, don’t we? Yet how much comfort we could gain if we believed this!

    Through our obedience in the midst of our suffering, we become like “broken bread and poured out wine for the life of the world” (87). That gives our lives rich meaning and high purpose, does it not?

    Our lives are evaluated not by how much we accumulate or accomplish but rather by how much we give. The most important measure of our lives is what we sacrifice through our offerings of love and obedience. As Elisabeth concludes this section on offerings, she shares this quote by Ugo Bassi: “Measure your life by loss and not by gain, not by the wine drunk, but by the wine poured out. For love’s strength standeth in love’s sacrifice …” (89).

    Chapter 6: “Transfiguration”

    Elisabeth discusses the principle of transfiguration, the perspective of transfiguration, and the paradoxes of transfiguration.

    If we receive the things that God wants to give us, if we thank Him for them and if we make those things an offering  back to God, then this is what’s going to happen—transfiguration. (93)

    As we pour ourselves out for others, we find that we ourselves are strengthened (Isaiah 58). Elisabeth calls this the principle of transfiguration. As Proverbs 11:25 says, “He who waters will himself be watered.”

    Life comes out of death, just as a seed must be buried in the ground in order to bring a great harvest.

    Our perspective is transfigured through suffering. As we endure, we begin to see “Him who is unseen” (Hebrews 11:27). We begin to understand that our suffering is achieving true glory.

    All of this, of course, involves profound paradox. God is a transforming God. He turns deserts in springs, ashes into beauty, mourning into joy, and humiliation into glory (104).

    We are privileged to offer to God all that we are and all that we have and all that we suffer. God then transforms this sacrifice “for the life of the world”; and He transfigures us into men and women of joy.

    There is … no redemptive work done anywhere without suffering. (104)

    Suffering is never for nothing.

  • What Does “God is Good” Really Mean?

    What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.
    A. W. Tozer

    As Christ-followers, we believe is that God is good.

    That statement is far more than a simple cliché: it is a critical dividing line!

    This belief distinguishes angels from demons. The confidence that God is good separates joy-filled believers from joy-less believers, and victorious Christians from defeated ones.

    From the beginning of human history, we have been tempted to doubt the goodness of God.

    Even when we recognize God’s goodness as a fact in our theology, we often struggle to trust that goodness as a reality in our daily lives.

    We know that “God is good” does not mean that He grants our every whim like a genie in a magic lamp. But what does it mean?

    Here are several realities created by the abundant goodness of God.

    1.  “God is good” means that every drop of suffering that we yield to Him will gain a far greater weight of glory (2 Corinthians 4:17). Ultimately, God redeems all suffering that is given to Him. Our redeemed suffering will bring a joy and inner thriving to us that will overflow our pain.

    *

    “God is good” means that God knows how to turn our suffering inside-out into well-being and delight.

    The LORD your God turns curses into blessings for you because He loves you.
    Deuteronomy 23:5

    “God is good” means that God will take the ashes of our lives and replace them with the beauty of Abundant Life. In exchange for the despair and heaviness of our hearts, He gives us the oil of gladness (Isaiah 61:3).

    "God is good"
    *

    2. “God is good” means that if we could see now what God sees, we would not change one thing in what God is doing, how He is doing it, or when He is doing it. We would not resist Him. Instead of grumbling, protesting, or dragging our feet, we would join Him wholeheartedly!

    If we could see now what God sees, we would rejoice that He is working perfectly in our lives. And someday, when we do see all that God has done, we are not doing to be disappointed! We are going to be overwhelmed at the splendor and excellence of it all. 

    *

    3. The goodness of God means that we always have reason for joy. We can always go forward with hope. The goodness of God is greater than our greatest sorrow, and His goodness is deeper than our deepest disappointment.

    4. “God is good” means that God is fully attentive to us, His children. He is always motivated by absolute love; He is never limited in His strength or ability; and He is always guided by perfect wisdom. Without fail, God loves us well.

    "God is good"
    *

    5. “God is good” means that God does not lie. He keeps His promises. Whether we are single or married–whatever our circumstances are–God is not late. He is never negligent or forgetful.

    6. “God is good” means that God does not react to us out of fatigue, exasperation, impatience, wounded ego, defensiveness, spite, or misunderstanding. God responds to us in wisdom and love.

    *

    7. “God is good” means that we can cast ourselves on His goodness, trusting His commands, and trusting our well-being to Him. We can trust Him in the frustrations, disappointments, and sorrows of life. As we focus on treasuring Christ, we allow His goodness to be comfort, sweetness, and strength to us.

    "God is good"
    *

    The LORD be exalted, who delights in the well-being of his servant.
    Psalm 35:27, NIV

    8. “God is good” means that if something will  truly bless us, then we will have it! It is the heart of God to maximize our forever joy and to nurture our well-being. God does not withhold blessing (Psalm 84:11).

    "God is good"
    *

    God is always way ahead of us when it comes to blessing us! God’s desire to bless us is greater than our desire to be blessed. When we are yielded to God, any temporary lack in our lives is always making way for something greater.

    9. The goodness of God shields us (Psalm 31:19). In our marriages and families, we are surrounded by things that are not good. We feel knocked down at times by the things that people say or do that are not good. But God’s goodness stabilizes us. His goodness protects us so that our hearts stay clean and our spirits stay healthy. The goodness of God keeps us from sinking into bitterness or discouragement.

    10. “God is good” means that when we suffer according to God’s will, God makes it His suffering, and He carries the weight of it (Matthew 11:28-30).

    "God is good"
    *

    11. “God is good” means that even though we do not know exactly why God allows certain things, we do know that there is an answer! There is a good answer that will not only make sense to us but which will fully satisfy us and cause us to rejoice. Sometimes it is enough just to know that there is such an answer.

    12. “God is good” means that God will maintain His excellencies and glories as a perfect God. We are utterly dependent on Him, so it is wonderful to know that He is committed to maintaining His strength, His wisdom, and His holiness.

    "God is good"
    *

    LORD, we are in awe of You! You are far greater than we can know, not just in wisdom and knowledge, but in utter goodness.

    We delight in your goodness, Lord!  We celebrate your abundant goodness (Psalm 145:7). Your goodness is the song that dispels the dissonance of evil.

    Lord, today we trust Your goodness. We rest in Your goodness. Like Your people in Nehemiah 9:25, we revel in Your great goodness.

    In the Name of Christ we pray. Amen.

    **This material first appeared on the Manna For Marriage prayer call on June 13, 2019.

  • (Video) Interview: Brain Science, Joy, & Marriage

    What is the greatest motivator in life?
    What does brain science tell us about joy?
    How can we trigger the circuitry in our brains so that our marriages are strengthened?

    These are some of the questions that Chris Coursey answers during a fascinating conversation about his new book, co-authored with Marcus Warner: The 4 Habits of Joy-filled Marriages. Chris shares many helpful insights and practical suggestions for increasing the joy in our marriages.

    You will enjoy watching this interview!

    You can learn more about this encouraging book HERE.

    Book Giveaway

    If you would like to enter the drawing for a free copy of this book, be sure to comment below (or HERE) by June 23.

    God bless you as you build joy in your relationships!
    Tami

  • How to Increase the Joy in Your Marriage

    Do you know the 4 habits that will fill your marriage with joy?

    Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey have written an intriguing new book entitled, The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages.

    joy

    I love the underlying premise of this book: You can build joy into your marriage. Without trying to fix everything in the past, and without trying to control your spouse, you can take definite, positive action to increase the joy in your relationship. How encouraging! Many couples need that kind of hope.

    Brain science, joy, and marriage

    In this book, the authors explain that recent discoveries in brain science demonstrate how these four habits stimulate joy and build stronger bonds in marriage. The explanations are neither technical nor detailed, but they are interesting and motivating.

    Although this book is short and easy-to-read, it includes a separate chapter on each of the four habits, as well as many practical activities for couples to do together. These exercises show “how 15 minutes a day will help you stay in love,” as the subtitle of the book claims. These activities are designed to build connection and boost joy in any marriage—including yours!

    The four habits that enhance joy

    1. Play together. It is easy to get caught-up in the busyness of married life and to neglect the core of healthy marriage, which is friendship. But if you are willing to be intentional and to invest the time and effort, you can strengthen your friendship … and amplify your joy.

    joy

    2. Listen for emotion. Truly listening to one another is a great gift in any marriage, but learning to listen for emotions is even more powerful. You can learn to hear your spouse’s emotion, validate it, and then provide comfort (in that order). This is the type of listening that will create the biggest joy-boost in your marriage.

    3. Appreciate daily. Even more than saying “thank you,” taking the time to experience genuine appreciation will expand your joy dramatically.

    4. Nurture rhythms. Schedule regular times in your calendar to connect and relax with your spouse. “As you learn to start your day relationally, end your day relationally, and schedule regular times for relational connection, your capacity for joy will dramatically increase and your margin for rest will follow suit” (106).

    joy

    A helpful guideline

    The authors repeated a phrase several times in this book which I think is a great principle:

    Keep your relationship bigger than the problem.

    When a problem is overwhelming your friendship, take time to prioritize your marriage. Tell your spouse that you value your relationship more than anything else. It is usually best to put a problem aside until you stabilize the relationship.

    If you would like to fill your marriage with joy, you will love this little book! You will learn that you can change your relational posture and that you can recalibrate your brain to experience greater joy.

    A book giveaway

    Which of the four habits grabs your attention the most?  If you would like to enter the drawing for a copy of this book, leave a comment below by June 23. One winner will be selected at random and will receive a paperback copy of The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages, compliments of Northfield Publishing.

    Coming soon…

    Next week, I will be posting a video interview with Chris Coursey, co-author of The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages, so be sure to watch for that HERE!

    Joy to you,
    Tami

    (If you missed the interview with Ron and Jody Zappia as they discussed The Marriage Knot, you can view that HERE.)



  • The Power of a Torn Veil: Tetelestai

    Tetelestai.

    The last word that Jesus spoke before dying on the cross means, “It is finished.” The atoning work of Christ is complete. Our immense debt to God is paid in full.

    While Jesus was hanging on a cross outside Jerusalem, a thick curtain was hanging inside the Jewish temple. This ornate veil marked a solemn boundary: the curtain was a physical barrier representing the spiritual separation between God and people. Some claimed that this curtain was so thick—maybe four inches thick—that horses could not have torn it apart.

    But when Christ died, God tore that veil apart from top to bottom. Through His own torn body, Jesus opened the way to God. He made Himself the door into the heart of God.

    When God tore the curtain, He was throwing open the entrance into His presence, inviting us all to rich relationship with Him: “Come in, come in!”

    Tetelestai. The old covenant is finished.

    The old covenant is the system in which we must earn our acceptance. We must prove ourselves. In the old system, there are rewards and relationship for those who keep the rules, and there are punishments and separation for those fail.

    But Christ said, “Tetelestai.” The old covenant is finished. We have a new way now, a way of receiving instead of earning.

    God gives us relationship. He gives us acceptance. He gives us warm welcome. He gives us honor. He gives us unfailing love.

    welcome sign; tetelestai

    God says to us, “Tetelestai. No more earning. Come in, come in!” What a fantastic thing to hear!

    Tetelestai transforms our lives, entirely.

    And tetelestai can transform our marriages—entirely.

    Very often, we put our spouse in the defendant’s seat while we climb to the judge’s bench. We stay busy and vigilant as both judge and prosecutor. Has my spouse earned my kindness? Has she earned my attention? Has he earned my respect? Has he earned my acceptance?

    We feel compelled to oversee justice before providing relationship, so we continually monitor our spouse’s behavior, measure our approval or displeasure, and mete out the consequences. All of these relational transactions drain our energy and dampen our enjoyment. Our marriages begin to carry more duty than delight.

    But there is a better way! We can say to our spouse, “Tetelestai! No more earning my love. I give you acceptance. I give you my commitment.”

    "open" sign on door; tetelestai

    We are no longer in the courtroom with God. Let’s not live in the courtroom with our spouse.

    We can tear that thick curtain of rejection and separation, and say, “Come into relationship with me. I give you unconditional love. I give you unconditional respect.”

    In the new covenant, love and respect are gifts, not wages. When we are in a covenant of grace with a husband or wife, these gifts are not for earning; they are for giving and for receiving.

    Of course, this does not mean enabling sin or condoning abuse. That would violate both love and respect. Often, there are harmful behaviors which a couple must address. But even difficult confrontation is best motivated by love, and healthy boundaries are best implemented with respect.

    Here’s the thing: God lets us choose our covenant, old or new.

    When we demand that others earn our love, our respect, and our forgiveness, then we are choosing to live in old covenant ways of earning. Those who refuse to forgive others may find that they are also refusing the forgiveness of God for themselves—because God lets us choose the covenant that we want to live in and that we want to govern our lives.

    But if we give love, respect, and forgiveness without demanding that others earn it, then we can join God in offering the new covenant of grace. “Come in, come in!”

    For [Christ] himself is our peace, who has made the two [of us into] one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one [flesh] out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of [us] to God through the cross, by which he put to death [our] hostility.

    Ephesians 2:14-16, NIV

  • An Interview with Ron and Jody Zappia (video): The Marriage Knot

    Marriage Knot

    It was a pleasure for me to interview Ron and Jody Zappia today as they explained “the seven choices that keep couples together.” As you watch this video, you will hear what those marriage-changing choices are, and you will also learn more about the Zappias’ own personal story of a marriage-in-crisis that God transformed as a marriage-in-Christ.

    Marriage Knot; Zappia

    You can read more about all of this in Ron and Jody’s new book, published by Moody, called The Marriage Knot. There is much wisdom in this easy-to-read, practical book, which I reviewed recently on MannaForMarriage (HERE).

    I pray that this interview will be an encouragement to you!

    An Interview with Ron and Jody Zappia: The Marriage Knot

  • A Marriage Q & A (Part Two)

    Recently, my friend Kristen Hogrefe asked me several questions about marriage as she prepares for her wedding in just a few days. I was happy to share with Kristen some of the things that I have learned during thirty years of marriage.

    marriage

    Last week, Kristen posted Part One of our marriage question-and-answer on her website; and today, she is posting Part Two. Here are today’s questions from the bride:

    Bride: Forgiveness is something couples must generously extend, but, of course, that’s not always easy to do in the heat of the moment. What has helped you to be more forgiving as a wife?

    Bride: Do you have any resources you’d recommend to engaged or newly married couples? What are some of the resources you offer on your website MannaForMarriage.com?

    To read the article, please continue reading at Kristen’s website HERE.

    Have you entered the book giveaway for The Marriage Knot? Learn about this new marriage book and enter your name for the giveaway HERE.

    Marriage Knot

    Blessings to you,
    Tami

  • The Marriage Knot: 7 Choices that Keep Couples Together

    Ron and Jody Zappia were still newlyweds when their marriage began to unravel. Stunned by the crisis, they committed themselves to learning how to tie the knot of marriage so that it would hold them together for a lifetime. Almost thirty years of marriage later, Ron and Jody are sharing what they have learned in their new book by Moody Publishers, The Marriage Knot: 7 Choices That Keep Couples Together.

    The Zappias learned that the marriage knot is not simply tied at the wedding altar and then forgotten. The knot must be strengthened through “everyday choices,” practices which we can learn from the Scriptures (21). “Choices” is the optimal word here because marital success is based not on the whims of our emotions but rather on the decisions of our will. Love is not something that happens to us; it is something we choose to practice.

    Marriage Knot

    The Zappias list seven choices that we can make to strengthen our marriage bond:

    1. The choice to grow spiritually
    2. The choice to love unconditionally
    3. The choice to serve sacrificially
    4. The choice to please (physically) regularly
    5. The choice to persevere persistently
    6. The choice to communicate respectfully
    7. The choice to bless abundantly

    That does seem to cover everything! ?

    Ron discusses each choice in a separate chapter. At the end of each chapter, Jody shares a few comments from her perspective. Although Jody’s sections are very short, they are significant contributions to the book.

    Whenever I blog about new marriage books, my goal is not so much to critique the writing or even to evaluate the book as it is to glean items that may be encouraging or helpful to you. There is much in this book to do just that, beginning with the title itself and the core premise of the book. It is important for husbands and wives to remember that marital unity must be strengthened every day. We either reinforce or weaken our marriage ties day by day and choice by choice.

    Marriage Knot

    Like a three-stranded braid, your marriage is woven together as you move toward God and toward your spouse.  You move toward God by trusting Him and obeying Him, and you move toward your spouse by forgiving and connecting.

    Here are some “gleanings” from The Marriage Knot:

    Introduction

    Your “marriage is your greatest tool to be a witness for Christ in this world. It is your greatest testimony to bring other people to a knowledge of God, to introduce His power, grace, strength, and love.” (21)

    Choose to Grow Spiritually

    Regular “church attendance decreases your chances of divorce anywhere from 25 to 50 percent.” (34)

    Choose to Love Unconditionally

    We need to “learn to accept the other and live with glaring shortcomings. That’s called loving acceptance. Sometimes marriage is about learning to manage the tension rather than completely alleviating it.” (51)

    “If you’re having trouble in your relationship, I guarantee you’re having trouble with forgiveness.” (58)

    “Being unforgiving can be like a hot coal in the palm of your hand. The tighter you squeeze, the more it burns.” (58-59)

    Even when you can’t trust your spouse, you can still focus on loving him or her. (63)

    Choose to Serve Sacrificially

    When Satan tempted the first couple in the Garden of Eden, “Adam took a step back when he should have stepped forward.” And Eve “took a step forward when she should’ve taken a step back.” (69)

    Men, stop “guilt-tripping yourself for not being the spiritual giant you think you ought to be. Be done with that. Simply commit to do your part in the spiritual growth process and watch God work!” (73)

    Choose to Please Regularly

    “Satan likes a marriage without sex as much as sex without a marriage.” (96)

    “Hopelessness is never from God, only from the enemy, and the withholding of sexual intimacy is what invites the enemy into your struggling marriage. It’s not a good plan.” (98)

    Premarital sex tells your partner that it is “okay to have sex outside of marriage.” (106)

    Choose to Persevere Persistently

    Sometimes God “wants us to remain under life’s weight to produce something in us that we can’t produce in ourselves.” (115)

    Choose to Communicate Respectfully

    “When it comes to your marriage: your speck is always a log, and your spouse’s log is always the speck.” (136)

    “’Be careful with your words: once they are said, they can only be forgiven, not forgotten’.” (137)

    Choose to Bless Abundantly

    “Prayer is the greenhouse of hope!” (153)

    Praying with your spouse “creates an intimacy that precious few will ever experience.” (153)

    Moody Publishers is graciously offering a complimentary copy of The Marriage Knot to one reader of MannaForMarriage. If you would like to receive a paperback copy of The Marriage Knot, leave a comment below by March 28, 2019, to be entered into the drawing. (Be sure that I am able to contact you for your mailing address if you win.)

    May God bless you as you make the choices each day which will strengthen your marriage knot.
    Tami

  • A Marriage Q & A (Part One)

    Recently, my friend Kristen Hogrefe asked me several questions about marriage as she prepares for her wedding in just a few days. She recognizes that preparing for a lifelong marriage is more important than preparing for a wedding event, as exciting as that is! Having been on this journey myself for over thirty years, I am happy to share some of the things I have learned (and still am learning) along the way.

    Here are the first three questions:

    Bride: Opposites do attract, and my fiancé and I are no exception! What advice can you give to help us celebrate these differences instead of resenting them?

    Bride: So often, I hear, “The first year is extremely hard.” Do you agree or disagree, and why?

    Bride: Perhaps because I’m getting married in my thirties, I don’t have the “rose-colored-glasses” view that a teen or twenty-something might have. Instead, I’ve seen enough life and marriage struggles to know marriage isn’t always easy. What encouragement can you offer the new bride?

    I am honored that Kristen is sharing her questions and my responses in two guest posts on her personal blog, where Kristen encourages her readers “to think truthfully and live daringly.” The first article appeared on her website today, and Part Two will be published next week.

    To read our Q and A exchange, continue reading HERE.

  • Recommended Resources

    Life-Changing

    The Marriage Builder: Creating True Oneness to Transform Your Marriage

    Important Basics

    Love and Respect

    The Five Love Languages

    Don’t try to do marriage without understanding the concepts in these two highly practical, easy-to-read books.

    Other Favorites

    Sacred Marriage

    Grace Filled Marriage
    The Meaning of Marriage
    This Momentary Marriage

    Books for Wives

    Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands
    Radiance: Secrets to Thriving in Marriage

    Praying for Your Husband from Head to Toe

    Free Online Videos

    Michael and Cindy Easley have created 11 short videos in which they discuss Biblical marriage, becoming one in marriage, and fighting fair.

    Weekend Getaway

    You don’t want to miss a Weekend to Remember! Three million people have experienced this marriage getaway, which begins on a Friday evening and concludes at noon on Sunday. These FamilyLife events are held at resort hotels throughout the year (around 100 events each year). 

    When you attend a Weekend to Remember, you will hear excellent speakers sharing their own stories and teaching on Biblical marriage. You will also enjoy some high-quality time with your spouse. 

    When you register, be sure to use the MannaForMarriage group code for a $100 discount!

    Find your getaway HERE.

  • Peace for the Storm-Tossed Family

    Quite frankly, I wasn’t eager to read about “the storm-tossed family.”

    But as I began to read Russell Moore’s latest book, I had to restrain myself from bombarding a friend with texted pictures of underlined passages from the book.

    You may not be eager to read about the tossing of a storm, but you will definitely want to learn “how the cross reshapes the family,” which is the subtitle of The Storm-Tossed Family. Published by B&H Books, this new book on marriage and family is excellent.

    Family as Problem, and Family as Solution

    Moore’s opening premise is that just as storm clouds bring life-giving rain as well as devastating floods, so our families can bring to us our greatest joys as well as our deepest sorrows. The same waters that threaten to drown us can become the waters that float our boat.

    storm-tossed family

    “The family is not only part of the problem, … but part of the solution” (page 30). Eve’s first son murdered her second, but another Son rescues us all.

    God uses His design of family to heal our families. Our marriages and families are torn apart with conflict and cruelty until we are born into God’s family, where we are loved with the lavish affection of the Father and the friendship of spiritual brothers and sisters. Through covenant vows, we receive a glorious Bridegroom, Jesus Christ. We look forward to celebrating at a Wedding Feast and living “happily ever after.”

    Family as Spiritual Warfare

    Moore recognizes that the family is the battleground for spiritual warfare. Our objective is not escape; it is victory. This is a battle worth fighting, and it is a war we can win.

    How then shall we live in our families so that our joys are eternal instead of elusive? How can we navigate our lives so that our burdens are redemptive instead of destructive? The answer is found in the cross. Like the family sometimes, the cross is a place of pain and rejection, but it is also the door to joy and connection.

    Living Crucified Lives

    A cross-shaped home is an intriguing concept, but it is much more than that. Learning to incarnate the gospel in our own lives is the most important thing we can do. Many see the cross as a relic of the past, but if we are to experience transformation in the present, we must recognize that the cross is our constant pattern for daily living.

    How does the cross shape us as children and siblings, as spouses and parents? I think we live cruciform lives in three ways.

    1. We live cross-shaped lives as we continually die to our own self-will. Our own will is not necessarily sinful, but clinging to it always is.

    2. The gospel transforms us so that we can love others sacrificially: we are willing to suffer for the benefit of another. We are willing to be wounded so that others may be healed.  As we suffer willingly and forgive generously, we re-enact the gospel.

    3. The gospel renews our thinking so that we can receive our burdens as blessings. God knows how to use the snarled threads in our marriages and families to untangle the knots in our own souls.

    God-ordained suffering is always redemptive, which means that God uses it to reverse the curse in the world and in our lives personally. When our spirits are yielded to God, our hardships will always prosper us spiritually. In the Hands of God, our suffering will not deprive us, demean us, or deform us; instead, it will deliver us. It will heal us and enrich us.

    The cross of suffering is not an obstacle to joy for those who crucify their self-centeredness there: instead, the cross is the very means to joy. The invitation to pick up our cross (“come and die”) is the invitation to intimacy with God Himself and the invitation to share His joy.

    Core Issues

    I am thrilled to see fantastic truths about marriage being shared in this book, and I pray that its much-needed message will reach a huge audience. I appreciate Moore’s understanding of the unique partnership within the covenant of marriage, and I am delighted to read his discussions of masculinity and femininity, which are favorite topics of mine. Although I don’t agree with Moore on everything, I recommend this book as one of the best on marriage.

    This book does not list “five tips for resolving conflict” or “six things you should never say to your wife.” Those things may be helpful, but they are secondary issues. (For those who are familiar with Radiance, you will understand when I say that The Storm-Tossed Family deals with mattress issues, not sheets.)

    The primary issue in marriage is to get our own hearts right and to understand the purpose of marriage. With a sound doctrine of marriage, Moore explains the underlying principles which provide a solid foundation for dealing with secondary issues.

    Let me share some great statements from several chapters.

    From “Man and Woman at the Cross”:

    “Men are warned [in Scripture] … against passivity and refusal to take responsibility…. Women are warned … against signifying a lack of need for the male….” (page 86)

    “Headship does not refer to power but to responsibility.” (88)

    “Headship will not seem often to the outside world to be ‘being the head of one’s house’ at all. Headship will look, in many cases, like weakness. So does the cross.” (89)

    “We are created for cooperation and for complementarity. We do this not through the will-to-power but through the way of the cross.” (94)

    storm-tossed family

    “Marriage matters then for everyone because marriage is not just about marriage. Marriage is about the cross.” (95)

    From “Marriage and the Mystery of Christ”:

    Moore tells engaged couples that “they can’t construct their own vows” because “apart from the rest of the community, they do not know what vows to make. … [T]he primary purpose of covenant vows is not in reference to one’s feelings in the moment but to one’s commitment in the face of the unpredictable and the unimaginable.” (104)

    A wedding “is not a party for the couple, celebrating their individualized love. … Those gathered are not an audience but witnesses…. In a Christian marriage, the gathered witnesses are a sign that the church is here to hold the couple accountable to their vows before God. The marriage is not just about the couple but about the gospel. This means the marriage is the business of the whole church.” (105)

    “Intimacy means that you love these realities [of your spouse’s strengths and vulnerabilities] … without either taking the other’s strengths for granted or resenting him or her for not having other strengths. Often, the ‘other woman’ or ‘other man’ in a marriage is not a real person with which a spouse is having an affair, but instead is an imagined, idealized husband or wife to which the spouse is constantly compared.” (117)

    “Whether married or not, you bear a calling to support and uphold the marriages within the family of God….” (123)

    We “will find joy and peace and wholeness in our marriages when we stop expecting marriage to meet all our needs, and start seeing marriage as a war to find contentment in the gospel.” (123)

    From “Reclaiming Sexuality”:

    “Affairs are usually not about a lack of happiness [in marriage] or a lack of sex. … The devil knows the way to take one down is not through a deficient spouse but through a deficient self” [that is, not finding one’s identity in Christ]. (143, 145)

    “Ingeniously, the satanic powers have found a means to direct human erotic energy in a direction that ultimately saps one of erotic energy, and in due time, of the very possibility of human intimacy. The powers of the age will collaborate with the biological impulses to make this seem irresistible….” (150)

    “In both artificial Eros and in artificial romance, there is the love of self, not the mystery of the other.” (151)

    From “The Road To and From Divorce”:

    “How can Christians … speak to issues of social justice and the common good without addressing what is no doubt the leading cause of ‘orphans and widows’ (James 1:27) in our midst? How can we speak … about ‘family values’ while speaking in muted tones on the issue of divorce and at full-volume on other matters?” (162)

    “John the Baptist telling Herod he could not have another man’s wife is a quite rare profile in courage in almost any era.” (163)

    “The shift in evangelical attitudes toward marital permanence does not seem to have come through any kind of theological reflection or conversation at all. Instead, our approach to divorce seems to have meandered just a bit behind the mainstream of American cultural patterns. … We have grown accustomed to a divorce culture….” (164)

    Moore believes that marriage “is to be part of the discipline of the church” (174). He claims that every “marriage that the church solemnizes should be a marriage the church takes as its responsibility” (175).  These statements may surprise some readers and will probably raise some eyebrows. I was surprised … and pleased, and this passage raised a cheer from me! It deserved another “thank you, Russell Moore!” text.

    Cherish the Blessings

    Moore also addresses the topics of children, parenting, family traumas, and aging. In each chapter, he shares clarifying perspective and profound biblical truth.

    The book concludes with strong encouragement:

    Your family, whatever it is, will bless you, maybe in ways you don’t even notice in the blur of busyness at the moment. Stop and notice these blessings. Listen to what God is telling you through them. … Do not be afraid. … Whatever storms you may face now, you can survive. If you listen carefully enough, even in the scariest, most howling moments, you can hear a Galilean voice saying, “Peace. Be still.” (297)

    Thank you, Russell Moore, for writing The Storm-Tossed Family. May a multitude of homes be reshaped by the Cross.

  • The Gospel of Marriage and the Glory of Gender

    How significant are individual marriages to the Body of Christ?  How important is a Biblical understanding of gender?

    Many Christians believe that marriage and sexuality are private issues which often distract us from the more important matter of sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ.

    But could it be that when we bypass doctrines of sexuality, we throw out critical evangelistic tools? And could it be that when we embrace God’s gifts of gender and marriage, we create compelling revelations of God?

    Revealing God

    In the beginning, God sculpted the cosmos as a stunning revelation of Himself. And then, God designed men, women, and marriage to tell us even more about Himself.

    God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:27, NLT)

    marriage and gender

    We know that God is neither male nor female. Yet there is something unique about our being male or female that is unlike that of the animals, for only people are created in the image of God. Imago dei is stamped into God’s design of men, shaping them to reveal the divine attributes of masculinity in glorious ways. And imago dei is stamped into God’s design of women, shaping them to reveal the divine attributes of femininity in glorious ways.

    While being male or female is a component of physical biology, masculinity and femininity are components of personal relationship. They are profound reflections of the triune God, whose very nature is rich, full relationship.

    Our gender is a divine commission to reveal the greatness, the beauty, and the strength of God in compelling ways. The DNA of our assignment is written into every cell of our body; it is printed across the fibers of our being several trillion times.

    “… maleness and femaleness are objectively rooted in biology, and should be valued and affirmed, not rejected or altered.”1

    Although we often struggle to flesh out the glory of God in our daily lives, we can embrace this sacred calling to live fully and faithfully as imago dei. This high calling is one which extends to every part of our lives, including our sexuality. Ravi Zacharias points out that when we deny the sacredness of our sexuality, we deny the sacredness of human life itself.2  Although our bodies are physical and temporal, they have spiritual and eternal purpose.  Our material bodies are knit with our nonmaterial spirits so that together they share in the dignity and worth of human life.³

    Telling the Truth About God

    It is the goal of evangelism to tell the truth about God. The psalmist marveled at the power of the natural universe to tell the truth about God:

    The heavens declare the glory of God;
    the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
    Day after day they pour forth speech;
    night after night they reveal knowledge.
    They have no speech, they use no words;
    no sound is heard from them.

    gospel of marriage and gender

    Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
    their words to the ends of the world.
    (Psalm 91:1-4, NIV)

    Are the voices of God-created gender and God-designed marriage any less persuasive or wide-reaching? First, creation tells the truth about God’s existence and power, and then marriage tells the truth about God’s loving nature and faithful character. When we “preach” this good news through our relationships, we are laying the groundwork for sharing the saving gospel of Jesus Christ.

    The Gospel of Masculinity

    God initiates the relationship with His beloved, the people of God. At immense cost to Himself, He pursues her; and having won her heart, He commits Himself to her. With self-sacrificing love, He cares for her. He ministers to her needs with gentleness and humility. He desires her, cherishes her, and delights in her.

    the gospel of marriage and gender

    A man reflects his Creator well when he demonstrates this same faithfulness and nurturing with his own bride. But when men fail to reveal these truths about God, then masculinity fumbles its “good news.”

    Because masculinity reflects God, a demeaning of masculinity becomes a suppression of the truth about God. If masculinity does not represent success or trustworthiness to us, then it is difficult for us to see God as Someone we want to imitate or to follow. If masculinity is not great, then God, who encompasses masculinity, is not great, nor can He show us how to be great. When we denounce masculinity, we are left with a God who does not pursue our hearts, does not protect us or provide for us, and does not cherish us.

    It is a man’s greatness and significance to tell the gospel through his masculinity. He tells the truth about who God is as he takes action, repels passivity, and carries responsibility for the well-being of another.

    This is effective evangelism because we long to know the God of a man who is masculine in these ways. God-reflecting masculinity gives us hope that there is a God who will shelter us with His own life, care for us, and love us well.

    We must teach our sons the glory of being men who specialize in revealing God through masculinity. When men do not know the glory of being masculine, they may become violent abusers or passive consumers instead of responsible, self-giving lovers.

    The Gospel of Femininity

    Femininity is the relational expression of warm welcome and genuine acceptance. A feminine woman shares her strength to build her husband up. As a life-giver, she energizes others. Her honoring, serene spirit is a fragrant invitation to know her God.

    gospel of marriage and gender

    Femininity gives us hope that there is a God who will receive us with open arms, who will accept us, and who will support and strengthen us.

    We must teach our daughters the glory of being women who specialize in revealing God through femininity. When women do not know the glory of being feminine, they may demean themselves; they stoop to merely flaunting their femaleness. Instead of contributing strength to their relationships, they may compete for control.

    The Gospel of Marriage

    Through the amazing creation of marriage, God reveals the essence of His nature, which is love. Far more than a feeling, love is the decision to give to another. Love cannot exist within a relational vacuum. Marriage reflects the vibrant fellowship within the Trinity, a union which has eternally accommodated love.

    Marriage reflects not only the relational nature of God, but also the diversity and the unity within the Godhead. Only the marriage of one man and one woman can do this. The rich distinctions between the man and the woman are not obliterated in their union; instead, they are celebrated as delights of communion.

    Marriage also illustrates the very holiness of God, for marriage is an exclusive relationship. Holiness requires perfect belonging—complete and undefiled. A marriage is holy when 1) the man and woman belong fully to one another as husband and wife, and when 2) nothing is present to defile that woven-together relationship. This reflects the holiness of God, in whom all that belongs is present, and all that does not belong is absent.

    the gospel of marriage and gender

    Marriage tells the gospel like this:

    • To know God, we must renounce spiritual singleness. In order to accept God’s proposal of spiritual union, we must forsake all other spiritual lovers (such as possessions, pleasure, prominence, or power).
    • To be in relationship with God, we agree to belong fully to Him as His people, and He promises to belong fully to us as our God.

    Christian marriages are designed to be pictures of the gospel. When we keep our vows to love, honor, and cherish, we are telling the truth about who God is.

    Marriage reveals that God is a trustworthy, promise-keeping Lover. Our marriages are not merely private affairs, incidental to the great work of evangelism. Instead, our marriages create a platform upon which evangelism advances … or falters.

    Strengthening Evangelism

    In the disorienting chaos of our culture, we have forgotten our glory as men and women. Many have exchanged the great honor of revealing the Almighty for a self-destroying drive to replace Him.

    When we tell the truth about God through our masculinity or femininity and through our marriages, then the world will see this good news:

    God loves us.
    He sacrifices Himself in order to benefit us.
    He welcomes us.
    He accepts us.
    He protects and provides for us.
    He cherishes us.
    He keeps His promises.

    That is a glorious gospel to preach!

    ———————————————-

    1 Ryan T. Anderson. http://dailysignal.com/2015/10/30/houston-ballot-measure-on-sexual-orientation-gender-identity-threatens-privacy-religious-freedom-and-businesses

    2 “When you de-sacralize sexuality and the body, you will de-sacralize life itself.”  http://rzim.org/just-thinking-broadcasts/india-vision-qa-part-2-of-4-3

    ³Nancy Pearcy explains this integration of body and spirit in her latest book, Love Thy Body.

  • What is Your Marriage Legacy?

    Forty-seven years of marriage can provide a wealth of knowledge and insight, especially when that marriage has been built on biblical principles. Drawing from that rich experience, Crawford and Karen Loritts have written a new book entitled, Your Marriage Today … And Tomorrow. The book emphasizes creating marriages that are so strong today that they give endurance to marriages tomorrow, in the next generation and beyond.

    legacy

    Seeing the Big Picture

    Your Marriage Today focuses on the underlying principles of a successful marriage. Crawford acknowledges that he is the “big picture” person in his marriage while his wife is better at the details. Although the book is co-authored by both Crawford and Karen, it is written in Crawford’s conversational voice, and the material reflects his “big picture” perspective.legacy

    The instruction and insights which the Loritts share are excellent. Their advice is solidly biblical, full of wisdom, and honoring to both husbands and wives. I think readers will be encouraged to see how God has beautifully “knit together” a man and woman from very different backgrounds.

    Creating Your Legacy

    Crawford and Karen are aware that each marriage leaves a legacy, one that can be painfully destructive or wonderfully life-giving.  The Loritts challenge us to think beyond our present moment of busyness. They caution us to be mindful of the long-term consequences of our marital behavior. Through the choices we make in our marriages, we create a profound impact in the lives of those around us and those who follow us.

    How we need this counsel!

    In our culture, marriages are trashed and replaced as if they were temporary jobs, subject to our personal whims, instead of high callings that God has placed on our lives. Marriage is God-ordained, designed to be God-reflecting and gospel-illustrating. Before we start working out the details of our marriages, we all need to consider the important legacy we are creating.

    Whether our marriages last or not, our legacies will.

    When Your Spouse Isn’t Working with You

    In this book, the Loritts address the husband and wife who are working together to strengthen their relationship and legacy. But what if your spouse is not working with you? What if your spouse is not helping to create a legacy of blessing?

    Don’t be discouraged! You can still give your children (and a watching world) a fantastic legacy.

    Even when your marriage isn’t healthy, you can be healthy as a spouse, leaning on God to meet your every need. You can give your children the legacy of a promise-keeping parent. When you honor your vows, you give others hope and even confidence that there is a promise-keeping, trustworthy God.

    You give your family a wonderful legacy when you model trusting God despite difficult circumstances. What is more valuable than that?  You can be living proof that God Himself is the Giver of life and joy.

    You can teach your children how to handle disappointments by handing those hurts to God and allowing Him to turn ashes into beauty. What a rich legacy that is! Perhaps most importantly, you can demonstrate how to forgive. That priceless gift will bless your children and their children for the rest of their lives.

    Feeding Your Marriage

    The Loritts paint a broad picture of the forest, but they do not ignore the trees. They do include some practical advice for the day-by-day work of strengthening marriages. For example, they encourage us to “feed” our marriages by “making consistent, heart-nourishing deposits” in the lives of our spouses (58).  They list six specific ways to do that:

    1. Regularly read the Bible as a couple.
    2. Pray together every day.
    3. Lighten each other’s load.
    4. Identify what refreshes your spouse.
    5. Serve together.
    6. Spend regular, uninterrupted time together. … Carve out some time each evening to touch base with each other. Schedule two or three weekends a year to get away as a couple to talk and connect on a deeper level. (59)

    That is an excellent list! How many of these habits do you have?

    I encourage you to choose one and start practicing it this evening. It will bless you “today … and tomorrow.”

    Book Giveaway

    Moody Publishers is providing a complimentary copy of Your Marriage Today … And Tomorrow. If you would like to enter the drawing to receive this book, simply leave a comment below by July 23, 2018. I will notify the winner on July 24, and you will receive a paperback copy in the mail.

    Blessings to you!
    Tami

  • Rebuilding Your Marriage When Recovering from Addiction

    Today's guest blog was written by Adam Cook, who started AddictionHub.org after losing a friend to substance abuse and suicide. He is passionate about helping people find the necessary resources to save their lives from addiction.

    Addiction is a disease that affects millions of people around the world. When someone’s drug or alcohol abuse spins out of control and becomes habitual — even compulsive — that addiction consumes their life. It often costs a person a great deal financially, socially, and physically. Personal relationships, especially between spouses, are often shredded. If you made it through addiction recovery with your marriage intact, your work is not done.

    Post-recovery requires time to heal the wounds and rebuild trust. Your typical aftercare treatment provides tools to help with communication between spouses, including family counseling, 12-step programs (Alcoholics/Narcotics Anonymous), and maintenance medication. However, these are just tools you can use to your benefit.

    In the end, the real work is up to you.

    Step One: Talk to Your Spouse

    The beginning of recovery is about addressing your needs and figuring out how you can meet them without turning to drugs or alcohol. If you want to rebuild your relationship, you have to communicate with your partner about what they need. Plan an evening or even a whole day where you can spend time together and talk about what they expect from you going forward.

    Together, you can make compatible goals and establish timelines regarding milestones. Remember to be flexible and patient. Figuring out how to strengthen your relationship takes time and more than a few adjustments. Establishing open communication from the get-go helps create a procedure of operations you can use going forward.

    Step Two: Establish a Routine

    One of the hardest things for a spouse of an addict is wondering where their loved one is, if they are safe, and if they are even going to come home at all. Establishing a routine provides a sense of security for your partner so they can learn to let go of their anxieties.

    Not only does a routine help when it comes to your relationship, it also helps overall recovery. Daily structure keeps your mind and hands busy, which can help alleviate the boredom and inactivity that leads to recreational substance use. Stability also makes transitioning back into the working world easier. Try adding exercise to your daily routine to help kick cravings, balance neurochemicals, and build self-esteem in your recovery process.

    Step Three: Engage in Sober Activities Together

    addiction

    When it comes to recovery, your spouse doesn’t just want you to talk the talk — they want you to walk the walk. You have to show your spouse that you are willing and ready to make amends by living a sober life and including them in it. Make sure to give them plenty of advance notice, and work with their schedule to show them that you value their time.

    addiction

    Chances are, you have gone through difficult times as a couple. This is your opportunity to give each other a brief respite from arguing and crying. Pick activities that are fun or relaxing, rather than intense and possibly triggering. Furthermore, don’t just fall back on the old dinner-and-a-movie trope. Put some effort into your date, and show your spouse that life isn’t going to be more of the same.

    • Go to a local food festival and try a new cuisine.
    • Get tickets to a carnival or amusement park.
    • Attend a social event held through your house of worship.
    • Try a fun new workout class together.
    • Have a picnic in the park.
    • Attend a cooking class for couples.
    • Get out of the city and go for a hike in the great outdoors.
    • Attend a sporting event to root for the home team.

    Addiction has the power to ruin relationships. If you get out of recovery with your marriage intact, it is important to put in the work to repair any damage. Talk with your partner about their expectations, ease their mind with a steady schedule, and show them you’ve changed with healthy and sober activities you can do together.

    Thank you, Adam!

  • Does Your Spouse Delight You?

    Does your spouse delight you? If not, what can you do about it?

    We tend to think that our delight is our spouses’ responsibility. We sit around and wait for them to delight us. Perhaps we feel sorry for ourselves as we criticize them for not delighting us. But we have a far better option:

    We can CHOOSE to delight in our spouses. 

    If we will determine to enjoy our spouses, we will be giving the best gift ever!

    delight

    Delight is an essential part of a healthy marriage, but we often fail to express it. When the gift of delight is missing, husbands and wives can sometimes feel like Mark or Karen:

    Mark knows that his wife is committed to him, but he doesn’t feel that she really enjoys being with him. Most of the time, he suspects that she is merely tolerating him. He is thankful for his marriage, but he often feels lonely. He is troubled by the thought that he is inadequate to make his wife happy.

    Karen appreciates her husband’s commitment, but she fears that she can’t keep his interest. She often feels unknown and unvalued. At one time, she had hoped that her husband would see her as fascinating, but now she worries that he doesn’t see her at all.

    What would happen if Mark’s wife began to show him that she enjoys his company? And if Karen could see that her husband delighted in her, wouldn’t that change everything? …

    [Click HERE to read more of this article at StartMarriageRight.]

     

  • 3 Tips to Transform Any Marriage (A Webinar and a Winner)

    Most successful couples practice this one skill. In fact, this skill is so important to a healthy relationship that the direction of a marriage can be predicted based on this skill alone. Do you know what that is?

    Another practice is so powerful in marriage that couples who make this a habit have a divorce rate of less than one percent. Wow! Do you know what that habit is?

    Webinar

    Anyone can develop these skills and begin to use them immediately. In a webinar last week, Dr. Jessica McCleese and I discussed three tips that will transform any marriage. We used the acronym MAP to discuss those three practices.

    You can watch the webinar replay HERE.

    jessica Jessica is a licensed psychologist who uses biblical principles to help couples improve their marriages. I very much enjoyed working with Jessica on the webinar, which she hosted through her website. You can view the webinar on YouTube HERE.

    Winner

    Thank you to all who entered the drawing for the book giveaway this week. Congratulations, Ken!  Ken will be receiving a copy of Gary Chapman’s latest release.

    chapman

    As always, you are invited to join our weekly prayer time on Thursdays, or listen to the recordings HERE. If you would like us to pray for you by name, just let me know. We consider it a privilege to pray for marriages and families.

    Blessings to you,
    Tami

  • Hope for Difficult Marriages from Gary Chapman

    What can you do if your spouse is abusive … or depressed … or addicted? How do you live with someone who won’t communicate?

    In his latest book, Dr. Gary Chapman tackles all of these difficult situations, and more. As he addresses each challenge, he offers strong encouragement and practical instruction.

    This new release comes with a long title, Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away, as well as a long subtitle: Real Help for Desperate Hearts in Difficult Marriages. That’s okay, though, because the book is also long on encouragement. Its delivery is as good as its promise.

    chapman

    The core of this encouragement is the confidence “that there is hope for the hardest of marriages.” For spouses in struggling marriages, hope must be the starting place, as well as the refrain: “in every troubled marriage, one or both partners can take positive steps that have the potential for changing the emotional climate in a marriage” (17).

    Reasons for Hope

    Hope in a desperate marriage comes from four bedrock truths. When people accept these truths as reality, they become people of hope, and their marriages gain a platform for change, even transformation. Here are the four truths:

    1. You are not a victim of your circumstances. “Your environment may influence you, but it need not dictate or destroy your marriage and your life” (19).
    2. “People can and do change” (20).
    3. Misery or divorce are not the only options in difficult marriages (20).
    4. No marriage is completely “beyond hope” (21).

    Dr. Chapman’s goal in Loving Your Spouse is to encourage husbands and wives to embrace “the positive actions that one individual can take to stimulate constructive change in a relationship” (24). Years ago, a friend shared this illustration with me:

    Suppose that a husband and wife are back-to-back in conflict. We know that if both of them will turn around, then they can be face-to-face again. But what if only one is willing to move? Well, what if that one will walk around the other so that the two are again face-to-face?
    One person can make the difference!

    Dr. Chapman does not use that illustration, but he argues for that principle: “One person must always take the initiative. Perhaps that person will be you.” (38)

    Realities to Live By

    Dr. Chapman is careful to point out that we cannot change or control our spouses. However, we can choose our own attitudes, and each of us can influence others.  Loving Your Spouse outlines six realities which form the basis of a plan-of-action for every marriage. The final principle of “reality living” is this:

    Love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world. Meeting your spouse’s emotional need for love has the greatest potential for stimulating positive change in his or her behavior. Since love is our deepest emotional need, the person who meets that need will have the greatest influence on our lives. (231)

    In the first part of Loving Your Spouse, Dr. Chapman discusses the reasons for hope, the basis for change, and the motivations that underlie misbehavior. He then identifies ten difficult situations and addresses each one specifically in a separate chapter:

    1. the irresponsible spouse
    2. the workaholic spouse
    3. the depressed spouse
    4. the controlling spouse
    5. the verbally abusive spouse
    6. the physically abusive spouse
    7. the sexually abused or sexually abusive spouse
    8. the uncommunicative spouse
    9. the unfaithful spouse
    10. the alcoholic or drug-abusing spouse

    chapmanIn each of these focused chapters, Dr. Chapman shares real-life situations, gives specific counsel, and lists resources for further help. Loving Your Spouse is full of both encouragement and practical advice. Not only will this book be helpful to you as you apply the principles of “reality living” to your own situation, but it will also be helpful as you encourage others who are struggling with some of these specific marital challenges.

    For You

    A giveaway:  Moody Publishers is providing a complimentary copy of Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away. If you would like to enter the drawing to win this book, simply leave a comment below no later than April 17. I will notify the winner on April 18, and you will receive a paperback copy in the mail.

    A webinar: You are invited to attend a webinar this Thursday evening, April 12, as Dr. Jessica McCleese and I discuss three terrific tools for building marriage. (You can view the replay HERE.)

    A prayer:  You have a standing invitation to join us each week as we pray for marriages and families. You can join us by phone or online every Thursday at 12:30 (Eastern), or you can always listen to the archives online. Let me know if you would like us to pray for you by name.

    Blessings to you!
    Tami

     

     

     

     

  • What Singles Need to Know about Marriage (Part 2)

    Whether you are single or married, there are six important things to know about marriage.

    We looked at the first three things last week, and today we will look at the remaining three:

    #4. Marriage will not complete you.

    Single people are not “halves” waiting for their other “halves” to join them. Two single people are two complete people. But after a man and a woman marry, God unites these two individuals as one married couple. Two people become one flesh and one team.

    Christ is the only One who is able to fully satisfy us. Whether we are married or single, Christ is the Lover of our souls who knows us completely, loves us unconditionally, and cares for us perfectly.

    #5. Marriage is not the cure for loneliness.

    Singles struggle with loneliness, but so do married people. In fact, some people say that the loneliness they experienced within marriage was more intense than the loneliness they felt when single. [Click HERE to continue reading this article at Kristen Hogrefe’s website. ]

    ———————————————————-

    Kristen is an excellent writer, specializing in young adult fiction; and I am privileged to guest-blog for her again today. She is also a great friend, and I enjoyed seeing her last week at the Florida Christian Writers Conference.

  • 6 Things that Singles Need to Know about Marriage (Part 1)

    Why should singles care about the topic of marriage?

    singles

    If marriage is not on your radar or even on your wish list, you may think that the subject is not relevant for you right now. But regardless of your marital status, you will benefit from understanding the divine design for marriage.

    Here are six important things to know about marriage.

    #1. Marriage is a profound revealer of spiritual truths.

    When we look at the universe, we know that there is a God. And when we look at marriage, we learn who this God is. The created world reveals the existence of God, but marriage reveals the nature and character of God. We learn that He is a God of relationship and that He is loyal and loving.

    In the Scriptures, God makes a stunning claim:

    For your Creator will be your husband. (Isaiah 54:5, NLT)

    God will be our husband? What does that mean? [Continue reading this article HERE at KristenHogrefe.com. I appreciate Kristen’s heart for young adults and her strong commitment to biblical truth. Through her writing and speaking, “she challenges young adults and the young at heart to think truthfully and live daringly.” I recommend both her blog and her young-adult novels.]

     

  • 7 Prayers for Your Marriage

    One of the best things you can do for your marriage is to pray.

    And one of the best ways to pray is to use the Scriptures as a guide.

    That is because the secret to prayer—just like the secret to marriage—is unity. When two wills line up together, there is great power!

    As we study the Bible, we learn the longings of God’s heart. As we allow God’s desires to become ours, we move into harmony with Him. Through this union, the Spirit of God works in awesome ways, restoring what has been damaged and creating new beauty.

    Below are seven Scriptural prayers for your marriage, one for each day of the week. Perhaps you and your spouse would like to pray these verses together as you ask God to protect and strengthen your marriage. If your spouse isn’t interested in praying with you, don’t be discouraged—just keep praying!

    Click HERE to read the 7 prayers at StartMarriageRight.com.

  • Praying Psalm 1 for Your Husband

    LORD, I thank You for my husband. Thank You for creating him in Your image, designing him for greatness and strength.

    husband

    I pray that my husband will be like a great tree planted by streams of water, its branches reaching up to the sky. May my husband be a mighty man of God, strong in character. In his spirit, may his arms be lifted in praise to You all day long. May he raise his requests and burdens to You.

    husband

    I pray that my husband will be like a tree whose leaf does not wither. Keep him from compromising when things are difficult or when temptation is fierce. Protect him from the “withering” of discouragement or fear. Keep him leaning on You, drawing his strength from you.

    [Click HERE to read more of this prayer at StartMarriageRight.]